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The Ah ha moment of a mom

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MissBfly, Nov 5, 2020.

  1. MissBfly

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    Wow, where to begin?

    I am 42 years old and a mom of two young boys. Been married for just under 6 years and we've been together for 8 years and we've know each other a lot longer. Things have not been good since number two came along almost 3 years ago. I have been questioning our relationship for a long time. Deep down I know I should have never said yes. But I did. I should have held my ground about 'no kids'. But I didn't. And now here I am.

    As I mentioned things have not been good for about 3 years. So much so that back in September I asked for a separation and we are currently in mediation. As far as I was concerned I had two options, grin and bare it for the kids throw caution to the wind. I am not a person who can grin and bare it for very long, so I decided enough. It is not a pleasant situation in the house, especially with this bloody pandemic, but we are doing what we can until we can sell our house and get our own places.

    That being said for at least a year and a half now I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what happened. How does one fall out of love with someone? Cause I had to be in love at some point. Okay there was never the bells and whistles and fireworks but there was something. Since the beginning of the pandemic I've taken to running. As we both work from home I needed something to do outside of the house. Running became my therapy.

    Yesterday, I was out running, minding my own business and all of a sudden it was like my entire world came crashing down. Like I'd hit a wall. I had a hard time concentrating on not tripping over my own feet. I stopped and a wave of realization and understanding washed over me. Suddenly pieces fell into place, things made sense. I had my ah-ha moment. I have no desire to be with men. It's just what I was brought up with. I want to be with a woman. All these visions I had of what a relationship should be made so much more sense when I replaced the man with a woman.

    Today I find myself in a massive state of confusion. While I strongly believe this is my truth, I can't help but think something like this doesn't come on all of a sudden. Was it all of a sudden? NO. So now my husband (soon ex husband) knows i don't love him and this is our reason for separating. Do I give him closure? Do I break his heart all over again and tell him I am gay?

    Boy oh boy...where to go from here. Any thoughts?
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Welcome to EC MissBfly,

    No one knows your situation better than you. You have not mentioned if the past 3 years have been abusive, for example. If he would exploit you if you came out, you don’t need to. If it has just been a rough 3 years because you were not getting what you needed from him, that might be different.

    In my case (which doesn’t match yours), I know I love my wife and I would not want to keep something important from her. I came out to her soon after confirming I was bisexual, in conversations with my therapist. She took it harder than I expected, but (for me) it was worth it.

    I don’t know your husband, but if my wife told me she thought I was very special, but that she realized she was lesbian, my brain would start putting pieces together “oh, this a reason why it isn’t working”. It would be more like a gift. If he never takes responsibility for his side in the marriage, that might revelation be a bad out for him, but if he is generally caring and baffled about these past three years maybe it is reasonable to say something. But again, not if you’d be unsafe or he’d use it against you.
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    I think the truth really is the best course, even if it hurts. Try to be gentle, assure him that it's through no fault of his that you've reached this realization; that things like this sometimes happen (take a look around this forum, you'll see plenty of cases similar to your own), and that it was never your intention to hurt him and that there was no deception involved--this is simply who you are, the part of you that you didn't understand until now.

    I unfortunately don't have much else in the way of advice, because this is not my journey. I just hope you're able to find solace and insight from others who have trekked the same path. :slight_smile:
     
  4. quebec

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    MissBfly.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! Like many of us here in the LGBT Later in LIfe forum, I think you most likely grew up in the midst of a heteronormative environment. It's difficult to identify and/or understand the feelings of same-sex attraction in yourself when you've never heard of or seen any examples. I started to realize that I was somehow a little different than the other boys when I was about 8-10 years old. However, I had no idea at all what that difference was or what to do about it. I don't think that your same-sex sexuality happened all-at-once. I do think that the realization of your sexuality probably did happen rather suddenly. During the first year or so after I came out, there were several times that I would have a sudden realization about some aspect of my newly-accepted gayness. I remember once driving down the interstate, having a sudden realization and needing to pull off the road for a while so I could process what had just happened. I am a 6'2" blond, blue-eyed Caucasian man and I had just realized that for the first time in my life I was a member of a repressed minority! It was a real shock to me. Please don't bash yourself because you have realized and accepted your sexuality! As far as telling your husband...you are the person who is closest to the situation and therefore knows the most about his potential reaction. There are, however, a few things to take into consideration;
    .....1) Do you think your husband will be accepting if you come out to him?
    .....2) Will coming out to him have a positive or negative impact on your separation or potential divorce?
    .....3) How will all of this affect your children emotionally?
    .....4) Will your coming out cause problems vis-a-vis your children and parental rights?
    .....It's not very often that another person has the "right" to be told our sexuality. A person's sexuality is inherently a very private thing. It's something that each of us should be the only one to decide who we tell, when we tell and how we tell. Even though he is still your husband and the father of your children, it is nonetheless your choice to come out to him or not. I do think that if anyone comes close to having the right to know anothers' sexuality, a spouse is at the top of the list. But it is still not automatic. Now to contradict myself...keeping a secret like that from your partner is not a good way to build a solid foundation for a marriage. Since it appears that your marriage is not likely to last much longer I do think that you need to think through the consequences of coming out to him.
    .....I hope that somewhere in all of this I have helped at least a little bit! Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and that we do care! We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets. Please keep us updated on how things are working out.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  5. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. FIrst of all take a deep breath and give yourself a break, it might be a bit bumpy but ultimately it is going to be ok.
    It might feel right now that you are the only person in the world who has ever married a man, had 2 kids and then had the realisation that you are gay. I promise you however that you are not. I wouldn't say everyone is doing it but it is more common than you think. Often the realisation is caused by us meeting someone or being in a situation that sparks something in our brain or body. Usually it has always been there but just often suppressed or unnoticed until this point.
    For me when I realised I couldn't believe how it had taken me so long to notice when now it looked so obvious. I think our minds sometimes protect us from these things until the time is right.
    As for whether or not to tell your husband, that is entirely up to you, there really isnt a right or wrong, it is your news, your information and there is no rush to make a decision.
     
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  6. Peterpangirl

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    And I am such a woman. I was 42. I had 2 children. And it was sudden. And yet it was always there. But once I knew it, the world changed. My understanding of myself changed. It was massive. Just know that it may be less common than it is common but you are not alone.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Me too, except I have one child. But still counts, I reckon? :slight_smile:

    As above, you’re not alone in this. I can pinpoint moments where things became clearer, but I was unhappy in my (heterosexual) for a long time before I realised what the real issue was. It was a huge thing to process and it took me three years to separate from my (now) ex. It wasn’t an easy journey, but the sense it relief I felt when I finally left was worth it.
     
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  8. Fuzzy

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    If it ended as a separate issue from you being gay, I would just leave it be. He will figure it out in time.