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What to do...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by old tacoma, Nov 2, 2020.

  1. Bastion

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    @old tacoma

    I can’t help but notice some similarities between your friend and the guy I knew. His situation with his supposed “boyfriend”. And the answers he gives you. His hookups, or other things you mentioned like tricks, diversions and such things. How well do you know this friend? maybe his intentions are not what you think they are?I don’t want to sound judgmental or anything but maybe you should take some time or a break to think about stuff before rushing into things and introducing this guy to your wife just like that.
    Maybe like @Nickw said you need to take some steps beforehand. Unless maybe you have it all figured out and this is part of the plan to get out of your marriage and move somewhere to live with this new friend as your new partner? Or open up your marriage? Think about the consequences and act according to what you really want actually to happen. That’s all am saying.
     
  2. old tacoma

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    @Nickw
    I must be doing a lousy job of communicating my thoughts. Thank you for your help.
    I am by nature a reflecting type. I have been told several times that I overthink. This trait served me well in my career because I could be counted on to provide a very thorough analysis of projects that I was involved with. I gained a reputation for being the go-to guy if you wanted to be sure you hadn’t overlooked any details. Just saying this because I do this in my personal life as well.
    This meeting between my wife and my friend has actually been my wife’s idea. I was initially reluctant because I thought of how the scenario might play out. It stayed that way for months. I would mention that I had met my friend and we walked together. “It’s good you have a friend,” she told me once.
    At one point I had to travel off the island, and visit the town where my friend had grown up. He asked me, if I had the opportunity, if I could pick up some of his favorite cookies only available locally. I said sure. So I got the cookies for him, and I bought some extra for my wife to try. I also bought some cookies (same bakery - different flavor) that I know my wife likes. No big deal, right?
    When I get home, the response? She hadn’t asked me to get her the cookies, so why did I get them? I explained that my friend had sent me a text while I was there, asking about the other cookies he likes, so I picked what he wanted (“and some extra for you to try”). “Since I was there, I also got the cookies you like.”
    I was floored by her answer, “Is there something going on between you and ____?” No thank you, just that. Fact is, because of my friend and his boyfriend, there’s nothing going on between us except our walking together, and me helping him fix stuff around his house. And that’s exactly what I told my wife. Should I have said, by the way, we were having an affair last year but that’s over now? I was bummed for weeks, thinking here I am feeling the way I do about him, but he’s got his boyfriend, and meanwhile my wife is thinking that I’m fooling around with him. And this because of some stupid cookies.
    I eventually convinced myself to just stay the course. I continue to see my friend, he continues with his boyfriend, he also continues with his gay lifestyle as well, and I continue with my wife. And I reluctantly look for some other guy. Why? I ask myself that every night before I fall asleep. Like the title to this thread, ‘What to do....’
     
  3. Nickw

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    My take is that your wife does think something might be going on and wants to check it out. Just because you haven’t, actually, had intimacy with the guy for awhile does not mean it’s over. It, doesn’t seem like it from what you have written.

    Is it over? If you walked with your friend tomorrow and he suggested you go back to his place and.... what would you do?
     
    #63 Nickw, Nov 23, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2020
  4. old tacoma

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    I have considered that, what would I do. I still go to his house regularly, I was there just yesterday before dinner, after our walk. We sat at his table and talked about our experiences with meditation. Fact is, there are so many other levels that I can connect with him.
    But I understand what you’re asking. Would I come on to him? No. I’m a pro at keeping my desires in check. It’s second nature to me.
    What would I do if he came on to me? I would stop him. I would ask him about his boyfriend. I would ask him why... why today, why now? His response would determine what happens next. If I once again, after what I have gone through, if I felt the implicit, unabashed trust I used to have for him, if I felt that I was not yet another of his ‘off again on again’ guys, then yes, I would step into “the shallow end of the pool,” so to speak. Where the water isn’t deep and I can remain firmly standing on my own two feet. If that engagement were to go well, I would begin to reprocess all my conflicting emotions. I honestly think it would take me months of sustained intimacy to reach where I was before with him, I took being put aside that hard.
     
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  5. old tacoma

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    I woke up early and then couldn’t sleep. You have given me perspectives on my situation that I had not considered. And now I am potentially looking at my entire life falling apart.
     
