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When will I stop hating myself for being a lesbian?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sabrinaa, Oct 28, 2020.

  1. sabrinaa

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    Still have internalized homophobia. When will it stop?

    I am pretty comfortable being out. I accept my identity. I love being a lesbian most of the time. I am out to friends, I am out at work, I am out to my siblings (I am not out to the rest of my family), I am in LGBTQ+ groups for work, I have many queer friends. I am pretty comfortable in my identity.

    Here is the problem. I am fine until all of a sudden I will think of my future with a woman and BAM I spew out nasty words to myself. "I hate you! Why are you gay? I do not want to be gay!, etc" , then I continue with nastier words and slurs to myself. It doesn't stop. Something inside of me still hates that part of myself no matter how much I try. I do not want to be a lesbian. I am comfortable with it and I love that I am a lesbian but inside something inside really does not want to be gay. Something inside wants to be hetero so bad, but that just won't happen. I don't know what to do.

    Does it get better in time? I wonder if it is because I have still never had a girlfriend? Could it be because I can't find the courage to come out to family yet? Anyone else experience such terrible internalized homophobia and overcame it?

    No one has said the nasty homophobic words to me in real life. I do not know where the nasty thoughts come from? Something deep inside of me really does not want to be gay.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    For me those thoughts originated with my mother and the cult that she brought me up in. That and of course the bullies at school growing up. It probably will not go away on its own no matter where it comes from in your history. The best suggestion that I can think of is to get with a good therapist with LGBT+ experience. I know that in the USA health care is questionable and that this may be difficult and might even require you private pay but to stop hating yourself is a worth cause.
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    I can't speak to internalized homophobia, but I still deal with the odd bout of internalized biphobia. It doesn't seem to be occurring as much as it used to, and it takes a concerted effort at times to prevent those thoughts from surfacing--but I think it will get better for you.

    Any time you start having those thoughts, stop for a second and reflect: Why, when you're otherwise comfortable with being lesbian, do you loathe that part of yourself? Is it only when you imagine having a life with another woman, or do other thoughts/feelings spark it?

    Perhaps no one has said any of these things to you in real life, but you must have gotten them from somewhere, and ultimately, they stem from fear: Of the unknown, largely from preconceived notions you might have held prior to coming out--perhaps your own views sometime beforehand of another lesbian you knew, or one you saw in media.

    Try not to beat yourself up about it. Show yourself patience and compassion. With time, you will find working through these thoughts/feelings becomes easier. Just out of curiosity, did you recently come out?
     
    #3 BiGemini87, Oct 29, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2020
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  4. sabrinaa

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    Thank you that was incredibly helpful! I will try and pay attention to where the feelings stem from. Seems like it is triggered only at certain moments. Also, now that you mention it I do remember when I was younger having this negative view of lesbians. Definitely something I will have to think about and do a bit more inner work on because I really want to love and accept myself fully. I want to be comfortable and confidant with my truth more than anything in the world.

    Well, I came out maybe around 4 years ago. My coming out has been a drawn out process. I came out to a few close people and I do not hide it at all, but I do not make it obvious. Most people already know I am a lesbian. I have yet to come out to family though so I guess I am not fully out.
     
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  5. Fuzzy

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    Have you tried therapy?
     
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  6. sabrinaa

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    This is a good point. I always thought it was something that would clear up on it's own, but I may need to get professional help on this one. I am very open, self aware and willing to go through any process necessary to do the healing. I have been to therapy before, but I never mentioned my sexual orientation at the time. I may have to wait until after COVID only because the walls in my house are paper thin and I would not want my roommates to hear anything in my therapy sessions.
     
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  7. SeattlebiM

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    I was never mad about myself being bi, but I do get mad at myself in general. Sometimes it's some self destructive part coming out that everyone has. Although, sometimes it's guilt too, only you know which is which.

    Personally, I think people that agonize about it and eventually come out are brave, and taking hopefully their life gets happier afterwards.
     
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  8. out2019

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    I haven't overcome it yet but I have the same feelings to the point where they turn into denial. On paper it's crazy to not think I am gay.

    I often just randomly say "I hate myself' when I think of something past - don't know where it comes from. I am not a therapist and many people here recommend therapy which has helped a lot of people reach full acceptance.

    I don't know if this helps but when I fantasize I am happy, but when the rubber hits the road, I have tried to come out to people I get similar feelings like you have above. Maybe that it's actually potential reality that sparks fear?
     
    #8 out2019, Nov 5, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2020
  9. out2019

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    I was just thinking of another thing. Is it possible that you haven't fully accepted it? I sometimes wonder if that 'deep feeling' inside me is really just rejecting the idea that I am gay, even though the evidence is pretty clear, if that makes any sense. I still think I can somehow live a hetero life.
     
  10. SevnButton

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    That inner struggle kinda sucks. Here's what works for me.

    My inner struggle came into focus in the form of fear. Then I started to see all these different parts of my self: the reasoning rational part, the fearful one, the joyful one, the angry one and the horny one. There are probably more. When they're all screaming without listening to the others it's a mess. So here's what I try to do, I suppose from my rational self. When I hear one of those other parts of myself, I say "thank you".

    With fear, like the first time I went to the local LGBTQ resource center, it might go like this: "Thank you Fear for being part of me and helping to keep me safe. You bring things to my attention that I might have otherwise missed. I've thought about it and I'm sure it's safe to go in here, so let's do it together".

    It seems like when I listen to these different parts of myself they no longer have to scream so loudly.