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Difference between romantic desires/feeling and those of an emotionally intimate friendship?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by RD Spencer, Nov 3, 2020.

  1. RD Spencer

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    I know things like sexual desire is obvious but what about desires and feeling that are more in the grey area. At what point does hugging go from friendship to romantic, sitting close on the couch, amount of time spent hanging out together, texting or on the phone? If you intensely desire to be around or miss someone would any of that be romantic?

    Also can you sexually fantasizing about a friend just as masturbation material but still only see them as friend when around them?

    How would someone know if they are blurring friendships and romantic/sexual desires?
     
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  2. Chip

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    I've never seen any research, credible data, or even decent anecdotal data among those who work in the profession that show a discordant separation between romantic and sexual orientations. I'm pretty confident it doesn't exist. Thus, so-called "romantic orientation" and "emotionally intimate friendship" are the same thing.

    It is actually quite common for people to hang out with someone they like, who is potentially a sexual partner (by virtue of having the correct plumbing and sexual orientation), but whom is seen as a friend. And then, after weeks or months or sometimes years, the two people who are best of friends suddenly figure out that hey, maybe they'd make a great couple. Sometimes people friendzone someone for no real reason, but this later changes. So the line between friendship and sexual attraction, if orientation and gender identity match up, can indeed be unclear sometimes.

    I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. Do people masturbate thinking about people they're friends with? Sure. This is also one of the problems with 'friends with benefits' arrangements: The parties set things up so it's clear it's just sex with no strings attached, they're just friends, it's just to fulfilll an urge... but then, one of them starts to develop feelings. And that can really mess things up if the other one doesn't have those feelings. Same with close friends where there's no sexual interaction. One of them can develop feelings that may not be reciprocated.

    And then sometimes, someone who gets shot down for a romantic relationship will take a 'friendship' under the "something is better than nothing' idea. This is usually problematic, because, of course, the hope is that it will lead to something more, which it rarely does.

    I don't know if that really answers your question, but hopefully it describes some common occurrences. If you need further clarification, please feel free to expand on what you've written.
     
    #2 Chip, Nov 4, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2020
  3. old tacoma

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    RD Spencer, I want to thank you for starting this thread. I have been thinking about this for a long time.

    Chip, I want to thank you for your reply. Your message speaks directly to me. I am that guy who got ‘shot down for a romantic relationship’ who has managed to maintain a ‘friendship’ under the ‘something is better than nothing’ idea, with the hope that it will lead to something more. Disheartening to read that it rarely does. But your reply to RD Spencer helps me to understand that my situation is not all that unique. That truly helps. Thank you.
     
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  4. RD Spencer

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    To be honest I always have found my sexuality extremely confusing. Others have written post saying that when looking back they have had same sex crushes and attractions that they did not recognized at the time. I guess I'm not seeing anything like that for me. In my teens and 20s I fantasied about a few of my male friends plenty of times when masturbating but never felt anything other than plain old friendship when I was physically around them. I don’t remember ever feeling sexual towards another guy while being round them, but it seems to work when taking care of myself alone. I had a much closer friendship with one friend in particular and have never had any sexual thoughts or fantasies of him. I have also fantasied about some of the women I knew, and with them I could feel at least some sexual arousal around them.
    Compared to my male peers it seems like my sexual desires for women might have been a bit weaker and slower to come on, but with physical contact it all works out.

    The thing is, visually women have always seemed much more sexy and turn on than men. Yet at the same time when fantasizing (especially without porn) I find myself thinking of men more often. In my teens the only porn I had was typical porno mags of women and I did think of women more often when looking at the mags. It seems like visually my mind is focused on women but in fantasy it tends to lean the other way. To top that off my fantasies aren’t consistent either. I go through periods of time when I think mostly of women, other times mostly of men and then often of both.

    For relationships I have only been with women and have had great sex more often than not.

    Sometimes I feel like the thoughts of other guys is just in my head and means nothing, then at other times I feel like I am overlooking something important.



    And on a side note my life seems very weird, I don’t think I know myself nearly as well as I thought I did.
     
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  5. RD Spencer

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    Well, I have been thinking about this last post and doing a lot of soul searching. Doing this is answering many of my questions for me.
    A long read of a reflection of my thoughts.

