I have liked this guy at work secretly for a year now. We don't work in the same team, but I got to talk with him occasionally and we are more than acquaintances but less than good friends. He is partly out and I am not, and I know he is single and available. I initially thought he might be interested in me, but more recently it has become apparent it is just my imagination. However, I really would like to let him know my feeling because I can't stop thinking about it. The issue is, we have never discussed about our love life or sexuality. So I think the repercussion of me telling him my feeling is that, in the event he is not interested, things would become awkward between us. I think I can live with that though, even if it means the end of our friendship, because the situation I am in now is really affecting my life. I just want to see if people have any thoughts on this matter. Should I confess? I know some would suggest becoming closer friends first, but on the few times I casually asked him out he didn't seem particularly enthusiastic (we did hang out though). So it is either he is not interested or he does not know my intention, and I feel like it is not very honest of me to keep bothering him. That is why I am thinking to be just forward about it. Please help!
Well, you say that you could live with it ending your friendship. Are you sure about that? Since you are fairly sure that he does not reciprocate the feelings I would not do so, friends are too hard to come by. I asked a woman out who I was sure had been flirting with me and who was totally out as bisexual. It strained our friendship (actually ended it for nearly a year).
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It’s always hard to know what to do. As you work together and you don’t believe he returns your feelings, I would lean towards not telling him. He’s not indicated that he likes you in that way, and as you say, things might get awkward. Work is probably the worst place for that happen as you can’t always avoid each other. Where I work at least, teams often work together and people often move teams, as well as the potential to bump into each other. As a compromise, how would you feel about coming out to him and seeng how that goes first? That might reduce some of the pressure that you’re feeling to tell him about your feelings. As an adult it’s hard to make friends and it can be even harder to make LGBT friends. Given how you feel, do you feel that you could remain just friends?
Thank you so much for all your suggestions. Yes, the easiest way is to keep my feeling to myself, but it is also the hardest. Truth is, I am not sure how he feels about me. He has been responsive to me all this time, just that I never felt the kind of enthusiasm I was hoping for. I want to keep my expectation low, so I keep convincing myself he feels nothing of me. Coming out to him sounds like a good idea, but since we never talk anything that personal, it would just be equally awkward. We are not very close as friends, and so if an end of our friendship, while not desirable, means an end to my current misery, I feel I could take it -- but yes, sometimes friendship is the best thing one could have.
Unfortunately, someone being reluctant to hang out is a bad sign if you’re wondering if they might like you back. The fact that you guys work together is another reason to be cautious. Maybe give it more time and see if you can get to know each other a little better. Confessing feelings for someone you don’t know well could be misconstrued as desperate and slightly stalkerish, and that doesn’t sound like a reputation I would want following me around at the work place. Normally when people ask if they should confess their feelings to a friend I say go for it because I think a good friend would be able to handle it even if they don’t feel the same way back. But in your case, I guess I would just ask yourself what you would hope to accomplish by telling him. I totally get the desire to just get all your cards out on the table, but if your goal is to be with him you would be much better served at this point by continuing to get to know him and feeling things out over time. All that to say, good luck, I know how tough it can be when you reeeeeeally like someone.
I just reread your post and it seems you do know him better than I was thinking, but even so, it’s always risky confessing feelings for someone you wouldn’t consider a close friend. I agree with a previous post about telling him you are gay yourself (so long as you are ok with people at work knowing that) and see how he responds.
Thank you all. It looks like the consensus is to not express my thoughts to him (I was drafting a letter in my mind to be honest). I may consider coming out to him. Is there any idea how I might go about doing it without being abrupt and awkward? I can't quite imagine broaching this subject without making him uncomfortable as well (since he would wonder why and he hasn't told me he is gay himself -- I just knew it through the grapevine outside work, and I think he doesn't want people at work to know in general).
The key here is not to force it. Bringing up that you are gay should only happen if you are already in a good free-flowing conversation and you feel comfortable sharing that with him. Your goal for right now should be getting to know him better, and if you find you can’t do that because he is avoidant then maybe that’s a sign to let this one go Just to reiterate, though, I totally understand where you are coming from really liking someone whom you don’t know well. Like I said, the best thing I think to do is to just try to get to know him more and see what happens.
I support first coming out to him; though, it can be tricky if he is not out at work (and sometimes workplace rumors are not all true). You might try to find if he has some public expression on social media (or anything outside work) like speaking out on LGBT issues or using the rainbow flag as a conversation starter. This is a lot less awkward if you're friends first, and if you can't even be friends, then coming out, let alone revealing a crush, could be really disheartening. Also, remember a crush is often more about an idealized image than actual reality, especially if it's someone you don't know well. It's not wrong to have a crush, but your mind often fills in gaps with generalizations and associations.
