I'm in a loving relationship with my soulmate. We work in the same field and have been pushing each other to work and grow and have genuinely saved each other from dark paths. However - when we met I had just started experimenting with my gender (AFAB). I'm out as androgynous and dress/act/feel very masculine. He made me love myself again in that period of fear and guilt and self hatred, and with him by my side I was comfortable enough to come out as gender-whatever. But I know I swing to the masculine side, and the more I think about it the more I want to use masculine pronouns, lower my voice, bind regularly and see a gender therapist. He has always found masculine-appeared women to be more attractive (tomboys, a word I hate when applied to me). But when I told him that I thought I might be a trans man, he started to cry and got very scared that this would be the end of our relationship eventually, if I took hormones (something I consider) and got surgery (something I don't think I will ever do, and he knows that). We talked about it and I reminded him of what he told me when we first started seeing each other. He said "I don't think you're a guy or a girl. You're just Kali". That made a profound impact on me and seemed to calm him down. I told him I will always be Kali no matter if I was a guy or a girl. He accepted this and seems to be more comfortable again. The problem is that those were words. I'm afraid that if I actually start binding regularly and eventually start hormones, he won't want to be with me anymore. Is there anything I can do to keep the love of my life and stay true to who I am?
You cannot control how he reacts. You can only decide what is right for you and whether or not the risks are worth it for you. First he said that you are just you but then when the rubber hit the road he has backed down. This is sad, he may not have been lying, he just did not really understand how he would feel if it really happened. He may change his mind yet again if it actually happens and realize that how you express your gender does not in fact change his feelings. On the other hand it still might, I tried to live as someone who I am not, it was a disaster for everyone involved and was not worth it.
I'm in an extremely similar position, Kali. Like, spooky similar. I'm with a man that I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, the only person I've ever discussed marriage with. But now more than ever I want to come out as trans. I confided in him and he was very supportive of how I feel (and he came out to me as bi that night so it was a very genuine, emotional moment for us). However, that was before I was considering making public announcement or physical changes. I am so so so so scared it will push him away. But I want to share to my life with him, so that means I can't make the decision alone. What I do will affect him and his life as much as it will affect mine. If we lived alone together on a desert island I don't think it would matter in the slightest. But we live and work with a number of people that are not in any way liberal. I can handle the things they might say about me. I don't think I could handle the things they'd say about him for being with me. - my current thought process. Probably wrong but this is where I am
I am so sorry you are surrounded by such calloused people! Come out when you feel safe, above all else. As for your boyfriend, I don't think the comments will matter to him if this is the page you are both on. He sounds very accepting and loving. If you are just worried about the comments you two will receive, I'm sure going through it together will be a thousand times easier than going through that alone. This in no way will push him away - if anything it will bring you closer, learning how to deal with bigotry in your social and work circles. It is not easy and is not a great hand to draw, but it's wonderful that your boyfriend and you are ready to stay together through your transition. The rest will follow eventually.
I don’t have any advice except to second the above, especially the only person you can “control” is you and to live your truth, and to give you hugs.
