I feel like such a cliche, but here it is. I've known I was attracted to my own sex since I was 9 years old. Looking back, my interest in women during college has a stronger zing to the memories than memories of my experience with men (my opposite gender). I wrote poetry to this one college friend, all about how beautiful she was and how I enjoyed her body. I wrote poetry about male partners but most of it was about the problems in my relationships with them. I wonder if I grew up with awareness of the term "compulsory heterosexuality" would my life path have been different. I'm so confused right now as I always thought I was bisexual, and maybe I am bi with a strong preference for women. I don't want to get graphic here but I don't exactly not enjoy hetero relations. I just... feel like something is missing. I thought it was me, my own issues related to my past. I thought it was him, we are just too different. I thought it was environmental factors that have caused a lot of stress to our marriage. I love my husband, and we co-parent well together. He knows I like women, and I openly talk about the features I enjoy looking at on women in movies and other situations. I had a crush on another yogi before we moved, and he even gave me permission to sleep with her before we left town if I wanted to. I was very tempted but I was too chicken to ask her. My marriage definitely has other problems, but I am trying to figure out how much of it is this sexual orientation thing. I can't decide if it would hurt my spouse to know that this is part of the picture for me or not. His family is very conservative, but he isn't. He's probably fairly bisexual himself actually. I just don't really find him attractive and have to really talk myself into sex, but it's my understanding that this is pretty normal for women in long relationships no matter what, that we just stop feeling our partners like that. I don't know why now it's so important to figure out for myself if I'm lesbian or still the bisexual I always thought I was. I suppose I might just be looking for a reason to end the relationship that I don't have to feel so guilty about. I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him anymore. That feels like a sh*t reason to end a marriage, especially as we have a child together. But ending it because I realized my preference for women is stronger than I originally thought, and I can't ignore it anymore? That feels like one of those "it's nobody's fault" situations. But then the next question is how do I even begin to date other women? I've been so anxious about approaching them, I get so excited that it kind of stresses me out. It's really hard to find anywhere to talk to other LGBTQ+ who are older than 25 so I appreciate that this forum exists. All the younger people have already done this work, and I feel embarrassed to not know myself better than this. I feel wrong asking people younger than me for help with something that they had to work hard to do for themselves. I admire younger people who can bravely turn away from heteronormativity without this sort of hemming and hawwing. Thanks for listening.
I forgot to ask my question! How do you know? How do you know if your attraction for the opposite gender is organic to you or a side effect of swimming in heteronormative soup? How do you decide what to tell a spouse?
I really relate to this because the first time I read about comp het it was almost like giving myself permission to not hate myself for having lived my whole life only being with men even though I desired women. I wanted a family, I wanted to fit in and I could like men but never in the way I desired women. I have enjoyed sex with men before but I think that was more physical than psychological, I always had to imagine I was with a woman. Men's bodies have always been difficult for me and now I'm more accepting of my attraction I'm actively grossed out by them. I don't think there is an easy answer to the labelling thing, sexuality is a spectrum. As for ending your marriage, only you can answer that. I want to end mine but my relationship is in the ditch at this point and I can't even make myself look at him much less anything else. Maybe look into couples therapy. It may offer you both some clarity about your relationship.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I didn't always have to imagine being with women but I have more lately. I find myself feeling repulsed by my husband but I think it's more than sexuality. Our relationship has a lot of issues. We have been to four marriage counselors. It's unfortunate as I think we both want things to work, but there's just a lot in the way. A lot of it is my fault. I'm just starting to see that this is probably a piece of the puzzle. I feel like most of my feelings toward male partners are a side effect of what I think I'm supposed to feel, not necessarily what I would have felt if I wasn't expected to date and prefer men. It's funny, life is so hectic I rarely get time for introspecting but the last time I got a massage the concept of comp het popped in my head and my gut/intuition/higher self/whatever started ringing alarms at me like hey pay attention to this! So now I'm trying to.... It's interesting how we can hide things from ourselves until we are ready to see them.
We definitely can. This became so much more real to me during lockdown. I tried meditation and whenever I came back the first thought in my head was ' you're gay' and then it was the thought in my head when I woke up every morning, then when I went to bed at night. Then I just dropped everything that I was trying to do to let myself explore it in my own mind. I'm now confident within myself as to how I feel even if not with the outside world.
Hi @QueerYogi I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I have been in a similar situation myself and it is confusing and hard to process what’s really going on. Reading your post through, you don’t sound happy in your current relationship. Try to avoid normalising things like “talking yourself into sex” and be really honest with yourself about whether or not you’re happy. Is this relationship what you want? If not, then try to avoid getting sidetracked by questioning your sexuality. Is your specific label going to make any difference to how you feel about your current relationship? I was miserable with my ex and he was emotionally abusive, but I didn’t see it because I was so caught up in questioning my sexuality. It can be an easy trap to fall into. No pressure or rush to act, though. Take your time and think in through.
