I had a boyfriend for a year. I knew I was attracted to girls since high school. when we were walking together on streets I always stared at some beautiful girls that passed by and we even laughed about it. but I had a lot of fun with him. One time I remember going with him to the beach and seeing a lesbian couple. I felt jealousy inside and didn't think about it a lot. For a few seconds, I imagined myself also walking happily hand in hand with a girlfriend, but I hurried to "return to reality" and immediately stopped thinking about it. I somehow adopted the idea that I must be bisexual - I'm totally into girls but I'm dating him so I must be attracted to boys. He didn't attract me sexually, but I had fun sleeping with him and I thought that usually men aren't as sexy as girls, that it was normal and I also didn't want to realize I'm a lesbian. I come from a religious family. In my religious school we didn't even have the courage to use the word "Lesbian". It was a totally taboo. Nowadays I'm an atheist, so I don't care about religious aspects. We broke up. Now I'm in a wonderful relationship with a girl. I was attracted to her since the first time I saw her. Now I know what sexual attraction is and how it should feel. But I feel like an idiot. If I'm a lesbian - then how could I lie to myself for a whole year and sleep with a guy I'm not attracted to? My parents still try to convince me that I'm attracted to boys because I was in a relationship for a year with one. Sorry for the long post, I have nobody to talk to about it. I'll really appreciate if someone tell me the rationality behind my feelings, because right now I feel like a totally idiot.
I don't think that you are an idiot, it took me decades to stand up against how my family programmed me to be. It seems to me that this is a perfectly reasonable way to explain why it took you time to realize how you really feel. You did not lie to yourself, you just accepted the lie that others programmed into you. It is not your fault and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it. Just enjoy this
Your reply actually brought tears to my eyes. Right in the feels. It sounds so normal when you explain it like that. I guess I really tried to live the life that others wanted me to live. I really appreciate your response, I’ll try and be happy with the fact that I understand myself better now and that I can be true to myself. Thank you so much.
My parents envisioned me as a math and computer genius working in IT sector and even though I'm 36 now I still have surges of guilt over failing THEIR dream and hoping I can still make it come true somehow... So if you are an idiot, then how should I call my self? I think you should think highly of yourself for escaping this trap, figuring out what is best for you and living your dream. I think your parents should be proud of you too.
Hi @AQueerGirl and welcome to EC. When you’re in this situation, it can feel like you’re the only person in world to have done this. That’s how I felt before I found EC. I was in a nine year relationship with a man and we have a daughter, so you’re not alone and you’re certainly not an idiot. If you take a look at the Later in Life sub forum, you’ll see how common this sort of thing actually is. When you’ve been taught to believe that having a relationship with a man, children, etc. is what we’re all supposed to do, then it can be very easy to convince yourself that it’s what you want for yourself too. Try not to worry about the past, just enjoy being the authentic you and be grateful that you realised sooner rather than later.
Thank you both. I am surprised to read that it happens also to many others and it indeed helps me to understand that what I felt is ok and there’s a reason behind it. Thank you for taking your time answering my question, I really appreciate it
Definitely don't feel bad or think yourself an idiot. It's like @LostInDaydreams said--it's a pretty common occurrence, oftentimes fuelled by religious or societal pressures (to say nothing of the confusion we all go through during puberty and the years following it.) It's easy to confuse certain feelings for others, especially when there's a thin line between strong, platonic love and romantic love. Congratulations on taking a step to become a more authentic you, and on your relationship. It's wonderful when you find someone you click with.
Thank you so much! UPDATE: Yesterday I told my mom I would never be with a guy and I don’t see myself having children with a man. I felt this time like I really accepted who I am. She said that she wants the best life for me and that it’s a waste that I won’t have a regular family and easy life. She worries that I’ll regret that when I’m older I’ll somehow “transfer” to bisexual and regret not being with a guy. Anyway I have to thank you all, I think I got more courage to come out and just live the way I am
Tell her that what is best for you and will result in the happiest life is accepting who you are. I tried the heteronormative life, that ranks among the worst mistakes of my life and is something that I very much regret. It was not good for anyone involved.
She sounds like she means well, but perhaps tell her that what's best for one person is not what's best for another. And even if her predictions should come to pass, it's your life to live. Whatever errors you make are your right; no one can live your life for you and as far as we know, we only get the one--so might as well seize it with both hands.
Thank you for sharing. In the past I was scared I’ll live a straight life and wake up in age 40 and won’t understand why I’m living someone else’s life. That helps with living my own life. I will. Thank you very much. Going to live the best life I want
