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How to be out as a bisexual

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Aug 4, 2020.

  1. SilentM

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    Thank you Songful I really appreciate this.

    How do the things work for you? Ever tried coming out in relationship?
     
  2. Bastion

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    K
    I agree with this statement 100%. It is very true and relatable. I say this because I know what it feels like. How it feels like. I have been through a tough time and suffered hostile attitudes from people in my environment. All because of their non acceptance or bad reception. It caused me a lot of distress and anger and pain and am still trying to find ways to deal with it and heal.
     
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  3. Tightrope

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    I've seen this thread for a while. It's one of the harder things to address.

    I can't help but mention the big double standard. There's a lot of fantasizing about beautiful bisexual women and some men wouldn't even care about it if married to one. Bisexual men are thought to be threats, on the other hand. One of the things that contributed to this is that they are looked at with suspicion and distrust and they've been a route for transmission of HIV to heterosexual partners in the past. I believe people are more knowledgeable about these things now. Social acceptance and mental health resources for them are not the best. Mental health professionals don't even know to how work with it as well as I think they should.

    Everyone's bisexuality is so different. It's probably a smaller group than gays and lesbians but there's a lot of variation in who and what they like. Of the few bisexual men I've know, they appear to be cis-gender, love the partner they're committed to if they're in a relationship, but also like the additional options available to them for broader experience. Spouses usually don't know or suspect. Only a few spouses know.

    The media seems to favor bisexual women. I can't think of many bisexual men in the public eye that are out and mainstream. The only famous man that has gotten around it fairly well has been Marlon Brando. He said, "...I am not ashamed" about his sexual exploits.
     
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  4. SilentM

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    Oh no, there are plenty of famous bisexual men. It's just that their bisexuality gets erased.

    http://bi.org/en/famous

    My favorite example: Alexander the Great. Oliver Stone did a movie on him and got gangbanged by dozens of lawyers to remove 'homosexuality' from the film.

    I think that the popularity of bisexual women in heterosexual men lasts only as long as it fuels their 'threesome' fantasies. In realty few guys like to share their wives with lovers they might find inaccessible, unattractive or undesired as an additional part of their marriage (pick any or all). It gets even worse if the woman is leaning more towards same-sex and the guy is only for the 'benefits': a father of their children, a husband in the public and the lover if she feels like it. And the worse part is when the guy gets dumped, oh boy, the ego is crushed! Men can be such dumbos sometimes it gets embarrassing to be one. Yeah sure, you can be happy in relationship with a bisexual woman if you are open, honest, tolerant, don't see women as inferior beings or sex toys and have some understanding what bisexuality is and what it means to your partner and of course your partner has to be the same. But once you get to this point there is not much exciting about it, these are mostly the same rules as in any relationship.

    Now the bisexual guys on the other hand, well they are not 'sexy'. Partly because homosexuality is assumend as unmasculine in hetero-normative society. Partly because the same society detest the idea that woman might have vivid sexual life. Now lucky for us these norms rot and die as we speak. But there are reasons that you've mentioned too: the risks and the bias. I mean - how many people could be saved from STD and HIV if there was honest sex ed, refunded condoms and most of all: no need of secrecy but freedom to explore your sexual orientation as you see fit.
     
  5. Tightrope

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    SilentM, I like what you have to say. Thank you for that link. There are more women on it, FWIW. Like you said, some men are dumb. When the threesomes end or they get left out, they're not going to be that happy anymore. People don't think bisexual men are 'sexy' but some of those men on the link have always been thought of as sexy. It's tightly wound heteronormative men who look at it as not masculine. It's just sex. They need to get over it. It doesn't say anything about the character and strength of the person. I forgot about Cary Grant. I mention Brando because he was more vocal, but he's not on the list. A lot of the other men who would be middle aged and older were silent about the subject. I also forgot about some of the women, such as Whitney Houston and Katherine Hepburn. A lot more got written about them after they passed away. I don't understand how or why Oliver Stone would get pushed around to leave the bisexual aspect of Alexander the Great out of the film. People have known about that for a long time and it would make it inaccurate.
     
