I’ve always checked my 13 year old son’s phone (it was part of our agreement for him to have a phone) and last night I saw he’s been watching some pretty hardcore gay porn. He told me that he was gay and gets horny sometimes and watches porn. He’s mortified and doesn’t want to talk about it. I told him that I love him, support him and he’s not in trouble. I’m fine with him needing space and promised not to tell anyone until he’s ready. How to proceed? I’d like to talk to him about what he’s watching because it’s kind of violent. Also, I saw that he joined a horny local singles site. I’m in no way OK with him interacting with strange adults. I’m sort of freaking out. I feel like I’ve already mangled our relationship. He’s my favorite person on the entire world. Help!
I think in terms of the porn he's watching, it might be best to leave him be. If the violence of the porn doesn't bother or frighten him, it doesn't mean he's likely to do anything like that; it might just be a kink situation. I would tell him to be careful what he looks up though, because he could come across some pretty distressing stuff if he's not careful. As to the locals site? I'd shut that down. He's too young to be on a dating site like that, and even if it upsets him, you're the parent; it's not your job to be his friend in all things, but to protect him from danger--including those he might unwittingly seek out.
Hello there, Ouch, that sounds like a pretty awkward situation for you both to be in! I'm sure there are other users around here with a little more experience than me when it comes to parenting! However, I would say that there is a difference between supporting his sexuality and addressing your concerns regarding violent porn, and signing up for internet dating. First of all, I understand how he must be feeling. It can be incredibly upsetting to feel like you've been forced to come out as LGBT before you're ready, and everything coming to light in a way that's embarrassing must be pretty distressing. I'm not sure what the arrangement was between you and him regarding his phone, but he might also feel like his privacy has been violated - something to bear that in mind. I think you've done the right thing by telling him that he is loved and accepted. It may take time for him to open up, he is still very young and might not have all the answers himself. Just let him know that you're here to talk if he feels like it - and that you will be ready and willing to understand. As far as approaching the matter regarding porn, I think (when things have settled down a little) maybe have an honest conversation about how pornography does not reflect the reality of sex and how that sometimes the scenes presented in these movies can show behaviors that can be actually quite dangerous in real life: choking, unprotected sex etc. It's important to know that pornography is designed to be stimulating (sometimes shocking) but not realistic - and that it is no basis for genuine sexual education. When it comes to signing up for online dating, I'd point out to him that by doing so he's breaking the rules of the website that he's on and that it could ultimately land him and people that he talks to into trouble with the police if he's not careful. There isn't a safe way for teenagers to meet other teenagers online, and I'd point out that he won't be able to find someone his own age on those websites. I'm sure he wants to talk and form connections with other LGBT people, but maybe point him towards more appropriate ways of doing so, like signing up to a website like this! Or joining a youth LGBT group if one exists locally. I'm sure with both the porn and the online dating, he's probably just exploring his thoughts about dating and sex (which honestly, is par for the course with teenagers). I can understand your concern, and I think you might have to have a few awkward conversations to set him on the right track - however, at the same time I don't think there's any need to 'freak out' and assume the worst right now.
the access to porn .. he’s not the first. ... and I know I would have been “all over it” at his age if I had the chance. The dating site ... that’s a different matter if he is communicating with the wrong sort of people. I think a 1:1 with him on these points would be a good idea. Even though he will cringe with embarrassment. Firstly you can reassure him you have his back and you are OK with his orientation and he doesn’t feel a freak or a disappointment to you. There must be all sorts of distressing thoughts racing through his mind at the moment and you could change all that with your rock solid support. ... and five stars to you for being a fantastic parent !!!
My wife discovered one of our kids looking at online porn about the same age. The way you reacted is reassuring. What’s been said above is great. No one has mentioned PFLAG yet. If that is helpful to you (you don’t mention a spouse) look it up. Many are meeting on Zoom due to the COVID shutdowns of usual meeting spaces - that might even be an advantage if you are not close to where they meet. Back when I was young my parents bought me a book, so that I would have real info about puberty, I knew way more from the book than my classmates. Knowing my parents were supportive was important - though I still didn’t want to talk with them. As a parent I also said to my kids that we’d want to meet their friends, and/or their friend’s parents. No sleepovers or trips without us talking with the parents. Also said to our kids they could call us any time to ask us to come get them. We loved them and wanted them safe and would not make that car ride a lecture. I saw in the movie “Love, Simon” he uses that “out” when he’s uncomfortable because the girl at the dance has come on to him - he tells his mom he thinks kids are drinking and to come get him. She said she was glad he said something and she would be right there. Does the school have a GSA club?
@DecentOne Yes, good call! PFlag is a wonderful organization for both those in the LGBTQ+ and the parents of said individuals. I attend Zoom meetings of my local branch too, in fact, and it's been really helpful. @Bearbear20 If you have a branch there, I'm sure they'd be of great benefit to you and your son.