  6. ALocalGay

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    Hi JessNC! I'm sorry that you're going through this! I'm just a teen who knows NOTHING about marriage but I have some advice for you!
    It sounds kind of plain but I honestly think it'd be best if you tell her outright. I know you can't exactly say, "HeY. I wAnT tO TrY sAmE sEx AcTiviTiEs. Is ThAt OkAy?" BUT it might be better for your relationship and mental health to tell her.

    Maybe something along the lines of: "Listen. I love you but I need some time to explore my sex life. I know you need monogamy but I really think that we can come to a compromise." If you don't feel comfortable saying it out loud, try writing it down. That might help! As for the compromise, maybe suggest *deep breath* threesome It might be a way to change up your sex life. And she might enjoy it. If that isn't something you'd be interested in, maybe ask her if she's ever had same sex desires. If she has, maybe you could explain to her that you have those same desires and want to try it. She may be okay with it.

    My last bit of advice is kind of a last resort. Try taking a tiny break from your relationship. Not a divorce! My parents did a mock separation to see if it was something that they'd consider doing. Maybe you could try that?
    Anyways, that was my lame attempt at helping you. Good luck and lots of love!
    -Bella <3
     
  7. Bastion

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    @old tacoma
    I do understand your dilemma and it is a big one. You are not alone. And I saw in your last long post that your are thinking about the things that happened and where things stand now and am sure you wondering how to move forward or what’s going to happen next. But can you picture in your mind the ideal scenario for you that you want to happen? So this guy is in a relationship and you are in a relationship. Maybe it’s time to move on. But before that you have to know what kind of life you really want? If you are not happy with your situation. You have to find away to change it somehow. If I may speak frankly and realistically not many people will be ok with polyamory. So if you this is not going to happen and your wife will not accept this. Maybe you can weigh things and work on other options. Like for example considering being single again and dating. If that’s what you really want.
     
  8. old tacoma

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    @Bastion — As my friend and I were walking on Sunday, one of the topics we discussed was the current surge in covid cases. I mentioned a newspaper article I read back in March about seniors who were not concerned about dying as they felt that they had lived their lives. My friend and I are both in our 60s, just about a year apart. He said he was doing everything he could to stay safe because he is not ready to die, he enjoys his life. I told him that I am ready to die, that it would be ok with me. This is partly due to the fact that I almost died when I was 8 years old, so I have always thought of my life as a ‘bonus’ but my view is also partly due to my not wanting to live the way I am anymore, so disconnected from myself.
    Please note for the record, I’m not suicidal.
     
  9. Bastion

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    No I don’t think you are. You seem to have genuine feelings. And you want a to live a different life than the one you are leading. You talk about disconnection and that seems to weigh heavily on you and cause this conflict. And also the fact that you are into fitness and taking care of your health and physique means you do care about yourself to keep in good shape and want to live but you are unsatisfied with your situation. That is understandable. So what is keeping or blocking you from leading the life you want now if I may ask?
     
  10. old tacoma

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    I am loathe to play the villain. I’m particularly sensitive about it. When I was 5 (almost 6) I was in a traditional children’s Christmas play. Are you familiar with the Christmas story? Well, the play was a big deal. The whole school got to watch the dress rehearsal, and the main event was held in the church on Christmas Eve. All the cute little first graders in this play. With me as the only evil one in the show. I was given the part of King Herod. When I first learned what my lines were, I started to cry. I’m going to kill baby Jesus! I was depressed (obviously, I still remember now after more than 60 years). But I played my part, I did as expected. And a precedent was set. Here I am, still the villain and Christmas just around the corner...
    There are other reasons. This is one that just popped into my mind from your question.
     
  11. old tacoma

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    In a way though, there was a bit of a silver lining. My classmates over the years continued to see me as sort of a ‘bad boy’ so when puberty came, it was kind of a plus. ;-)
     
  12. Nickw

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    your sexuality is not evil. It does not make you a villain.
     
  13. old tacoma

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    @Nickw — I do realize that. My sexuality is an integral, innate part of me. But as you have pointed out to me, the decisions I make concerning my sexuality do not exist in a vacuum, my wife being the primary person impacted. Also my friend. And a few others.