  6. SilentM

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    Well, this is story within story.

    Mythical hero Achilles had a close friend Patroclus and they were considered lovers.
    However in ancient Athens (the most culturally significant city-state of Ancient Greece) the proper model for same-sex-love was called 'paiderasteia'. It was a romantic relation between an older man (protector) and a younger one (beloved).
    However Achilles and Patroclus don't fit that model well because they were close in age.
    There was argument which was older or more protective of other.
    It might be that same-sex relationships were considered natural in times before Homer, but by the time of Plato they were restricted to 'paiderasteia' where having sex was frowned upon as abuse I suppose.
    The idea of two adult men having sex was mocked, as I recall.
    Aristotle was Plato's student and Alexander's teacher.
    Alexander was obsessed with Achilles as his mother claimed descent from Achilles. It was important part of his propaganda.
    Alexanders relation with Hephaestion was modeled on relation between Achilles and Patroclus in Plato's tradition.
    There is controversy if they ever had sex. Some say it was possible because Macedon was more liberal than Athens (Philip, Alexander's father almost certainly had sex with men) and they did spend lot of time together.
    Both got married to women, Haphaestion's marriage was probably political, Alexander's first marriage did not seem so. Was it love?
    On the other hand there are implications that Alexander had sex with Bagoas the eunuch, because he could.
    ...
    Modern Greece is Ortodox Christian and local scholars, researchers and teachers were influenced by this religion's view on homosexuality.
    As a result they choose to see Alexander as heterosexual man, who has affectionate friendship with his confidant.
     
    #66 SilentM, Oct 19, 2020
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  7. RD Spencer

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    Defiantly noticed the double standard. Nearly 18 years ago when I met my wife It seemed like it was almost popular for the women in the teens and early 20s to identify a bisexual. My wife told me she was bi when we first met but it took me years to tell her that I was bi. I knew then that it was not cool for men to be bi and didn’t want to ruin my chances. Although looking back there did seem to be a bit more acceptance of bisexual males than gay. At least among people I knew.


    As for coming out.
    If you’re bisexual and in an opposite sex marriage, what would you tell people and why would you tell them?

    In my case I suspect that a have a gay vibe that even straight people pick up on and when talking to people that I am more comfortable with like some of my co-workers and sometimes my sisters I tend to say things that would get them questioning me. I don’t know why I do this because it seems to be automatically coming for my sub-conscience. I don’t plan it or nothing, I just bring things up then think to myself I am going to blow my cover if I keep it up.


    It does seems like most people think that I am not straight because over that years my sisters and co-workers have made shit loads of indirect suggestions. It’s like they will dance around the subject but no one is willing to ask directly. Although I think there are a few people who are edging very close to being direct.
     
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  8. Nickw

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    A lot of great comments above.

    This weekend I had an uncomfortable time with my sexuality. My wife and I met with some old friends of ours to do a camping and mountain biking weekend. My FWB came along. Normally, when my wife, FWB and I do a weekend alone like this, I don't worry about how I interact with my FWB. I might sit close to him or put my arm around him at the campfire. But, there was none of that this time. All three of us were on guard about the relationship arrangement for the fear of discovery and how that might affect the weekend. My friends don't even know my FWB is gay. There was some talk about him "finding the right girl". He didn't correct them and neither did I. In the end, I felt it wasn't fair that he was sharing my closet in a way. Although, he really doesn't like people to know he is gay until they know him awhile. He wants people to know him without adding their own prejudices to their first impressions.

    This is my biggest issue with being bisexual too. I still want to be judged by others by WHO I am rather than WHAT I am. I shouldn't care at all about being judged. But, I do. I don't want my friends to think of me as being bisexual. I just want them to think of me as being me. I think this is not uncommon in the LGBT world. Gay, Bi, Lesbian folks need to, constantly, fight the stereotyping that are applied to us. It can really suck.
     
