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Now what do I do?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AlanaRi, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. AlanaRi

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm new here and looking for some suggestions. First I'll tell a little of my story and maybe you all can help me with what comes next. I come from a pretty religious upbringing, I'll get to how that's important in a minute, two younger sisters, and parents with a healthy hetero relationship that weren't shy about showing affection. From the time I was roughly 7 years old until well into my 20s I would pray(nightly all through pubity, but less often in my 20s) that God would realize his mistake and fix me so I could wake up as a girl in my true body. I would steal my mother's bra and sleep in it or take my sister's clothing in secret and wear it around the house when no one was home. I'd try makeup and a wig too and just sit around and watch TV or play video games. Often when I was young playing with my sisters I would ask them to dress me as the female character in whatever story we were acting out. I did this all through pubity and into my teen years until I got my first girlfriend, a bit late maybe, in my senior year. After HS I sort of stopped the cross dressing but found drugs and alcohol a welcome coping mechanism. I remember being drunk at parties and trading clothes with my female friends and my girlfriend at the time. I've had dreams of being a woman many times oflver the years. When I sobered up by my late 20s I met a woman and fell in love, we have been married now for a few years. I've been living that time happily as a cis male. I've never honestly asked myself if I was trans, it never even crossed my mind. Idk how I didn't, you'd think I would at some point, based on all this. Recently I've had such a strong desire to try living a more femme lifestyle. I had sort of a lightning bolt to the brain moment recently after reading an interview of a famous trans artist. I was like holy shit, that's me 100%. I've been pouring over information online, taking self tests online(lol prob not real accurate), and I don't know what to do next. I thought I would create this profile to try a different pronoun, and also talk to someone who gets what I'm feeling. So, what else can I try doing to explore my gender identity? Something that isn't so obvious because I don't feel comfortable talking to close friends and family yet as I'm still unsure. Thanks for your time reading this.
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    Hi AlanaRi, welcome to Empty Closets!

    Reading through your message had me nodding my head in recognition. So much of what you say is the same for me. I had that same lightning bolt earlier this year: I realised that I'm trans and I've spent my whole life (I'm 50 now) running away from it, denying it and burying what is a deeply-held desire to be female. That realisation left me elated, but utterly terrified.

    In the immediate aftermath of my revelation I phoned some LGTB helplines in the UK and talked to people in confidence, some of them other transwomen. That definitely helped, as did the support I found on this forum. After about six weeks when I had had time to let the idea of being trans 'settle' in my head, when I felt I couldn't keep it in any longer, I began coming out to my closest friends.

    Hope this helps!

    Beth
     
  3. AlanaRi

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    Thanks so much for your words Beth. I'll look into some helplines in my area. I don't really know any other trans women in my area to talk to so that could be a good start. Have you been to a therapist at all? I thought that might be helpful too. This all so so new to me and I'm really only a short time into exploring things and learning. You are so brave for coming out to your friends. I'm really unsure how some of my male friends will react if I tell them. Im still too unsure yet of how I feel. I worry this is just some sort of kink, I do feel sexy when I wear female clothes. But I really feel so comfortable using my female avatar here and using female pronouns, like not uncomfortable at all, it feels like me. And I really just want to Be a woman, I want to feel sexy, and feel like I can cuddle up with my own body at night and feel comfortable. Just so many thoughts and fears.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    If that is who you are then you already are. Sure having people use the right name and pronouns is nice. Transition with lived experience, hormones and possibly more help with presentation and acceptance, and that does feel wonderful. The main thing though is being your true self which you can start doing immediately.
     
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  5. chicodeoro

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    I think I dismissed my feelings as being linked to 'some sort of kink' for years! Probably because it felt easier to put them in a box and label them as such rather than having to confront the truth. Instead wearing female clothes now just feels more like me...more comfortable. Presenting as male feels..well, 'wrong' is the only word I can use.

    I have, yes. It's early days - I'm only four weeks in - but it is helping. I'd recommend looking into it. Talking to people who have experience in the area of gender identity is something I definitely needed to do before I could start to come out to friends.

    Beth
     
  6. Albine

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    Sounds like going to a therapist would be beneficial to you. You may want to look at one that will challenge you in your feelings rather than just someone that will just go along with you. When I was in my teens and early twenties I crossed dressed, out and about a lot! Couple years later I began trying to figure out if I was trans or not I decided I was not but continued dressing. I felt I was having different feelings of my body began to realize that while transitioning was not for me I came to realize that I wanted breasts, and after a couple of years of considering I have recently decided and had my breast augmented, currently on that end of the recovery stage.
     
  7. AlanaRi

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    Thanks Albine. I'm on the wait list right now to see a therapist, 8 weeks wait though:frowning2:. Tough year for a lot of folks. But that's ok I can wait a bit longer. And in the meantime I am thankful for this online community.
     
