I am new to this site. I am in my 50's and have been wearing women's clothing since a teenager. I told my wife about wanting to crossdress a little over 3 years ago. Recently, these desires have intensified to the point that I feel I have gender identity issues. How do I know the difference between just wanting to crossdress, just a fetish, or am I transgender or non conforming, or gender fluid??? Also my wife is now having a very difficult time because in her mind I am going to have the bottom surgery.
Only you can really answer this. Do you only want to dress in private and just to relax, that is probably just simple crossdressing. Do you do it for sexual excitement, then maybe it is a fetish. Are you thinking that you really want to change your life and no longer live within the stereotypical constraints of your birth assignment, then maybe it does have something to do with being trans. Perhaps you should see a gender therapist or at least a therapist with experience with LGBT issues. Let her know what you are really feeling on this. Wearing a dress does not necessarily mean transition at all, and even transition does not necessarily mean medical transition (hormones) and surgery is even further along.
Thank you for the replies. I mostly dress in private, but have ventured out in some public places. I feel very nervous when I do that. I remember when I was younger I would dress for sexual gratification, but that isn't way I do it now. Even though there are times of arousal when I do. I am finding it very difficult to find a therapist. The one I am working with is fresh out of college. It seems that there are so many different reasons and feelings that go along with dressing that it is confusing trying to figure out who I am. I don't know and understand enough about gender queer, gender fluid, or non-conforming. It is so weird that I am looking for a lable when I hate when people lable others. I think it will be easier to explain to others if I knew more about myself.
Thank you for sharing your situation, Daddio. I am in a similar situation in some ways. I did not have any cd interest or experience earlier in life as you and many others have. However, I am 62 now and became interested in cd around the age of 50. The need to dress in private and finding ways to move beyond my "usual" guy dress and presentation and its been an increasing part of my life since then. Over that time I have sometimes been baffled by the need and found myself engaging in the buy/purge pattern that many folks engaging in CD describe. I could not really say why I dressed and felt shame associated with it. I have found dressing to be a turn on sometimes and sometimes a comfort. About 3 years ago at a particularly low point my wife said that she needed me to try to address my depression as it was hard for her to be with someone that seemed down too often (I have had moderate depression off an on and sought treatment several times to some success but no luck with drugs and no miracle turn-arounds.) Something in my head clicked and I knew that I needed to find a therapist that would help me unpack my cd and a growing sense of gender dis-ease. I was fortunate to find someone well versed in gender identity and expression issues and I know have a place where I can discuss these things openly in a way I thought I never would. I am still confused at times (how could I possibly find high heels a thing? why do I need others to know that I am not the cismale I appear to be?) and don't claim any particular label but know that I am transitioning away from--or growing--beyond where I have seen myself for so long. Don't get me wrong, I am scared and worry that my changes will cost me in significant ways. Still, it is clear that the journey is/has been/will be necessary for me and it comes from a place of liberation and openness and not fear or unhappiness (or mental health problems).
Daddio, Hi, there is some statements and questions i was once asked that helped alot. 1. cisgender people usually dont spend hours agonising over if they trans. 2. If you could press a button and be a girl for a day, you would press it? 3. If there was a button that could turn you into a girl for a year, and then a button to change you back, would you press the back button? 4. And finally, if you were stranded alone on a beach, and no one would rescue you, but one day a button popped up and if you press it you will be a girl for the rest of your life, would you press it? There is no right answers but its a good mind thought when you stuck and going down the "maybe i am, maybe am full of it" spiral.
Wow. Those are compelling questions. The answer to #2 is absolutely. I think if I pushed the button for a year, I would not push it to go back because after a year I would find out which friends and family stuck with me and how many friends I would make. And after a year, if I pushed it to turn back, would some of my friends and family come back. I hope not. That would be pretty shallow of them. Right now I wish there was a button I could push to change back and forth on an unlimited bases. And as for the last question, if I was alone I would definitely press that button. Because if I ever came across anyone, they would no nothing about me except what they would see. And that would be me as a girl. Now what does all of this mean for me? I love my wife so much, and she told me that she couldn't stay married to a woman. Either way I don't see happiness. I have gone so long with this that it just seems impossible for me to ever truly be happy.
This is the question you have to find the answer to yourself, no one can tell you what you can and cant be
This is not uncommon. I find often in life that I have to choose between things. We cannot get everything our way it seems. Only you can decide whether being your true self but then having to find a different significant other or continuing to live within your birth assignment and keeping your current wife would be best for you. It would be neat if we could go back and review our decisions and try them differently over and over until we get the life that we really want but that is not an option. We are left having to make decisions the best we can and at each time use what limited information we have and just accept that we have done our best.
