Yo I don't fucking get this. At all.

I haven't had real sex in like - I can't even remember. A year probably more. I'm in my early 30's. Off and on trying to quit porn. I have been outright questioning and suffering over my sexuality and gender identity for almost 3 years. Non stop practically.

I can't get to it. The freedom from whatever this anxiety is. I was watching euphoria today and there's a scene where the trans girl has the old guys thumb on her lips and then going into her mouth and it felt like that was happening to me and made me cringe really badly, sent me into a panic state practically.

Then I was like longing to be brought up in the current environment - then maybe I wouldn't be worried about all these things and the panic around it wouldn't be there. And I didn't even grow up in a super bad environment for different sexualities. Hell I've lived in LA and NY since I was 17.

I don't understand how to move forward. I want to be authentic and be the real me and not have this anxiety or worry anymore. Thing is I'm super afraid of intimacy but I also feel like I need intimacy? And I have only had conscious crushes on girls (I'm a guy). How do I get over this? It's never ending. I'm fucking miserable a lot of the time and feel totally mentally unstable. Like I want to be just gay or trans or whatever is necessary to get over this - but at the same time I don't want to lose myself. I kinda like who I am in a lot of ways and have invested so much time in trying to understand myself. Still no relief comes.

At a total loss. Feel like I should get comfortable with being with guys - but no matter how hard I try it still makes me cringe. I have literal nightmares about it, and about being molested by older men and just trying my best to let go and go with it and never succeeding (I don't know if I was ever actually molested it's just a recurring thing in my nightmares). Truthfully I am very very over this. I am not hiding anything from anyone. I'm single. I have nothing to lose and I just can't get there and thus I am stuck. Alone. Unable to find any intimacy beyond hand jobs at the massage parlors or cam girls because I'm afraid of commitment and what that would mean to rely on another person.

I never meet up with anyone for any real sort of date because I'm scared of the anxieties it'll bring. Girl or guy. Girl I usually enjoy the encounter but if I sleep over I wake up super panicked. Guy I can't even get over the anxiety while having the encounter. I feel like I'd be into giving blowjobs, or at least when I watch a girl give a blowjob in porn I feel like her and get off on what I imagine she feels. But at the same time don't want to actually suck a dick again - I've done it three times with varying results - always really difficult to get over the anxiety during though.

I don't know if it's humiliation I'm into. If I'm a voyeur or a cuckold? I don't like that. I don't like feeling humiliated - but I feel like it intensifies the orgasm when I watch porn. And watching girls being super into giving head, being super ravenous with their sexuality - that's a massive turn on for me. But I can't get off solely on the idea of a guy - a girl always has to be involved. It's fucking infuriating. I'm so so so sick of it I can't tell you how sick of it I am. I don't even know why I'm writing this I just had to vent again.

Theres this girl who might be a good potential partner for me but I'm worried after the honeymoon phase I will lose attraction to her. Just a mess this whole thing. Read everything. Been to every type of therapist. Taken all the drugs. Nothing. Practically no progress just annoyed and insecure and anxiety.

Ugh. Fuckin whatever man.

 

Also I want to say, the social aspect in it's current state. I actually really would not mind being gay right now if I can manage it - I feel like it'd be a positive socially to some degree. At least in my social circles.

 

I talked to several therapists for months it did nothing. Yes I suppose there's a possibility I'm not actually into guys - but I have to be at least somewhat gay I think or I would not have these issues I feel like.

 

and I haven't been in a relationship, haven't actively dated anyone for years now. It's terrible.

 

I've mainly tried those types of therapists. Not cognitive ones. I've wanted to do both simultaneously but it's too expensive. I think just the anxiety is like constantly like trying to gauge my physical response to everything. Like "do you like this? what does this mean if you do? push past the uncomfortable feelings, etc." It's weird, like I really get into porn where the girl is blowing a guy, and it almost feels like I'm blowing a guy or like I'm imagining what that'd be like - but at the same time I'm focused mainly on the girl - like she needs to be hot and really into it to the point of getting off on it. Like I get off on the idea that they're getting off on it? If that makes sense. Like it's dependent on her reactions and actions and sounds, etc.

 

And I have this other anxiety where it's about what do I need to change in order to be happy and anxiety free. Am I truly living my authentic self? Do I have to be gay or transition into a woman now? I don't want to, but maybe I have to in order to be free of anxiety. I can't start a relationship with any female now because it will just end in me being in an even worse position mentally - so I can't sleep with this girl I like. Now I have to lose women and they will no longer desire me, even if they do desire me I can't act on it. Why don't I get crushes on guys or desire any man I have met? Why does it feel like I'm raping myself or traumatizing myself anytime I've tried to hook up with a guy. Why do I always have to force it? I could go on for ages but you get the picture probably.