Not sure if I'm just sick of gender roles or if there's something more

I don't even know how to begin this. Well, I'm 27, born biologically female and until recently I had no confusion about my gender. But things have started to change.

I guess I am just more and more hating everything that comes with being born a biological woman. The roles society says it's normal for me to play. For example my mother and other family members have been asking when I'm gonna have children, my mother saying something along the lines that "for a woman having children is the most fulfilling thing there is." And... just when she says that everything in my body cringes. Like really? Perosnally, being my own person and developing and improving myself sounds like so much more fulfillment than raising a child. (No offense to people who want children.)

I really really can't see myself having children...ever. Even the thought of becoming pregnant and the bodily changes it involves makes me nauseous. Body issues is another thing. I just don't like that I have a biologically female functioning body and its ability to bear children. I know this sounds weird but I can't put it into other words.

Well, what more can I say. When it comes to my childhood it might be worth noting that I acted very gender non-conforming throughout my childhood years. I absolutely hated barbies, dolls and other toys aimed at girls. I would always play with toys aimed for boys such as cars, Beyblades, video games, water guns... I also had almost exclusively male friends and when we were playing I would always be a boy character in my immagination. All my favorite cartoon characters during childhood were male too, I could absolutely not relate to female characters. (That could be, though, because they are traditionally shown as weaker whereas male characters are usually the hoeroes who save the day that I could identify more with.) I could not stand wearing female clothings such as dresses during childhood as well. I actually just started wearing dresses on rare occasions a few years ago.

I hit puberty at an early age and felt very, very repulsed by my developing breasts. I actively remember that at this age (I was around 10) I was thinking if only I could have surgery to remove these breasts. But, here comes the thing, I was bullied all the time for hitting puberty early and basically all the kids at school always pointed out my boobs which made me feel super uncomfortable. So I can't really say if my wish for breast surgery is based maybe solely on the bullying or on something else as well.

One last thing, I now often imagine being a guy during masturbation... like I imagine having sex in a male body with a woman.

So yeah, the point of me writing this is because I want to know if other people (especially transgender folks) can relate. Are there signs I could be transgender? Or is this more of a "I hate female gender roles" thing? This is such a difficult topic and I just recently "allowed" myself to even question my own gender identiy. Because, in all honesty, the thought of me possibly being trans evokes a lot of fear in me in regards to social stigma and consequences... Thanks for reading and your advice.

 

Hello, even though this is a late reply, I wanted to tell you, QuietPeace and Aberrance that I appreciate your words a lot. I feel a lot of relief in being able to talk about this openly.

To be honest with you, very soon after opening this thread I ignored or even surpressed my questioning of gender again and told myself that I can't be trans and that I have to be a cis female.

Well, today I was studying for a university course that deals with gender diversity and had an experience I want to share with you.

There were a couple of pdf slides that talked about transsexual professional athletes. For example there was an athlete (Erik Schinegger) who was assigned biologically female at birth. During a test before the Olympics though, it was found out that said person has XY chromosomes and internal male genitals. Afterwards he transitioned and nowadays lives as a man.
Something about this small story made me feel really envious. I even felt a little excitement and wished something like this happened to me as well.... That I accidentally found out I had male biological features....

So I guess this can be seen as a big sign I might be trans or non-binary at least? After this incident I want to explore what it feels like to me to use male pronouns (online where people don't know me for now.)

I'm not 100% sure but I feel like the fear of rejection from the people I love might be the biggest reason I've been ignoring this whole topic. Thanks for reading.

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice, QuietPeace. Everything feels just so confusing to me but I know this will pass with time when I learn more about myself. At the moment I'm going back and forth in my head between "I can't be trans, I'm a cis woman" and this relief I feel when I think of myself as a man. I also sometimes think I must make all of this up in my head.

I'm sure it would be good to find a therapist specialized in transgender issues but unfortunately it's very hard to find a therapist here, let alone a transgender specialist. Instead I've been watching videos about being transgender on YouTube and one of the questions you're supposed to ask yourself is whether, if you could wake up as a person of the other sex tomorrow for the rest of your life, would you want to? And my answer to this question is yes.