A couple of years ago I was given the chance to leave my marriage. I put everyone’s needs before me. For various reasons I can’t go into I’m stuck. I was too scared to be me and I’m stuck I don’t sleep and when much, when I do I have vivid dreams. I don’t have anyone I can express any of this too. Life is awful. I think I’m just using this post to scream in the wind but my situation hurst so deep
It makes me sad that you are in this situation. I can empathize since I have been in a very similar situation myself.
I'm sorry. I sympathize. The dreams are the best and the worst thing. They feel so real and so good and then you look at the person lieing next to you and they are so wrong they aren't even the right gender. It feels suffocating, even more so during COVID
Yes, you hit the nail on the head there, maybe that’s it with lockdown it’s amplified the feelings. I keep thinking back and wishing I had been more honest with myself
I’m sorry that you’re in this position. I’ve been there myself and it was horrible. I felt completely stuck too and for a variety of reasons, I felt that leaving my situation was impossible and I genuinely believed that to be case. However, in reality, it wasn’t. Whilst it wasn’t easy to start making changes (to be honest, things probably got harder before they got easier), having a plan and doing something did help me to feel more in control. Before that, so many times I just wanted to go somewhere and scream because it was becoming increasingly unbearable. I started to take actions towards making changes at the point where I couldn’t take it anymore - I was miserable, I didn’t want to be anymore and I knew I couldn’t be in the same situation in a years time. Essentially the balanced tipped, and my misery and mental health outweighed everything else. I would not recommend leaving it until that point. I know all our situations out different, but I have written similar posts myself and with time, I hope that you can find a way forward too.
Unfortunately, I made decisions that are complex and affect a cross range of issues. Me changing that would... it just can’t happen
I suggest ... Try not to let the negative self talk take you in a downward spiral You did the best you could at the time with what you knew at the time Have you ever tried a therapist? It might help you get the thoughts in to perspective and planning things in the future rather than dwelling on the past and the “what ifs”
I read the whole post but this part sticks with me. When I have had meltdowns, the ability to sleep went out the window. When this accumulates, it has a snowballing effect on your mental health. I don't want to remember those times. They were rock bottom for me. I don't know the specifics of what happened other than you feel you did not do what you should have when there was a window of opportunity. However, you can make your physical and mental health better. Can you see a professional for your sleep problems and a therapist for your mental health issues? It sounds like this has been smoldering for a long time and that's not healthy for you.
Hi, I completely understand. I saw a hypnotherapist and she is the one who helped me come out to my husband. It happened two days after the second session with her. It became something I absolutely had to do (I had never thought I would be able to because of all the ramifications). I don't regret it. I have found this inner peace. It really helps to just come out. I don't know what is going to happen now and it doesn't matter. I came out respectfully, honestly. This inner peace is worth it. I know it's easier said than done. I also read this book "Married women who Love Women" by Carren Strock. It helped my understand what my family would be going through and made me find the words to answer my husband's questions. I hope this helps
More people should do this every now and then, with reference to those sites that are household words to the world. It's good to detox.