    Before my teenage years I began experiencing profound levels of shame, I had very low self-esteem and just felt like a horrible undesirable person. My confidence was permanent damaged. In grade school I was very noticeably different. It stood out even to me. I was very quiet, shy, nervous and easily intimidated. Not to mention I was absolutely horrible at sports. Most of the girls were literally better at sports than I was. The other boys I spent time were odd balls as well, different in their own ways. I also spent a lot of time around the girls and my best friend in grade school was a girl. I had teachers who liked and supported me. They would tell me that I was sensitive, caring and special. Clearly, they could see what was up. Around this time I was noticing that I had things in common with people who were accused of being gay and was called gay at least a few times as well. I really did not know what gay was other than how a person acted. I was struggling to feel good about myself but was managing.

    Things were made much worse for me as I was approaching my teens. My mom created a situation where I was isolated from the few friends and supportive teachers I had. Random anti-gay comments and remarks were on the rise among my siblings. They would accuse random strangers of being gay and then make ugly remarks about it. I don’t remember my mom ever doing anything about this behavior. In fact there were times when it seems like she was stoking the fire. She would bring up an older cousin who was thought to be gay and just sit there letting disrespectful comments fly. Around this time she had taken me a side and angerly told me to stop acting like a faggot. My mom was more religious at the time and she had a sister who was very religious. Looking back, I know her sister was a lesbian in which I believe she was trying desperately to be straight. I get the feeling my mom’s sister was influencing her to be so anti-gay. My dad on the other hand treated me the same as my siblings. I have no memory of him saying anything about gay people. He was an alcoholic, focused on his own agenda and tough to be around, but he still hugged and said he loved me. Something my mom struggled with.

    Sexual desires were coming on strong for me around this time and it didn’t take long to realize I was having a lot of gay sexual turn-ons, but not exclusively. This is where my shame skyrocketed and self-esteem plummeted. I felt like a horrible person and I felt like my whole family hated me. I have never said anything to my family about my sexuality. I did everything I could to look straight. I would keep telling myself that my sexual desires were just in my head and didn’t mean anything. I would look at porn magazines of women and because I was turned on I would tell myself that I must be straight. Due to the shame, shifting in sexual fantasies and everything else going on I would cycle back and forth on whether I was straight or gay.

    In my late teens I started dating women. I was slow to build up motivation to date but got there. For the most part I waited for them come to me. I did enjoy being with and having sex with women so this help me ignore my same sex desires. I my early 20s I was single for a couple years and was ok with it, but was also thinking about men a lot as well. I was thinking of men so much that I decided that the only way to know for sure is to get with a guy and see if I liked it as much as I fantasied. I knew where the gay bars were downtown, but I was still so shy, too intimidated and very closeted to just go. I worked on building up my bravery and kept telling myself to just go. Well, I met a woman who is now my wife so those plans got shelved.

    Even throughout my marriage I was back and forth with my sexuality. I still have a decent level of sexual desire towards women, but there are times when I really want it with a man. Kinda hard to type it out. I still have a lot of shame so telling myself that I have a thing for guys is not easy. Most of my shame is connected with my mom and siblings. I actually feel more comfortable around my co-workers than the family I grew up with. I am not out to anybody but my wife and a friend, but I strongly suspect my sisters and co-workers know I am not straight. Think about it I must have always had a gay vibe and have completely denied that anyone could tell. I feel like a jack ass for that, probably looked like one too.

    The last ten years I have been working to come to terms with myself and I’m getting there slowly. The more I learn and accept this the more towards the gay end of the spectrum I see myself. Probably a Kinsey 4, on the gay end of Bi.
     
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  6. Chip

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    What you're describing is actually pretty common for guys who are on the gay end of the spectrum, but who experience very strong rejection from parents or others in their life. If this happens early enough as children, it can pretty effectively suppress (at least temporarily) sexual desire. From what you describe... low self esteem, quiet, shy... those are what we now recognize as symptoms of complex PTSD. Complex PTSD is different than conventional PTSD in that it comes about from hundreds or thousands of small events in which we feel devalued, our our needs aren't met, growing up. Our young brains adapt for survival, so we learn to please, or put aside our own needs. And that influences our personality.

    And of course, you mix that with the anti-gay messages you got, and it's no wonder you were slow to bloom, and why you could never consider your sexual attraction to guys. So it was effectively pushed down. Until something begins to bring it up.