  9. Bastion

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    Good ongoing discussions, points of view and experiences in this thread. I agree they are biases and not all bi people are looked upon the same. Also in comparison with straight and gay communities. Though I still think the main issue lies with how a person with a certain kind of sexual expression or situation is looked upon and judged. I know that i should not in principal care too much what people say. But unfortunately I do.

    Also I have been reading some older posts and I see that some of the same issues that I have been talking about and raising. Were talked about in other threads years back.
    I take comfort in that and makes me feel not alone in thinking about those issues.

    So thanks to @Nickw and other people in this forum who are initiating and having discussions about certain topics that some people like me and others are relating to.
     
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  10. Tightrope

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    I read everything you posted and that was an uncomfortable situation.

    I am focusing on this because it rings true. Someone I know said that most people have a sexuality and a few ARE their sexuality. It might look like we ARE our sexuality on this forum - lol - to talk about it and not DIY tasks or other things because that's what the forum is for. I know we all have so many dimensions. But, yes, I have said before on other threads that some people do judge and a lot of people put the sexual label as an adjective that describes the person, like "the gay lawyer I know" or "the lesbian utility worker who came to my house." They focus on the sexual orientation part as the biggest piece of a person. They could tell us where the person they're referring to is from or if they have a great sense of humor or something else. If someone is not cisgender, they will probably get hit with the stereotyping. If someone is cisgender, then they will probably get hit with incredulity and someone expressing disappointment in them. It's both sad and frustrating.
     
    #70 Tightrope, Oct 20, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2020
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  11. Bastion

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    I still find it hard to understand sometimes why people feel the need to judge or stereotype or be prejudiced against a man or a woman based on his sexual choices, partners or orientation. Why should it matter so much that it should define a person.
    Maybe some people are attracted to different traits in different people or you like the spirit or personality this person exudes. Could it be that it’s not about gender, it’s about people.

    Perhaps there are infinite ways to be intimate or in love. Sometimes I think we love putting people in categories or boxes but what someone likes sexually should not necessarily label him as a person.







    Sexually open or a free spirit.
     
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  12. Jakebusman

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    I am out as Bisexual my having different pride stuff
     
  13. SilentM

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    This. And female-celebs too.

    Wish I knew how.
    People have double standards and are like: "a woman can be bisexual but if a guy calls himself bisexual then he is actually gay".
    Also: "if a guy is bisexual then he must be hot for any guy around including his friends and even his family, right?".
    When people spit crap like above it really takes balls to say: I'm bisexual and it ain't like that.
    I counter bullshit, but cannot bring myself to come out in public.
    I hated those times when I was considered closeted gay and felt rejected and pushed to prove that I'm not.
    I don't come out to family because I don't want my sex life to be scrutinized and suffer even more.
    Sometimes I wish 'bisexual' was default label not 'heterosexual' and everyone lived under umbrella.
     
  14. old tacoma

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    Nickw,
    I just signed up for EC yesterday, and received your question on my thread today, which prompted me to look at your thread here. What you have with your wife and your fwb was what I had hoped for. But it wasn’t meant to be in my situation, I guess. You are very fortunate.
     
  15. SeattlebiM

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    I'm clearly bi sexual, but I'm worried that searching for someone will out me. So I sit alone instead. This seems to be my life.
     
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  16. SeattlebiM

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    Yes yes yes!
     
  17. SeattlebiM

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    Where do I find the social group for bisexuals?
     
  18. DecentOne

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    The group I started is in an East Coast city. The local LGBTQ center calendar listed it, and we also made it a MeetUp group. I don’t know the groups in Seattle.
     
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  19. SeattlebiM

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    Thank you DecentOne
     
  20. Bastion

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    Aha. This is kind of what it’s like for a lot of us. Those who are in similar situations. This is our life I guess. It’s not easy and it’s complicated. On the positive side, we try to share stuff, find support and maybe look for solutions. Keep this in mind though. You are not alone in this.
     
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