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I feel like there is something very wrong with me and I don’t know how to proceed.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sadboi, Nov 21, 2020.

  1. sadboi

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    Hi, I have posted here in the past but I’m still confused.

    Basically I’m at the point where as much as I want to pretend I’m still straight. I’m still basically clinging onto my feelings from years, but they’re hardly there. Nobody knows outside of my therapist and imminent family about this. I feel very alone very often but I am too scared to discuss outside of anyone but my therapist. Another issue is many of the guys I feel attracted to are like in the 16-20 age range, I don’t know why but this really all started for me in December of 2018. I’m 21 btw. This makes me really uncomfortable since some of the guys I feel attracted to are under 18 and I feel really disgusted with myself but I feel like I’m completely out of control. Especially considering I will be a full time working professional soon and I feel like having those feelings is completely inappropriate and unreasonable.

    I’ve also had lots of fantasies. Sometimes after masturbating I’ll start crying because I miss when I was just completely straight and didn’t have any of these thoughts. These sexual fantasies I have had have led me to considering suicide in the past - FYI I am not in any imminent danger. There are days when I quite literally want to never have anything sexual in my life ever again while also never having experienced intimacy because i think I’m afraid of it. I don’t know how to accept myself. I don’t know how to move forward. This has paralyzed many aspects of my life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ll take any help I can get.

    Thanks for reading. Sorry if this comes across as a rant, I just want someone to talk to.
     
  2. sadboi

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    Sorry, I have OCD. I am still struggling and will get the professional help I require. Thank you to all the kinda people on this forum.
     
  3. quebec

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    sadboi......Hello, and in case no one else has said it...a great big welcome to Empty Closets! I can understand OCD as I also have it. I take meds for it and with the help of a therapist, it is much better than it used to be. Please have a discussion with your therapist about the OCD...there are things that can be done to help keep it under control. As for the rest...that is also something that your therapist can help you work through. If your therapist does not normally work with the LGBTQ+ Family, you might consider a different therapist. Please feel free to vent to us any time you need to...we want to help in any way that we can!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. Nickw

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    I agree with @quebec that you should try and discuss what you have written here in detail with your therapist. Especially, considering how you deal with the OCD.

    One thing I should mention regarding your desires for younger guys. Some of us (myself) remain attracted to men who are similar in age to when we discovered our same sex feelings and it is difficult to move on. This is something I think most of us outgrow as we begin to be around other gay men our own age. There may be other reasons why you are attracted to younger guys that may be symptoms of low self esteem. Something also to discuss with your therapist.

    For now, be careful about letting the OCD drive you to obsessing over this. I bet you work through this and will be just fine!
     
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  5. Chip

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    So if you are actually diagnosed with OCD, that can complicate matters, but in this case, it sounds like you pretty clearly have attraction to guys, and are aroused by them. That gives a pretty clear indication you're gay, rather than it being an OCD-based thing. (Unless there are details you aren't telling us.)

    As for the age of people you're attracted to, this isn't uncommon, as Nickw has mentioned. WHen we first allow ourselves to come to terms with our same-sex attractions, it's not uncommon to have a "second adolescence" where the repressed feelings of our earlier life come out. So the important thing here is just to recognize it for what it is, and to not act on any attractions you feel to people under 18.

    The shame and disgust you feel after ejaculation is also very common with people who are early in coming to terms with their sexual orientation. In part, there's a biological reason for that; your serotonin levels develop during sex or masturbation, peak during orgasm, and then drop abruptly. From an evolutionary perspective, if that didn't happen, we would never have stopped having sex and would have starved to death. So it serves to basically get our asses moving on to something else more productive.

    Over time, as you become more comfortable with your sexual self, the shame goes away.

    One of the best ways of dealing with the shame is talking about it, exactly as you are doing now. Give yourself time. I think almost everyone who's come to terms with being gay has had to be patient, and went through a period of self-hate, fear, and many were convinced they could never tell anyone. But that changes as you come to accept yourself. Continuing to talk about what you're feeling, here, and wth your therapist, is the best thing you can do for now.
     
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  6. sadboi

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    Thank you very much to all of you. To clarify, yes, I have been clinically diagnosed with OCD and am currently getting treatment for it.

    I've felt very undeniable attraction to both men and women, but I still think I need more time for me to figure myself out. Conversations like these make it much easier. The OCD aspect doesn't help, but I do not fall in the category of OCD sufferers with an extreme fear of being gay (or straight for that matter) but more just trying to figure out what I am. I've acknowledged before how my feelings are real, but I think I'm more shell shocked than anything, especially considering my extremely heterosexual past. I think I will definitely bring some more things up with my therapist, who is someone I have worked with even before my OCD really worsened in the past year and am very comfortable talking with. Gay, straight, or bi, I'm not looking for a label, I just want to be happy and comfortable with who I am. Thank you all.
     
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