    As it comes up, usually what happens is the emotional part is often the last to really come forward, because that's the closest to conscious control. That's why you could have these close friends who were male, but never really feel any strong sexual connection to them, but might still masturbate thinking about them.

    So yes, what you're describing sounds very, very typical. It would not surprise me if, over time, you find yourself moving from Kinsey 4 further toward the gay side. That isn't uncommon in people that have had the experiences you've had.

    It can be really disorienting, as it challenges your perception of yourself. The best I can suggest is to simply go slowly and take the time to figure out what all of this means for you. No need to rush into any decision (not that you really could, in any case.)
     
  7. RD Spencer

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    This makes a lot of sense and describes my childhood. Not only were there the issues with my sexuality but I also grew up in a very dysfunctional family. There was hostility between everyone and sibling bullying on a regular basis. I learned not to trust anyone. When it comes to psychological issues a lot of possibilities have crossed my mind but I haven’t thought of complex PTSD. I will look into this.




    About 7 years ago I realized that a lot of the time just in general I tend to be emotionally disconnected or distant. There are times where out of nowhere my emotions will just flatten out. I look back and can see that I have always been this way.

    Everyone suffered in my family and even today pretty much all of my siblings show signs of mental health issues. When I moved out, I made it my goal to undo the damage cause by growing up in it. I have come a long way and I’m doing pretty good these days, but now that I have a better idea of what normal is, I look back in shock of how bad things were in the family.

    Over the years I have come to be emotionally in a much better position to face the truth about myself and my childhood.

    Thanks for your input and advice, it’s much appreciated.
     
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  8. Tightrope

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    What you wrote about was intensely heartfelt. I read it all. People who aren't Kinsey 0s and 6s feel a lot of different things, a real mix and match, and it's not easy. The stories and experiences have a lot in common, but with differences as to what's front and center for people. Why is the assessment that a person is sensitive thought to be a negative in society? That's a little disturbing.

    I have only begun to read about this in recent years. I have heard from people that they've gone through major traumatic events, such as being in the service and sent to a war zone or being violated, but their family support system and friends were there during their lives and were fairly normal people. This is the PTSD I've come to understand. The main feature of complex PTSD seemed to be that it was cumulative and unrelenting, and that it could be both major events and a series of not necessarily minor, but significant, overly stressful experiences. It then makes the person brittle and unable to withstand stressors going forward.

    I don't know how long complex PTSD has gotten more press in the literature. It makes too much sense.

    It sometimes starts at the sibling level, but I think that's rare. When it does, it's that a sibling has an uncontrolled rage or jealousy. Mostly, I think the parenting has something to do with it. It's too bad that it isn't defused when it should be in some families. Plus there's the addiction to drama. A family that's a war zone could be a recipe for complex PTSD.
     
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  9. RD Spencer

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    Ok, feeling like I am spinning my tires here. Digging a deep rabbit hole and then wondering why I can’t find the end. I have done this before and I think there are multiple things going on here. Everything about me is integrated and I can’t pick out just parts of it to resolve.

    Its probably in my best interest to say I am a Kinsey 3 with a big grayed out circle around it and a “?” in it. I will try to explain below.



    So again, thinking back there has been a just few guys that I noticed something about. There seemed to be some attraction similar to thinking hey he is kinda cute for a guy. In my mid-teens there was one friend in particular that I was close to. We ended up getting in trouble doing stupid things teen age kids do and weren’t allowed to hang out for several months. I fell into a bit of a depression since we couldn’t hang out but would get excited when ever I saw him out and about. We were eventually able to hang out again and remained friends for a long time. Never had a sexual fantasy about him. I assume this is just a close friendship. I had a close friendship with another guy a few years later but it always seemed like just a close friendship. However, I have fantasized about him. I have also fantasized about other male friends and acquaintances over the years, but never aware of feeling anything other than typical friendship when together.

    As for sexual fantasies. I have fantasized about both guys and girls as far back as I can remember. Pre-teens probably. The fantasies have always been enjoyable and a turn-on, and I never felt like I was forcing them. I am not sure if I think about guys or girls more. Just never kept track, but there are times where I think more of girls and other times more of guys.

    Sexual desires. When physically around people my sexual desires towards women have always been much stronger. There have been times though that it seems like my sexual desires were a bit weak compered to my friends. I just though it was due to stress and anxiety which I had a lot of.

