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I need to come out but I can't find the words

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tartanskrt, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. Tartanskrt

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    Woo hoo. Check us out. Coming out to people.
    She texted back and said that she realised it must be hard for me and she cared about me and to let her know if I want to come round for a chat. Now I just need to do that. But not sure how to chat about it tbh but I have made progress.
    Let me know how you get on too. X
     
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  2. Frankie46

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    Hey Tartan

    I am so pleased for you today. How are you feeling? Relieved? I have the feeling that you may currently be on a high and I’m delighted for you.
    Well I dodged and skirted around the issue before finally being honest and blurting it out. I have known this friend for 20 years and she was absolutely gutted that I’d not had the courage to tell her sooner to get the weight off my chest. My friend is coming to stay on Friday evening and said ‘we will thrash this thing to death until you realise you have nothing to worry about’. I am so pleased that I called her today as this is seriously starting to dominate every aspect of my life. Another baby step in the right direction. I have made a conscious decision to have found some professional help by the end of the week. Fingers crossed.
    So, Tartan, are you going to grab the bull by the horns and go for a chat? I think you should as you have done the worst bit and the rest will just flow as the conversation has already been started. This isn’t ‘the friend’ is it? What tipped you over the edge and made you do it?
    I really appreciate your, and everybody else’s kindness at the moment.

    Frankie x
     
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  3. chicodeoro

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    Congratulations Frankie, Tartan! These aren't just baby steps - just starting the process of coming out is huge.

    I know it's a cliche, but it does get easier.
     
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  4. Contented

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    Happy for you as that takes real courage. You need to chalk that up to a positive step towards your sexual evolution no matter what the outcome. Well done.
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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  6. Tartanskrt

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    Yeah I'm ok just processing. I'm seeing my friend Thursday for a chat. No it's not 'that friend', that would be a terrible place to start. She's an older and wiser person then me and she's very kind, she seemed a good person to start with.

    Having said that I spent some time with 'that friend' today and it just bought it all back to me, how much she means to me. I was very good and didn't even vaguely flirt even when she set it up a bit (seriously, she started talking about licking people, what was she trying to do to me). But despite keeping the conversation straight, it was still her I was talking to so I left and felt sad again. She is my ultimate straight girl crush and she had very tight jeans on (I'm so bad). I'm trying to look at the up side of it, she was the woman who awakened my feelings and made me realise there could be more, she will always be important to me but I need to accept it will never go the way I want it to, but oh wow she does it for me.
     
    #66 Tartanskrt, Oct 6, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2020
  7. Tartanskrt

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    I'm so glad your friend is supportive of you like that. She sounds like a really good mate.
    Honestly I think I was just getting too scared that I wasn't ever going to be able to say it, I was starting to feel so anxious and sad and I just told myself 'no, you are not going down that rabbit hole, not when you can choose different', so I chose different. I actually don't feel too different, just a bit less anxious.
    How are you feeling today? I bet you're excited to talk to your friend.
     
    #67 Tartanskrt, Oct 6, 2020
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  8. Tartanskrt

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    Hey Frankie
    Hope you're doing ok. Had a mad busy 24 hours including starting an online course on digital marketing. Sounds innocuous enough but we were supposed to talk about what makes us feel vulnerable and different, cue me shaking in a zoom call hoping to not be unmuted in case I burst into tears. Then this lovely guy came on mic and said how he still felt slightly sick whenever he said he was gay even though he felt totally comfortable in himself and had done it a million times and never had any significant negative reactions. He did say it had become so much easier though. Maybe these random small business owners are the people I can open up to, they're a random selection of people and they don't know me but they have something this forum doesn't, faces. There is something about being able to look at people.
     
  9. Peterpangirl

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    You could try looking for a pink therapist or lesbian counsellor. I found it very helpful talking to a lesbian counsellor in my city when I came out. She made me feel less fearful about being gay and she was the only person ever who did not brush aside my reality - she validated my feelings towards a particular woman: "you fell deeply in love." She even referenced her own experience of coming out, but in a completely professional way.
     
