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The wife who loves women

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ClosetJen, Nov 2, 2020.

  1. ClosetJen

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    Hello, I'm 50, and a lesbian. Married and in the closet. I was not always gay. I always just thought I was not into sex. I was not into porn either.

    Almost 11 years ago to the day, I had my life changed by a woman at the gym. I had seen her every day just about. She was what some women refer to as butch. I was not attracted to her at first. Not at all. She had strong arms and a "dad bod" if you know what I mean. We started making small talk once, that had become a regular thing. Nothing really revealing, just the little things. Then one day my car would not start afterwards. I was about to call AAA, when my friend told me she was a mechanic. She used a hammer to start my car! I was impressed. I needed a new starter and she told me where she worked and that she could fix it that day. I needed that as I was going to Disneyland with my family. She didn't charge me for labor, which was sweet. So I bought her a Starbucks gift card and gave it to her as a thank you. I gave it to her the next day at the gym.

    A week later, I am at the gym, when the guy at the check in gave me a red envelope. He said it was from another member. It was a thank you note from my new friend. I was tickled! Then I read it. It was a confession. She told me that she had feelings for me that were "beyond friendship." She said, "I know you are not into women, but if I see you again, I know I will try to hit on you. I was so happy that you talked to me. It made me know I wasn't completely invisible. "
    I know this sounds ridiculous, but that note...

    A woman likes me? The note was sweet and sad. I read it and re-read it. I found myself thinking about her and I was shaking. She was not there in the morning. Not at all. Nor the next, or the next. Each day, I thought about her. She was very smart and had a quick sense of humor. And she has green eyes. I felt like I was dumped and wanted to get back together. I started driving by the gym at different hours to look for her car. I saw it there on a Thursday night. I didn't know what to do, I had no plan. So, I wrote a note. Ripped it up. Wrote it again, ripped it up again. Then I just wrote , call me I want to talk. I was putting it under her wipers when she came out. She had a weird look on her face, as I am sure I looked scared, having been caught leaving a note.

    We had a little laugh, then I brought up the note and her feelings... and mine, which was a combo of love, lust and confusion. She was in shock at first, then she found her confidence and took over the conversation. Asked me about my marriage, I asked about her love life. Then she grabbed both my hands with hers and she said, you are not alone in your feelings. We exchanged numbers and parted. The next day I received a pic of her and her dog and she asked me out for coffee. I said yes and we met and talked for 2 hours about life and love. When it was time to go, we hugged tight, and said goodbye. I was wondering if she was going to kiss me. A part of me was glad, another part disappointed. I watched her get into her car and pick up the phone. My phone buzzed. It was her. It said, "I wanted to kiss you too." I walked over to her car and knocked on the passenger side door. She rolled down the window, but I opened the door and got in. She was saying something, but I don't remember, because I wrapped my arm around her, and pulled her to me for a kiss. It was soft and sweet, not sexual. We looked into each other's eyes, then we shared a magnificent kiss that lasted almost 15 minutes. Not joking. She became my first secret lover. I can't tell you how many times I had to "work late" at my job. That's what we called our intimate times. Eventually, life happened and she moved back to Philadelphia.
    I am still married. Still in the closet, but I go online to hookup with women. I have no intention of leaving my husband yet, as I'm waiting for my youngest to graduate before ending the marriage. I have an open marriage, but my husband thinks I like men, but I'm not into sex. He likes the open marriage. Lol!

    My mom is homophobic and I'm scared to tell her. I think my kids will always love me, not worried about them. How does someone come out later in life?
     
    #1 ClosetJen, Nov 2, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2020
  2. Frankie46

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    Hey Jen. Thought I’d just say hi. I am 46, in the closet and not sure how/if to come out, so I can’t offer too much in the way of advice. I loved reading your post and was a bit gutted that it ended when your friend moved.
    There are lots of lovely people on here who are more skilled and qualified to offer advice, but I wanted to reassure you that you are not alone and just say hello.
    All the best. Frankie x
     
  3. Lin1

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    Welcome to EC!
    I am glad you are suddenly realizing your feelings/attractions for women and while you say you do not want to leave your husband. Is he aware of all your extra-marital affairs.

    I am poly so not against multi-relationships but many people think exploring their sexuality and being closeted makes cheating okay. It does not, and in fact I would go further and say that once one find out they are gay they owe it to their partner to talk about it so they can make the choice to leave them and find love as they deserve.

    Anyway, I don’t know what the situation is like with your husband but if everything is secret and under the pretenses of “work” then I would urge you to open up the conversation with your husband and talk about it openly. Plenty of people on this forum are gay and still with their spouse after having come out and it works for them, so it could work for you, cheating and staying closeted when other people are involved is bound to hurt everyone involved and damage relationships (potentially irreparably) though.
     
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  4. ClosetJen

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    Thanks Frankie. I have had 3 relationships that lasted multiple years each. Each one, i thought was the one and I was monogamous to them. I have a fear of coming out that is probably unrealistic.
     
  5. Tartanskrt

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    Hi and Welcome to EC
    Can I just say that you write really well I was quite gripped reading your story but your pain was so obvious. It must be utterly exhausting for you having lived a double life for so long. I admit I was a bit confised about the open marriage bit, does your husband know about your other realtionships or does he just think he's the one who is sleeping with other people. If it's an open marriage then surely you can just tell him or are you worried he'll be homophobic?
    I'm totally in the closet too but I'm hoping to come out to my husband too. I'm not sure I could manage it if I was actually in a relationship with a woman though, I think my desire to be with her would just over ride all my concerns about peoples reactions but then life is rarely as simple as we imagine it to be and we are all in different circumstances.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    There is nothing unrealistic about having a fear of coming out. It is perfectly natural and common to be terrified. I know I was. A lot of us find that our fears never materialise but that doesnt make it less scary at the time. EC is a great place to talk to people and become more comfortable being out, even if it is only on an online LGBT forum. Every step and every little bit helps!

    As far as coming out is it something you feel you want to do but you are scared?
     
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