    Romantic fantasies (hugging, kissing, being physically close Etc). My romantic fantasies have been almost exclusively women. Thinking of women in this way comes easy and it just feels good and right to do it.

    Dreams. Almost exclusively women. Just like romantic fantasies. I very strong emotional feelings for women in my dreams but never with men.

    Visual attraction. Women have always seemed more attractive, sexy and alluring then men. There is just an intense pulling towered certain women that comes from deep within. When I lock eyes with a cute and pretty girl and we are both looking at each other I feel warm and good about it. The rest of my whole day feels elevated and optimistic. I love looking at attractive women, just can’t stop. I have occasionally seen a guy that I have felt more then just he is good looking, but never to the same intensity as women.

    Crushes. No memory of a significant crush on another guy. I have had many strong emotional crushes on women. There are girls from my past that still stir up emotions when I think about them. I have only two friends that I felt more strongly about but not near to the intensity as with women.

    Talking about women with friends. I relate 100% with straight guys when talking about how we feel about attraction, sexiness, cuteness and desires towards women. I had two friends when I was younger that I strongly suspect were/are gay and closeted. Their views on women seemed odd and foreign to me and to all of the other guys and girls in our group of friends as well. Neither me or anyone else could relate to their perspectives of women. I don’t relate to gay men’s views of women in online forums and such either. Now I do to at least to some degree relate to gay men on how they view sex because it lines up with my same sex fantasies.

    Watching porn. I know that porn is not a great indicator but I will put it out there anyway. I only watch what turns me on at the time. Otherwise I change it to something that does it for me. I mostly look at nude pics of sexy women posing. I also watch lesbian videos and gay videos. Sometimes pics of guys as well. The thing with guys and porn is I can rarely look at a guy’s face without it killing my mood fast. No issues thinking of a guy’s body as hot. Just can’t look at his face.

    I have only dated women and how I feel about those relationships emotionally lines right up with the typical straight guy. Sex is usually great sometimes ok and other times just not happening. Not sure if the sex it the same as the average guy because no one talks about when it doesn’t work.





    Does the above sound like an obsession yet?
    It does to me.


    I have read similar post on this site. In fact, I realize I go through cycles when I think about my sexuality a lot. I have probably done this a dozen times throughout my life where I will be thinking about my sexuality all of the time and obsessing over what means what. I would watch TV shows about being gay and when I got internet I started looking up all kinds of information on how to tell if you’re gay or bi ect. I would take the online quizzes that claim to tell if you are gay. I have never tested with porn or checking erections though.

    There have been times when I try to see myself as gay. I didn’t get anywhere doing this. I would just come be to the same conclusion of I don't know. A time in particular when I was younger, I heard that an openly gay guy was going to transfer to the store I worked at. This got me thinking about my same sex fantasies and I was excited about meeting this guy. So I told myself hey you are probably gay so just see your self that way. I tried this for a couple of weeks until one day when I helped out a customer. She was cute, sexy and clearly into me. She was stirring up all kinds of feelings in me but I kept telling myself "no your gay". I was nice to her but didn’t take the bait. She left and about 10 minute later I woke up in my head and realized I really liked her and let her go. I kicked myself in the ass for years because of that. The guy never did transfer after all.

    There was another time when I was having more gay fantasies, so I was seriously thinking of heading to the gay bars to meet people and see if I could learn something about myself. I scrapped that idea when I met a woman who pulled all my strings. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. I held on to her and we married. My same sex fantasies have not changed since my early teens and I have never felt like I could Not love my wife romantically or sexually, outside of just not being into sex sometimes.

    Other obsessions. I have obsessed over other things like this before. My sexuality is the only re-occurring one though. I feel awkward and disconnected around people a lot so this prompted me to obsess on being autistic at one time and more recently thinking I might have schizoid personality disorder. There are other things as well, but with these I decide its not the case and move on.

    I now realize that I need to just chill out. I am clearly able to have a fulfilling marriage with my wife and that is all that should matter regardless of my sexuality. And the same applies to any family members or co-works who question my sexuality. What they think does not change my relationship with my wife.
     
