So I hooked up with this guy a couple weeks ago and he was really nice and it was an overall nice experience but I only expected it to be just that- a hook up. He wanted me to cuddle afterwards so I did just to be nice and then I left but he mentioned taking me to bars and texted me again saying that he wanted to watch movies with me and I feel bad but I don’t have any romantic feelings for him and I’m not sure if he feels that way towards me but I’m getting the vibe that he wants something more than casual sex. Like i said, I’m not interested in him, plus he’s 10+ years older than me and I’m just not comfortable with it being anything other than a hookup. It seemed pretty straightforward when we first talked. Purely sexual and we never discussed anything other than that so I thought that was his intentions. I feel bad because we hung out that one time and he was nice but at the end of the day I don’t want anything more. Is this shitty of me? I don’t know about this situation.
Without knowing more about exactly how it happened I could not answer if you are in the wrong. It is pretty obvious that the two of you want different things. If neither of you discussed that before you got physically involved then both of you were in the wrong, because you both made assumptions about what the other wanted. If you had made it clear somehow that all you wanted was casual sex then you are not in the wrong. If he had made it clear that he wanted cuddling (something that I have done and then been brushed off after the encounter) then you are in the wrong, for pretending to be ok with what he wanted while not really wanting to. It sounds as if you should be clearer about what you want in the future. It takes me months or even longer now before I trust someone that much and I require several long and detailed conversations before getting physical at all.
Yikes. Your intuition is on the mark; you've done nothing wrong. If it was clear when you first talked, then it was clear. The problem is... he was hoping for more, even though he didn't admit it. This is often the problem with hookups or "friends with benefits"... that somebody develops feelings. And it is an even bigger issue where there's an age gap, because the older person often acts with desperation. You see... nobody 10 or 15 or 20 years older, who is emotionally healthy, is going to want to be in a relationship with someone decades younger than they are, *especially* when the younger person is just out of high school. Unfortunately, I think your only clear choice here is to set a firm boundary, don't hook up with him again, and don't try to cultivate a friendship. People like this are likely to take any "yes" they can get in the hopes that it will lead to more. I don't like to be a 'debbie downer' here, but I think you'll save yourself a lot of grief if you address this early on.
I don't think you're in the wrong at all. You negotiated a hookup, and now he's expressed interest in it being more. You don't want that, and you don't owe him that. I think the best thing you can do is be direct, set a firm boundary like Chip said, and steer clear of him.
This problem is universal and the ways above are very good advice. I would caution you to take a moment and determine why this guy? If he is wrong for you (NO judgement) what attracted you to him. When you figure that out perhaps you can avoid problems like this in the future. Don’t forget you can say no for ANY reason no explanation needed. Just say no firmly and no explanation at all. You tried nice guy for him, now try nice guy for yourself. (did that make sense?). ((momhugs))
