Hey again. I don't really know where else to post something like this and before I even get started, I should probably go to therapy, sure, but here I am.. So I'm dealing with some real insecurities right now. I came out around 5 months ago but it had been 28 years/ a lifetime of pretending to be straight until then. I had not dated in at least 7-8 years from the last long term relationship with a woman, knowing that I didn't want to pretend that far any more. I think the problem I'm running into is having pretended for so long, I can't get out of that rut. I thought for what seems like forever about coming out and not necessarily pushing it entirely away in my head but I still think it caused issues. Sure I'm putting myself out there, going on dates, even saw a guy for 3 months before he broke it off for his fear of being temporarily here for only a year or so. Excuse, legit reason? I can't focus on that. I feel like I lost out on so much of my life and I'm starting fresh later in life but now it's now in an entire new world with guys. I'm just worried I'm not sexually interested. I know I can and have gotten turned on with guys but I'm just so nervous inside even though externally I appear confident. I've talked about this before but I can't seem to make a first move at all either. Forgive my frankness but furthest I've gone is oral with one random hookup and I determined that I'm not a hookup kind of guy. I enjoyed providing but yep, couldn't get it up. It was rushed and not a "good" experience anyway so I shouldn't use that to judge. I want a relationship but I feel so inexperienced and almost like I have to have "had my fun" as people say but I don't want that really. I want companionship, I want to hold hands, cuddle, have someone to come home to. I feel things when I kiss guys but it's like I'm petrified of intimacy. What if I don't get it up? Why don't I get turned on as easily as others? Why don't I necessarily want sex? I hate being so confused and so vulnerable. I spent most of my adult life not being vulnerable so it feels exhausting being in a perpetual state of that. Like what if I am asexual? I don't want that either. I want to be intimate and want to feel like I want to have sex but...I don't know. Somehow, I struck up a date with an actual 10/10 guy. I've never been so physically attracted to someone until him. Like head over heals losing it and we're having drinks at my place tomorrow and I'm so excited but so nervous. My friends all said they've never seen me like this but at the same time, internally all of my insecurities are bubbling up and I have no idea how to get my heart rate down. I have no idea what I'm getting at here folks. Just venting? Advice? I don't even know myself but thanks for listening.
I hate this expression but a lot to unpack here... First, slow deep breath. In and out. I know from experience that one can wind up and needs to step back. Here we go. Let’s give you some pats on the back. You realized you are gay. You have realized your truth. Not everyone does. So, good job. ((momhugs)) Remind yourself how big this step is and you DID IT!!! Yeah. Let’s pretend for a minute.. You are a runner. You have always sprinted, but now you want to try distance running. But, each race you feel compelled to sprint. You want distance, are ready and trained for distance, but that damn sprint. Why can’t you stop the sprint?!?! Why do feel you must have relationship right now? It has taken you a while to get here. Life, sexuality, is a distance race. My take? You want to prove to yourself, family, friends etc that you are gay. Proving gayness is easier when in a gay relationship. Ummm, going to be blunt and no response is needed—just think about it. Do you feel desire at all? When you “handle” things what do you think about? What repels you? Don’t answer, just think. Next issue, your date. Did I miss the cut off? Here’s my advice on that...be you. Don’t pressure yourself to be perfect. Don’t act like you don’t feel. Take it slow. DO NOT go into all the above yet. First dates, dating in general, are to test waters not spill all our foibles. If it goes on, then—then reveal your issue. Who knows if he is same. Let me know how it turns out, ((momhugs))
@Lucy Marie makes some good points. When you've been conditioned/conditioned yourself a certain way, it takes awhile to undo the programming, so to speak. I'm sure these past five months feel like a lot has changed, and undoubtedly a lot of things have--but you're probably still in a fairly vulnerable state. You're putting a lot of expectation on yourself, and I get it: Feeling like you missed out all those years you spent playing straight. It makes you feel like you have to catch up; maybe to other people, maybe to that side of yourself if you'd been able to come out sooner, it's hard to say. The important thing to remember is, you aren't in competition with anyone, Everyone's story is different, no matter how similar they are or how similar the events. Try to be patient with yourself; don't rush into anything you're not 100% into right now. Give yourself time to get used to the idea of being with other men, of being a more complete version of yourself. You've already affirmed you're not into hook-ups, so if you do get into a relationship/are in one now (following your date), try taking it slow. Be honest with your partner that you're still working through some of the uncertainties or fears that come with the territory. They might even help you work through it.
