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The situation with my family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Yeahyeah2, Oct 26, 2020.

  1. Yeahyeah2

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    What a year. So my family is now broken since my parents are getting a divorce and all my siblings and I are in our respective houses while my dad is alone in the big house and mum is living in another house. They are not fighting and they have a good relationship but they don't want to be together anymore. Anyway, I still feel we are a broken family. I used to think we were different but I see we are like this and it makes me sad sometimes. None of my siblings are thinking on having a family on their own so it is even worse :frowning2: and me, well I know I can't have a relationship so...

    I know it is wrong, but there have been some times where I feel jealous of my cousin's family. I'd like to have that family interaction. She and her siblings seem to be in control of everything in their lives, one of them has her child and boyfriend; another one is engaged and the other two are with their partners. I'm sorry, I know it is not right to feel this way but it happens sometimes :frowning2:

    To make things worse, I cannot talk to any of my family members about personal things or my feelings. I just don't like doing that because that would mean I am vulnerable and that's not cool. I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I just need to say these things. I post in here anonymously sometimes. No body cares, of course but sometimes I just need to say things.

    Sorry.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    From your own statements you sound depressed. Is there any way that you could see a therapist?

    Also, if all of your siblings are also avoiding having relationships or families. That sounds to me as if your family was always broken and it is probably best for your parents to be going their separate ways.
     
  3. Yeahyeah2

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    super helpful telling me my family is the worst
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    I did not say that your family is the worst.

    Please concentrate on my advice to seek out therapy.
     
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  5. Lucy Marie

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    Sweetie, your pain comes through. Divorce takes no prisoners, does it? My heart hurts for you. I got divorced when my son was a little guy and he still suffers.
    There is not a lot I can do for you from here but if you want to vent I will listen.
    The envy you have for others is pretty typical. We all want something we don’t have and it leads to those feelings, pretty typical.
    People here do care, if not we would not be here.
    You would benefit from some therapy. Talking it out can help put it behind you.
    If you want to talk one on one....we can do that.
    ((momhugs))
     
  6. Chip

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    It's got to be incredibly painful seeing your parents go through divorce. It isn't pleasant for anyone, no matter what age. I'm sorry you're having to go through that.

    He's not saying that. He's pointing out that what you're describing
    isn't a normal or healthy or typical family dynamic. So what he's saying is that if that sort of dynamic exists, it implies that there were problems occurring long before the divorce actually came about.

    This isn't uncommon. Challenges with communication, authenticity, and vulnerability are at the root of almost every relationship failure. So it's not about you or your family specifically, it's about the issues that led to that.
     
  7. Yeahyeah2

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    How can you say it is not a normal or healthy family dynamic? Are you saying everyone should act the same way always? You don’t know my family. We were always close, we don’t need to talk about all our personal stuff to be close. That’s why I don’t like you saying my family was broken all along. That’s not true. My parents problems between them have been there for some time but all what it is happening and we knowing everything now, is recent. So it is not the same than being an awful family like you and the other person state.
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    Because of these things that you have said. Which I quote below.
    In a healthy family people can share and support each other. Being vulnerable is a part of healthy relationships. Also, the fact that your siblings also wish to avoid having families indicates that they might also have had trouble with the dynamic and are wishing to avoid repeating it.

    You are correct, we only know what you have said here and that is what we are responding about.

    If you cannot talk about personal stuff with someone you are not close to them.

    Right here you admit that your parents have had trouble for some time, just because they were able to stay together with the problems does not mean that they should keep together with them. Sometimes separating is the healthiest thing for everyone involved, even though it hurts.

    Not one person who has responded has said that your family was awful, only you have. My family was far worse than what you describe and I know people who were in families that were even worse than mine.
     
  9. Yeahyeah2

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    You keep talking like if you know everything about my family. We were close, why is that so difficult to understand? Why everyone needs to act certain way? And you are telling me to seek help but they way you write it, it sounds bad. You don’t know my family. Stop saying we are the worst
     
  10. QuietPeace

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    I cannot stop doing something that I have never done.

    I said and I quote
    If I say that my family is worse than yours then I flat out cannot be saying that yours is the worst.

    No I am not. and again I quote my statements
    Telling someone that they need to be in therapy is not an attack nor is therapy a bad thing. It can be helpful.
     
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  11. Chip

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    OK, it's pretty clear you're not actually interested in the input you're getting. That's fine. EC focuses on is giving people honest input, based on psychology and accurate information, that helps them understand their situation. Not everyone wants to hear that, because it isn't always fun to hear, but it's necessary for those who want to solve their problems.

    In your case, it doesn't seem like that's helpful. So my best suggestion is that you may want to seek help elsewhere, perhaps some community where people will just tell you that everything is fine and there's nothing wrong.
     
    #11 Chip, Oct 28, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2020
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  12. Yeahyeah2

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    Now you talk to me like I’m stupid. I don’t want people telling me that everything is fine but the way the other person (and now you) write things are rude. You could say what you wanted to say in a different way. Not just saying: well you are soooo wrong, you need help and your family suck.
     
  13. Ram90

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    Is it possible for you to hang out with your cousins, aunts or uncles? So that you can be closer to a family dynamic you look up to? It is clear from what you're saying that the way your parents and siblings have become is bothering you. Please correct me if I misunderstood, but you are looking for a family dynamic, where the parents and siblings(Children) live together like one happy family, something which you are not able to experience right now, in your life? And that is affecting you (I'm sorry to hear that)

    Is it possible you can hang out more with those cousins or relatives who are living the type of life you are looking for? Is it possible to find out if any of your relatives or siblings are not homophobic so that you can try coming out to them? Do you have any friends who are not homophobic?
     
  14. Chip

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    The bottom line is, people are trying to help, and you are immediately jumping to assuming you are being persecuted (which is not the case). So pretty clearly you are not interested in, nor ready to accept. the help that is being offered. Thus, there isn't much this community has to offer to someone who immediately attacks people who are genuinely trying to help.

    Perhaps instead of attacking those who are offering help, you might instead stop and think about what is being said, and how it might actually apply to your situation. If you do that instead of looking for reasons why people are attacking you, you might actually be able to change your situation. But you are unlikely to get anywhere, either here, or with your situation with your family, if you continue to employ the current strategy.

    Basic choice theory:
    - What do I really want
    - What am I doing right now to get what I want
    - Is what I am doing working toward that goal?
    - If not, do I want to change and try something different

    At present, there's no indication that what you are doing is effective, so the question is, do you want to do anything to change. It appeared the answer was "no", which is why I suggested what I did.
     
  15. Yeahyeah2

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    Chip, please...
     
  16. Chip

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    Please what?
     
  17. Yeahyeah2

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    Chip...