Coming out during lockdown

Hello

I'm Spectrum! I wanted to share a little bit of my story with people.

I'm in my mid-twenties now and I've had an 'inkling' about my sexuality since the age of 14. It's something that I've explored in a limited way and have probably always been aware of on some level but something that I put to the back of my mind because that's just the way it's been.

Recently I began having some counselling and fairly quickly, the subject of my sexuality came up and became a fairly big focus. Although I know that love is love and that it isn't an issue in any way, I have struggled with understanding my own sexuality on and off over the years.

I have also recently begun online dating and I realised fairly quickly that I am interested in women on some level (I am a woman) It would appear that I have a type and I don't think that it's some kind of coincidence.

Earlier this year, I went on several dates with a man but it all felt wrong. I think I liked the idea of being in a relationship more than I actually liked being in a relationship with him. When I kissed him, I felt nothing and in retrospect, I really wish I hadn't. (To be clear, I didn't deliberately set out to go on some dates with the intention of figuring myself out!)

Having used lockdown as a time to reflect on my life in general, I've also realised that my past experiences with men haven't been particularly fulfilling, that I've had no romantic feelings for men up to now and that although I've thought about the future with a male partner- I'm not sure I can see it as something I really want.

One of the counselling sessions which particularly resonated with me was one where we explored the idea that it's easier to hide behind being confused than it is to go out there and live. My counsellor asked me what having a label would give me and I couldn't really answer that.

I opened up to a couple of my friends, I realise that I'm very fortunate to have them in my lives and I realised that the world has changed. I am not the 14 who was made to feel isolated about my sexuality when I came out the first time. In many ways, the world doesn't care now.

The counselling ended a little bit abruptly and I was left with things feeling raw. I have been up and down lately and a couple of days ago, things came to a head. I rang my friend who is gay and she drove me to my mums house and I told my family that I think that I'm gay, although I don't want to commit to any labels- I do feel ready to meet women now and be a bit prouder of who I think I might be.

It's early days but my family (immediate family only!) have been very supportive. None of them batted an eyelid and I feel a sense of relief on some levels, although I'm also exhausted. The months of self-reflection and agonising over things have taken their toll and now probably isn't the time to be meeting people!

I just wanted to share to see whether anybody could relate to any of this. For me, coming out goes beyond sexuality and labels, it's about learning to love yourself, being unafraid to live authentically and being surrounded by good people.

Thanks for reading, be you and own your journey- we're all in this together!