I wonder why im struggling with "comp het" so much. If im being honest with myself, i am most likely lesbian. I dont want to be with a man, and i rlly love women. BUT STILL i struggle with comp het!!! Idk why i still dream up this fantasy of just having a "normal" relationship with a man, when i HATE the thought of it. I think every woman feels this way, so i just gotta go on and be with a man. Honestly, i am a pretty shy person when it comes to rlly personal stuff like this, and i do wonder how my friends would react. They make a lot of "jokes" about gay people. It really feels like a stab to the heart. I dont want to open myself to that judgement and feel even more alienated. Idk how much their jokes show what they really think, or if they just want to be edgy or something... last weekend i drunkenly told 2 friends that i was interested in a girl, and they seemed a bit uncomfortable to be honest... maybe im just projecting! who knows. it just feels so overwhelming to probably have to explain myself over and over again for the rest of my life. I really worry this will alienate me from my friends... or anyone i ever meet, really!
I think a good way to overcome that, would be to just say interesting or envision a scientist observing your thoughts saying "interesting thoughts of a heterosexual relationship are present." The point isn't to force away comp het but to get used to it. It will eventually go away and won't bother. It only pops up because you hate it so much.
So for simplicity's sake, perhaps I can offer some input: the whole "comp het" thing is yet another of the many variations of dreamed-up ridiculousness of a small group of evidence-free folks have advocated. These are the groups who manage to have loud enough voices to get their ridiculous ideas way more attention than they should, even though there's -zero- credible evidence, research, or even good anecdotal observation among clinicians who work with these populations. If the idea of compulsive heterosexuality were actually a thing, then conversion /reparative therapy would work. It doesn't. So a much more practical, measurable, and researched way to look at this is understanding the psychological process we go through in processing loss (in this case, loss of perception of self as straight). There are five stages, denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. It can take anywhere from 5 minutes to months, sometimes longer, to come to acceptance, and the stages are not necessarily sequential; we can move back and forth between them before eventually reaching acceptance. No one wants to be gay or lesbian. And so, the arguments between conscious and unconscious will play out in ways where we essentially deny reality, or find ways to rationalize and accept what we are experiencing. So what you are describing sounds like a textbook classic case of 'bargaining'... "OK, I acknowledge that I have attraction to women, but I'm not ready to let go of the idea that I could still be "normal" and have an "ordinary" life married to a guy." That's completely normal and the process that everyone goes through when coming out. It's why some people label themselves 'bi' as they are coming to terms with being lesbian or gay. (And no hate mail from the bi folks; absolutely there are people who are genuinely bi, just there are also a whole lot more who use it, incorrectly, as a transient label during the bargaining process.) So bargaining allows us to simultaneously bridge two worlds: normal, or who we thought we were, and our new understanding of who we are. And it is when we begin to fully embrace who we are that we can let go of the bargaining stage. At that point, grief and depression are common, as we grieve the loss of self as straight, and the loss of things that would have come with that. But then, as we can accept, we are able to move forward with a much happier existence, because we're no longer denying who we are, and can embrace and love ourselves fully.
Wow, I think this is pretty spot on. I really wonder why i have such problems with accepting it though, i grew up in a pretty accepting household... I really feel like i can never accept myself Ive been in this bargaining stage for a pretty long time now.
Surprisingly, even folks in the most accepting of households can have real difficulties accepting themselves. Sometimes there are unspoken, subtle cues or messages we pick up from our parents, friends, loved ones, or others around us that it would somehow disappoint them if we were other than straight. Here at EC, we've had people stuck in the closet, with their parents figuratively banging loudly on the closet door, pulling on the doorknob trying to get it to come open, and the kid is still like "Do you think my parents might have some idea?" That isn't the same as the acceptance issue, but it's another example of how denial can play out. Our minds can really mess with us. And sometimes, thinking about what might be getting in the way can help... "If I accepted I were lesbian, then _____________ would happen." or "I don't want to be lesbian because __________." Exercises like that, especially if we repeat the same ones a dozen times, rapidly, and just say what comes to mind as quickly as possible, can help us get to what's going on below consciousness that might be getting in the way.