    #69 Peterpangirl, Oct 8, 2020
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  10. Frankie46

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    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have messaged a counsellor but she hasn’t responded. Good job I’m not quite teetering on the edge.
    As I don’t live in a city I seem to be struggling to find somebody who specialises in sexuality issues. I have tried ‘pride’ and other organisations but there is nothing within a 50km radius. I would prefer somebody who has experience rather than ‘winging’ it. I must be progressing as I have sent the email and also spoken to a friend this week which has helped. I’m also clocking up 25,000 steps a day and can’t sit still as I think too much but I’m hoping that this will calm down if I find somebody to talk to.

    keep your fingers crossed for a reply.
    Frankie x
     
  11. Peterpangirl

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    I will do. There seems to be a shortage of LGBTQ+ counsellors and this is an area I would like to train in myself as I am currently on a journey to become a counsellor (having done the first year of a course focussing on hypnotherapy). Would you consider online via Zoom or similar? This would open up your options maybe?
     
    #71 Peterpangirl, Oct 8, 2020
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  12. Frankie46

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    I’d certainly consider it but even that seems to be hard to find somebody. I’ll keep looking and let you know how I get on. I am sure that I’ve exhausted every possible angle in my own head and I’m not sure what a counsellor could possibly say to instil a bit of clarity. One minute I’m going to sort my life out and go for it and the next minute I’m ‘feeling the fear’ and am crippled with shame and embarrassment. I’m even embarrassed that I’m embarrassed (stop rolling your eyes).
    Are you 100% happy being gay or is there a part of you that wishes you were born single? Don’t feel obliged to answer, I’m just curious.
    Frankie x
     
  13. Tartanskrt

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    Well I found the words to talk to my friend. She didn't seem to think anyone would be bothered. She is very open minded though. I genuinely believe she wants what is best for me. She did say she thought I was bi though, which is when I realised I had no problem with saying I'm gay, because I am. It really reinforced it to me that I'm not bi when she said it. I didn't go into it with her because it felt tmi but I have no physical response to men. I never fantasise about men yet I fantasize about women in incredible detail. In said the words 'no, I'm definitely just gay' with so much conviction, I'm proud of myself. So yes I did find the words and the words solidified for me that I am just gay.
     
    #73 Tartanskrt, Oct 8, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2020
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  14. Contented

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    Tartanskrt, so happy for you. I know the heady feeling when you first tell someone else your gay. Like you I knew I wasn’t bi but rather full on gay. Having told someone else for the first time I was on an emotional high for a weekend. It finally felt so right and felt for first time like I was truly gay. No going back, but rather forging ahead to my new gay identity. Granted it took me awhile to come out completely but that first time dissipated my fear and started the train rolling to my sexual destination. I wish you well as you continue on your journey to embrace the lesbian you without reservations.
     
    #74 Contented, Oct 8, 2020
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  15. Peterpangirl

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    I think a good counsellor will listen to you and gently explore some of those painful and conflicting feelings with you. I relate to the inner conflict you are experiencing, as I think many who come out later in life do. In answer to your question - yes I wish I were born straight - as it has caused a lot of pain and there are members of my family who don't want to acknowledge my sexuality, which continues to make it painful being fully myself. Being gay is harder than being straight. However, I do like the fact that I am whole now (before I realised this about myself I felt broken) and I do love and accept myself as a loving gay woman. Once I had finally joined the dots I came to this place of relatively peaceful acceptance over about 3 years.
     
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  16. SevnButton

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    Whenever you're doing something big and potentially life-changing, it's good to get some practice where the outcome doesn't really matter. Like, with a job change, it's best to interview first for a job that you don't really, really want. When I was aching to come out in the community, I happened to run into some neighbors who were in the process of moving out-of-town. It was perfect because if it went badly, I wouldn't have been losing anything. Somehow it fit into the conversation and the words came to me, "sexually, I'm not exactly straight". That wasn't a big, bold declaration, but it was enough. My neighbors were, and still are, wonderfully supportive.

    @Tartanskrt , I hope the time, the people and the words will come to you. Mostly I wish happiness for you.