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  10. old tacoma

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    @RD Spencer
    I’m no expert by any measure, but what you wrote in your most recent posting, I’d say you are a 1 on the Kinsey scale: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual.
    Your earlier postings suggest a 2 on the Kinsey scale. But a 3? Equally heterosexual and homosexual? Is that how you see yourself? Does that fit? I recognize that our perception of our own sexuality can be fluid depending on external factors, but isn’t that ‘incidental’ for you when it relates to men, while your ‘predominant’ view relates to women?
     
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  11. Leynz45

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    OP our problems are different but i can give you an advice.Dont make you sick with that.Calm down relax and do what you want.Who cares what you are.Its unecessary to think about that.Good luck in your life.
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    Some great advice. I can relate to this advice because I've been told in therapy that I overthink so many things and it seems to exhaust me. Across so many topics. I agree with that.

    You don't have to figure out where you are on the scale or how mix and match it is. Even though none of us in a similar situation can probably leave this issue alone. I will admit that. Your acceptance of what and where you are can come more slowly and later but your relaxing about what you are thinking about and evaluating should come much sooner. It will be better for your physical and mental health.

    At the very least, you know you are supported here and there are others going through the similar situation, more or less.
     
    #12 Tightrope, Nov 12, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2020
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  13. RD Spencer

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    I seem to have a talent for confusing myself. I chilled out a bit and thought about this more slowly. My sexual fantasies appear to be un-conventual.

    The more I think about my sexual fantasies the more confusing and weird this seems. So I tried out thinking of both men and women when fantasizing and found no significant difference in arousal. I then thought about other taboo/fetish things with no people and even just sex toys and still unable to see a significant difference in arousal.

    Thinking back over the years it seems like I think men and women roughly the same amount overall, but I go through periods of time when I think of men more like lately and other times I think of women more. I tend to cycle between the sexes over time but I also have a lot of taboos and fetishes mixed in with this cycling.

    I have only ever fantasized about people who I personally know or a made-up fictitious person in my head. No memory of thinking about celebrities, porn stars or anything of the like. Through out my life I have fantasized of about 6 different guys total and probably no more than a dozen time each. A vast majority of the same sex fantasies (which is over 99% of the same sex fantasies) it is the made-up fictitious guy, faceless, no name and very little body detail, almost more of an entity. As for women, I have fanaticized of dozens of different women I have personal known over the years and I have thought about each one more often than each guy I have thought of. There has also been plenty of fictitious women as well. The one real person that I have fantasized far more of than all the others combined is my wife. It seems like in my sexual fantasies I am much more focused on the sexual pleasure and energy than who is participating, with the exception of my wife who I enjoy bringing into most of my fantasies, same sex or not.

    As for porn I noticed a while back that I fined women more sexually appealing than men. With gay porn the men themselves aren’t too appealing but the act of sex is still arousing. I have also found that even looking at sex toys online can be arousing because I think of the sexual pleasure that can come of it. I have always found women to be sexual and romantically arousing even as a little kid looking at the girls in the underwear section of catalogs where the males were just un-interesting.

    In my sexual/romantic dreams I almost exclusively dream of women. I only remember having sexual dreams of guys a few times back when I was a teenager and in those dreams I had the feeling of awkwardness and blandness, no strong feelings. I have no memory of ever dreaming of a guy in a romantic way. When it comes to women I have combined sexual/romantic but also separate sexual/romantic dreams. I generally have strong positive feeling with these dreams and particularly when I wake up to the romantic ones they leave me feeling like walking on a cloud for the rest of the day.

    Like I have wrote in a previous post there is just something about many women that draw my attention when I am physically around them where the men just seem meh. I tried being open minded the other day out hiking and some of the women just had a special glow that I have never seen with a guy. I have tried to see men as more than just friends for over 20 years it just hasn’t happened.



    In a nut shell it seems like my brain is hardwired to be aroused by anything sexual in nature but only to have romantic feeling of love or fall in love with women.

    I feel like I have done a decent job of being open minded throughout my life despite growing up in a dysfunctional family and will continue to keep an open mind about possibilities.
     
  14. RD Spencer

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    You are both absolute right. I need to watch myself as I have at times let my imagination run too wild and spill over into reality.
     
  15. RD Spencer

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    I know they say there is no separation of romantic and sexual feelings but they feel like two very different things to me. Maybe for people who are predominately straight or gay the feelings feel combined as one but for the small percentage those who are bisexual the two can spread apart and feel very different.
     
