Hello! I have a long, multiple-part question; if you bear with me long enough to read the whole thing, bless you. I don't know what my sexual orientation is; I am potentially bi because of the story I'm about to share, but I know that I wouldn't have come to this conclusion if I didn't live in this century with all of the LGBTQ+ information readily available. (Not that I wouldn't have experienced the same feelings and confusion, I just don't think that I would have known enough to potentially label it as sexual attraction). I have never dated anyone; the fluttery sensation that I feel towards boys who notice me I label as sexual attraction because of what society has taught me (at least I believe that to be the case). However, the relationship that I had with a girl, that I described as a "best friendship", wrecked me in a way that I think would be more in keeping with a real romantic/sexual attraction. Has anyone else experienced confusion over whether a relationship was just a toxic friendship, or if it became toxic because you were treating it unconciously as a romantic relationship? I went to a very conservative college, where girls were encouraged to find their husbands before graduation. I hung out with a couple of guys (super innocent) and felt fluttery and happy around them, but both times my best friend at the time (girl), said something negative about them and I stopped trying to befriend them almost immediately because her opinion meant more to me. Consequently, I've never been close to a boy; I have lots of healthy female friendships, but the relationship I had with this girl didn't feel quite the same. I wrote about this girl in my journal constantly. I began to dress like her (flannel and a ballcap that she gave me); she even let me borrow some of her flannels which I loved because they smelled like her. I tried to pick up her hobbies because it made me feel closer to her, and we hung out constantly, which morphed into a relationship where we were constantly cuddling in her bed (spooning, etc.), play-wrestling, or otherwise touching. Once she accidentally held my hand for ten or so minutes in the cafeteria and when she realized she pulled away but I had been so happy about it. Although I'm embarrassed to admit it, I even started fantasizing about her before bed. Through all of this I never thought that I might be in love, although I got very jealous when she stopped texting me constantly. Once she got a boyfriend, she stopped texting me and I shut down inside myself for almost a year. During that time though she ended up rooming with me and another friend, during which time I had to deal with watching her and her boyfriend cuddle and kiss on the couch, which bugged me considerably, but when she accused me of being jealous that she had a boyfriend and I didn't, I couldn't relate to it at all. It took until a couple of months ago for me to realize I don't think I am jealous of her, but of him. Which begs the question, what exactly is romantic love and when do you know that you're feeling it towards someone? I know that everything I described above doesn't exactly sound healthy, but if it was a boy I was describing, I feel like it would be written off as puppy love, versus this is what I had at first assumed was a problematic friendship. I know that there are posts on here about how romantic love is the same as friendship, but isn't it still an important part of a sexual relationship? How can I stop myself from accidentally getting into a situation like this again? I'm so terrified of feeling like this again that I feel like I've closed myself off from people and don't ever want to date.
Well I can at least confirm that you definitely have a crush. Is it love? That can be hard to say, I feel like love can feel slightly different for everyone. I remember when I had my first love, she was someone I barely knew. We hardly talked for the majority of the time that we knew each other, and communicated mostly through facial expressions and looks. I didn't know that I had developed feelings for her until months after we started our silent friendship. I had a crush on someone else for a long time, until I had a dream about kissing the girl I had become friends with. I woke up in a cold sweat and was midway through a panic attack. After that dream, my former crush was completely out of my mind and this new girl was all I ever could think about. It was a pretty stereotypical butterflies, heart racing, take my breath away experience. Every time she would walk by me I would savor the brief whiff of her smell, which was the most amazing thing I'd ever smelled in my life. As time went on and we continued our silent bond I was just more and more entranced by her. I came to realize I was in love with her when it started to feel different than my last crush, where something about it just felt safer. That part was likely because we had bonded, she noticed me, unlike my last crush. It felt like it was safe to show her what was inside of me, how I felt. And just who I was as a person. I know this is a vastly different experience from yours, considering y'all are friends and have an actual formed relationship. It definitely sounds a bit problematic since she's being defensive. But also, even if this more of a puppy love situation, it is still something that can be considered valid, we are all only human. And on being human, there's really not a way to guarantee that you wont feel like this again. Our brains are complicated and make unconscious decisions for us constantly. A good first step that will at least provide some clarity is to tell her how you feel. I know, that terrifying. Putting yourself on the line like that is always going to be a little scary. Whether or not you know exactly what you feel, you can at least free yourself from that burden. Even if she's horrified or upset it'll at least make communication between you two better. She may need space, or reject you, and as much as that sucks, its just part of life, and its always going to be better to just get the hard part over with so you and grieve and start the healing process. Hanging onto unreciprocated feelings will only hurt you, in both this time and the future. Sorry, that was a lot but hopefully this helps some, and if you want more advice in the future I am happy to help!