  8. Daddio

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    I am new to this site as well and when I read your post, I totally have the same experiences. The only person I have come out to is my wife. That is not going well for me and now I have to decide what is better for me. To stay married and male, or to transition and lose my wife and who knows how many other friends and family.
     
  9. AlanaRi

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    I'm sorry you find yourself in that position. Since my last post I have told my wife that I'm seeking therapy and I've told her about all of the things I experienced as a child and teenager. We sort of left it with that and I've told her I need to speak to a therapist to decide where to go from here. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to say to her. She responded in support of me mostly. But I know she is very concerned about what this will mean for our marriage in the future. We haven't spoke again about it yet but I felt it might be best to let her have some time to digest this news. While I've been thinking on it for decades she has only had a few days to process. And since I'm still waiting for a therapist to become available in not in a huge rush. I hope that you and your wife can come to find some way to make things work. I know the thought of losing your partner is terrifying and I can certainly relate. perhaps you and your wife could see a therapist together and that may be helpful? I'm considering this option as well.
     
  10. Daddio

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    I am seeing a therapist, but she is fresh out of college and has no experience in gender identity issues. She is helping me anyways. This site is helpful and she sent me another one today that I haven't looked at. She also suggested that my wife join our sessions and or, find a support group for herself.
    I hope for the best for you and your wife. This shit is difficult and I don't understand it, let alone try to explain it to my wife.
     
  11. Albine

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    It is rough and I am sorry seeing a therapist will be so much better for you and worth the weight! hang in there!
     
  12. AlanaRi

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    Thanks Albine,

    I just had my first session yesterday with my therapist. It was so nice to be able to vocalize my thoughts and feelings for the first time. My wife and I have also had a couple conversations, those have been the most difficult of my life and probably our relationship. She's supportive, but Her biggest fear is if I transition she feels she won't be sexually attracted to me anymore. I can understand, we are going to talk more this week. Also the therapist offered to have my wife join the sessions at some point, so I'm thinking maybe after I've had some time to talk that through with her we might give it a try.
     
  13. AlanaRi

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    My wife and I talked again last night. I told her that I would like to try dressing in femme to see if that feels affirming to me, or to try other changes like gender affirming or gender neutral pronouns. Unfortunately she feels that if I'm going to start presenting female that she won't be able to be with me because she wont be attracted to me. I don't know where to go from here, I love her, and otherwise our relationship has been the most healthy one of my life, and I've been "ok" living as male for 30+ years already, maybe I should just continue. I don't know if I should just give up on all this, I feel I'm weighing my marriage against these thoughts. On the other hand, I know none of this will just go away, it hasn't ever before, not totally anyways. Does anyone here have experience with handling these things with their spouse? Is there any hope? Have I already caused enough damage to her perception of me to totally destroy us? She says I need to make a choice of what I want, but how can I do that without taking steps in the real world and try living as a woman if I don't have a safe space at home start? Also, for a lot of years these thoughts were easy enough to push off to the side, why in the world is it overwhelming me so suddenly and taking over ever waking moment of my thoughts? I'll of course be following up with my therapist on these thoughts but hopefully someone here may be of some help too. And I think I'll avoid talking with my wife again for a few days at least about it, I know she needs time to process as well.
     
  14. Daddio

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    I'm sorry to hear the struggles that you are going through. I totally feel like I am reading my own post. I am currently dealing with the exact situations and have yet to come to any conclusions or find any "good" help.
    I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer. I as you, hope someone here can tell us how they dealt with these things.
     
  15. QuietPeace

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    My experience was that I married someone after being put through conversion "therapy". My case was a bit different in that I made sure that she knew before we married (I had lived as my true self for a few years). She did let me take hormones for a while and dress in private but it had to be a hidden thing. It eventually broke me and I have been disabled since. Our marriage ended for other reasons and that then allowed me to go back to living as my true self. Only you can answer whether or not you could live the rest of your life hiding who you really are in this current marriage.
     
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  16. AlanaRi

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    Thanks,

    It is nice to know I'm not alone. I think right now what I need is that step from the virtual world where use the pronouns I prefer and bringing that into a real lived experience, and while it's been helpful initially to use the virtual space, there definitely comes a point where it's just not quite enough. If you have any breakthroughs let me know! I hope you are well, hang in there!
     
  17. AlanaRi

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    Thanks or the insight, and for sharing your experience. Its heartbreaking to hear how this can break a person, I certainly understand. I wish I could have told her before we married, but I wasn't in a place in my life where that was possible, I was very, very good at repressing things and felt they would never come back.... you're right though, only I can decide what to do, and it's certainly not a decision I can make quickly. I think I have more to learn about myself, and perhaps in the mean time other things with my wife may change. I'll be back here as things unfold.