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Realising late due to lack of rep? And other influences

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Awydd, Sep 8, 2020.

  1. Awydd

    Awydd Guest

    (It’s a little longer than intended so if you want just read the first part and comment your take)

    So I’ve come to the conclusion I didn’t realise Completely I was lgbtq+ due to the lack of people in my life and not knowing where or what to look for. along with tv/ books and other. The only rep just we had didn’t alight with me at all. This conclusion was triggered to the twitter trend of ‘knowing before you were an adult.’

    A note : As someone who is neurodivergent , I always found it hard to read people and I was pretty ditsy{can’t think of a better word] I don’t really learn unless someone directly tells me or I see stuff you know? I don’t tend to know what to look for or explain my emotions.

    So I found with not that much lgbtq+ media that wasn't stereotyped or Just didn’t relate to me at all. Which isn’t saying much with the lack of it outside the gay best friend trope.

    Also only having 3 people in my life apart of that group {until recent]:

    - first is a family member (it was all hush hush and I knew last due to no one directly telling me)
    - a family friend (a bit of the gay stereotype of -the only gay in the village-, but very cis attitudes and racist .... so, very internally homophobic to himself and others)
    - my friend who is bi (always she had gfs but said would never marry a girl, would make out with her bff on online chat for guys attention)

    So um yeah I didn’t .... really have anyone I could relate too and the people I did are listen above....

    I found people when I moved out, learned to search the internet for what I was looking for. And then had flashbacks of moments growing up that we’re completely obvious. :slight_smile:)) and it stings. Other than that I think I had one moment in primary school where I realised I really liked a girl, but went ‘well I’m not dealing with that rn!’ And moved on. :| so ye.

    I posted it in the older member thread more due to a lot of now representation in cartoons which I adore ! I just wish I had it growing up, so I wanna help make it for the future generations.

    anyone else think they realised so late due to lack of rep in media and life?? Tell me your story .
     
    #1 Awydd, Sep 8, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2020
  2. CatWho

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    It can definitely be difficult to realize and accept your sexuality when you do not have others around you to relate to. I came out late and am still not fully out. Growing up I did not have any gay friends (that I knew of) and went to Catholic school, so definitely not something accepted. It took many years of dating that felt forced. It never really felt right, but I didn't (or maybe wouldn't) figure out why. Once I stepped back and gave myself the space and freedom to be myself, it felt good.

    There are a lot of things that can make it hard: timing (many places are more open now than years ago), family, friends, where you live, etc.). The important thing is to give yourself time to accept and feel comfortable with who you are. It doesn't matter how long it takes. The goal is to know what will make you happy moving forward. Our past and journey may make us who we are, but it doesn't have to define us indefinitely.
     
  3. Andrew7

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    ^ I wish I had this growing up. When I was younger in primary school, I only saw romance depicted in heterosexual forms. So even though at that young age I wasn't exposed to homophobia, it made me think my attractions to guys was abnormal which kinda sucked.

    I don't really see cartoons now, so I don't know which ones you're talking about, but I do see gay romance presented in a positive light through some anime which is cool.

    Sounds interesting, never heard of neurodivergent before, (so I googled it) even the spellcheck in my browser got triggered (since browser didn't recognize it, not because it's spelt wrong :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)

    Hmm, well, I think it's normal to learn more effectively in different styles. Since there are acknowledged different learning styles, categorized into Visual, Audio, Reading and kinetic (doing stuff with own hands / practical work etc) Some people are stronger in some categories than others. Some people may struggle more than necessary if they end up relying too much on their weaker/weakest learning style categories during their study / learning processes. Sounds like you might be more of an audio and visual learner.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    I can relate to pretty much all of it. I was very enthusiastic about the whole family and kids scenario but was also very aware that I was fascinated with the other boys. Because I assumed I was totally normal, I also assumed that at some point I'd lose that attraction to guys and gain the same feelings towards girls, and that maybe I was just a little slower or more particular than other guys. By the time I realized how wrong I was, I was also very committed to the idea of a family and had also had several rather negative interactions with gay men that made me feel like I really didn't belong in their little club. So things got complicated.

    I like to tell the story that my first real clue that this was a deeper thing was when we had the sex talk Freshman year and my gut reaction was horror and embarrassment at the thought of doing that with a girl!

    I do feel that if I had seen gay relationships portrayed as a normal thing when I was younger, I may not have had that odd kind of misunderstanding, if you want to call it that. I was still pretty clueless (nicer word than ditsy, lol) so it's hard to say.
     
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  5. PeterWI

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    IMO images and imagery are very important. The early 2000s were a dark time. Dubya was President. The Patriots had won the Superbowl. And the Human Genome Project was complete. But I wasn't. I ended up binge-watching and catching up with Queer as Folk, as well as trying to consume as many gay-themed movies as possible, as well as a couple of books by Michelangelo Signorile and others. And also experiences, but that's non sequitur to your question.

    I definitely think that lack of representation played a role. I did run into a couple of people, and had a couple of "missed opportunities" (at least from my end) along the way. But maybe I would have been more emboldened if I had been able to internalize that it was OK. As it was, even my most liberal friends were subtly homophobic. Some other source of positive imagery would have been nice. The first step was admitting it to myself, and that would have had to happen in the last century. Thankfully there is more representation now.

    FTFY :slight_smile:
     
  6. mnguy

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    Yea I think the same happened to me. I was aware of gay people in news articles about AIDS, hate crime laws and in the military but didn't really understand what being gay meant. This was during the 90s when i was in hs and then college. I didn't know about gay couples having loving relationships like the hetero examples all around me and what I thought would be me someday. Examples of "gay" guys on tv were still interested in women. In college I was constantly checking out guys in classes and on campus but just thought I liked their hair, athleticism, their confidence or how they dressed and wanted to be more like them and be friends with them. They were confident with women, women liked them so I guess I admired them and was shy around them. I don't think it ever crossed my mind that these were crushes like most guys had on women. I don't think I got aroused by them so that wasn't a sign to help me figure it out. In all those years i don't recall any of my friends talking about a gay couple they knew or anyone coming out. Turns out i carpooled with a guy who was gay and he never told me which sucks bc I think we could have bonded over that if I was able to process what he told me and see I was the same. It's like everyone was trying to hide the truth from me so I couldn't figure it out. There was a campus LGBTQ group that one of my friends made fun of when we saw a sign for it. I thought being gay was about flamboyant personality, being into the arts, maybe doing drag and the sex was mostly about sex workers or a kink type thing. I gave plasma at that time and each time they asked about sex with men, sex workers and needle drugs so perhaps I thought they were all in a group together which seemed so foreign to me. I tried to emphasize my masculine traits to fit in as one of the guys. In a sense I was pushing against being gay by avoiding the stereotypes that I didn't have too strongly, but enough that my filter was always running and being on guard. I think my friends wondered if I was gay but no one ever asked or talked about a friend or family who was gay and how they supported them. I'm actually kinda pissed that a lot of people probably could have helped me figure myself out but no one did. I was 24 when I finally recognized I was gay. Since I hadn't dated anyone up to that time I figured I could keep doing that and I did. That was fine until most people my age got married and now it really stands out that I've been forever single. That's what a lack of positive role models and all the bs about being gay did to me and more damage than I realize. Somehow other people get better information to figure it out sooner and I think some personality types handle all this easier too.
     
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