Hi Renegades! Thanks so much for telling me about your experience, I'm very glad to know that I'm not alone in this. This sounds like good advice, and something that I have been toying with doing for a while. However my main reservation is making her feel uncomfortable. A couple of guys have had unrequited crushes on her that went to creepy lengths, so I would be devastated if her learning that someone who was supposed to be a close friend had felt the same way made her feel badly. Especially since I never meant to- like you said, brains are complicated. But I feel like you're definitely right that this is the only way to start the healing process- if you don't mind me asking, did you tell your crush about your feelings? Did it help? How did you balance looking out for the wellbeing of the other person while respecting and loving yourself and how you felt? Thanks so much for your thoughtful answer!
I was raised in an extremist congregation of a conservative "christian" sect (think slightly nicer than Westboro Baptist). Due to things in my life I no longer use the four letter L word so I am also going to avoid it here. It certainly sounds as if you have feelings for your girlfriend (using that term in the very close friend context, not romantic context) and that she possibly had such feelings for you but due to the programming that both of you had neither of you could admit it or maybe even think of pursuing it as a real possibility. From what you have said she is trying to live within the limits of how you were both raised by going ahead with a heteronormative relationship. Regardless of whether she may have some same sex attractions. It is not possible to read anyone's mind and certainly not for me to read the mind of a stranger who has been described over the internet. I do believe though that it is probably an unwise move to try to tell her about your feelings for her. In my mind the best outcome would be that she would distance herself from you just to help herself in conforming to heteronormativity. The worst outcome would be for her to react severely and then out you in the name of trying to help you leading to severe problems with your family and church. I don't know about your exact situation but in a similar situation I was put through conversion "therapy" (which is poorly named, it is actually torturing someone into fearing hell in the afterlife to convince them to pretend to be someone they are not in this life and live miserably so that "god" decides not to torture them forever).
Hi Quiet Peace, Thanks a lot for your reply. I am incredibly sorry that that happened to you, that sounds like a disgusting, extreme perversion of everything Christ stood for. I am thankful that my situation is a bit less severe; I don't believe that she would out me as she has LGBTQ+ family members that she loves, but I do definitey agree that we both are trying to live our lives according to forced heteronormativity. Thank you for your reply!
I totally understand not wanting to make her uncomfortable. That has always been a major thought for me when thinking about telling someone about my feelings. Something to always do is make it clear that even though you have feelings for someone, you don't expect anything from them and ensure that they know that you respect their boundaries and wishes. As long as its what you want, tell her that your friendship is more important to you than unrequited feelings, even if both of you need space in the beginning. It'll definitely be awkward at first but if you just keep living life like nothing has changed, then eventually things will become more normal. To answer your questions, yes I did tell her how I felt. I got off kind of easy in that department, my family ended up moving away by the end of that school year so I was forced to accept that she and I could never be. It sucked for awhile because I legitimately thought that my feelings for her were reciprocated, which they actually weren't. I sent her a link to a document with a letter declaring my love, and telling her that even if she didn't feel the same that I still cared about her and hoped to still have a friendship in the future. When I sent her that letter, it had been a few months since I moved so I had forcibly getting over my feelings for her. Ultimately, after sending that letter I felt immensely better about the situation. I got clarity, a weight lifted off my shoulders. Had I stayed rather than moved, I know it would've been a lot harder to tell her. I know that I still would have told her, it would've killed me to stay silent. I stopped communication with her for a little while and it definitely helped me forget, though it was brutal at first. I was heartbroken by the loss for awhile but I decided that I would rather take the suffering for a short bit with acceptance rather than torture myself for even longer by holding onto something that clearly was doomed in the first place. I found that feeling good about myself immediately came with the courage I managed to build up just to tell her, I was 14 at the time so it was a huge step for me and the development of my own self confidence. Even though I was giving up my feelings, I was able to accept that'd I'd be happier in the future by letting go. And now she and I are friends and I can still look back on the experience and smile, even if the memories are slightly bittersweet.
Hi Renegades! It's really good to know that telling her helped you, that gives me more confidence that it could be the right thing to do. I like the way you suggest framing it- that sounds like it would make her at least slightly more comfortable, and it would make me feel more comfortable no longer living with a secret. It's gotten to the point where I'd rather just not talk to her at all then have to pretend that the way that she behaved in the past didn't hurt me (the problem being that the way she behaved really wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't had a crush on her). Thank you for your very helpful advice!