  16. Nickw

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    Hey @RD Spencer

    I can relate to a lot of what you have written. Especially, when you describe the “self tests” about who turns you on more...men or women.

    What I finally learned about myself is that, as a bisexual, I am attracted to more women than men. It’s just that the type of guy I find attractive does not come along that often. And, I am a practical guy by nature. What are the odds that when that guy comes along that I am attracted to is also into guys? So, it is much easier to fall into the straight side. Because the women that I am attracted to are, likely, straight...just the odds. So, my entire life has been this ability to put my same sex attractions away.

    Do you relate to this? Maybe you are bisexual and your sexual attraction is practical? It is stimulated by availability?

    Right now, I have a FWB who pushes my buttons in a way that, sexually, is beyond what I have experienced with anyone else. I sometimes feel that my “gay side” is only stimulated by him. I couldn’t even point out another mani find attractive.

    Regardless of our sexuality, there are still elements beyond just the gender of another person to stimulate sexual desire. Perhaps you just haven’t been around THAT guy.

    In any case. What do you hope to achieve by identifying your sexuality? Do you feel you are missing something? Do you feel unfulfilled?
     
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  17. RD Spencer

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    This hits the nail on the head. It pretty well sums up how I have felt for the last 10 years.



    I am happy with my marriage and have no desire to reach outside our relationship.

    I am just looking to understand myself better. This is involving unwrapping a lot of things hidden in my mind, many of which may be bigger issues than my sexuality. Something that I have noticed every now and then is it seems I start feeling like I am having mild OCD like symptoms. I get a panic like anxiety and start questioning things that I have settled before or start thinking that I was wrong about how I felt about something or tell myself I am remembering wrong. Still need to work on this.
     
  18. RD Spencer

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    So, I think I figured out why I have sexual fantasies of other guys but no romantic interested what so ever.

    I simply don’t like guys!

    Not even as friends. What I do have is resentment, animosity and to some degree despise most other men. A recent experience reminded me of a long list of bad experiences throughout my life.

    Recently an acquaintance, I think was trying to hit of me, but maybe he trying to insult me. What he said was very disrespectful and degrading in a sexual way. The anger boiled up and I just asked him if his parents are related. What possessed him to say such things, I have no idea, but this reminded me of why I don’t like almost all guys. My bad experiences with males far out weights the good. In grade school I liked being around the girls more because I was treated like crap by the boys. Most of the males in my family showed favoritism towards my brothers and seemed to have given up on me. I did have some male friends in mid and high school but most weren’t good friends and I only hung out with them out of desperation to avoid being completely alone. Even the one gay but closeted friend I had was often a narcissistic A hole. In college I only talked to women class mates with an exception of like 2 guys. All of my friends from school have faded away. I have made no attempts to make new friends with any guys and have no desire to do so. Unfortunately there are much more men at work than women and I don’t talk to most of them much. There is a handful of guys I do get along with well at work but I keep an emotional distance from them and don’t hang out with or talk to them outside of work. When hanging out with my wife’s friends and family I tend to avoid other guys and talk with women more. Even with my own family I don’t relate well at all to my brothers, uncles and cousins.


    The same sex desires do seem real but exist only in my fantasies. I probably decided a long time ago that if guys can’t even make good friends how could they possibly make any kind of lover. I have plenty of sexual desires for women as well and the way I see it women make better friends and better lovers. This would explain why I can’t stand looking at a guys face in any kind of porn, even though gay porn can be arousing just as long as I don’t look at their face. When I do see a guys face he would remind me of some D-bag A-hole I had to deal with in the past. Major mood killer. Just been treated like crap too many times. I really have just completely given up on having anything to do with guys in any way, and I have felt this way for a long time.
     
  19. old tacoma

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    So why do you refer to yourself as bisexual?
     
  20. Chip

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    What you're describing sounds like it is conditioned rather than inherent hardwired attraction (as sexual orientation mostly is.) There are lots of cases of people who are traumatized in one way or another by someone (or more than one someone) of the sex they're attracted to, and this, in turn, causes them to reject people of that sex because of that.

    If you wanted to do so, this is likely something that could be fairly easily addressed in therapy. I, personally, would find it uncomfortable to have an attraction conflict like you are describing.
     
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