Hi guys, I've been a member here on and off for awhile, but I feel the time has come to move to the later in life forum. So a little background about myself, when I was 6 I was in a severe car accident that killed my little brother and a family friend and hospitalized me for 91 days. I grew up with survivors' guilt, depression, and seizures, so dating was the last thing on my mind. Now here I am pushing 37 and I'm starting to question things again. I have had one relationship with a girl that failed drastically, but other than that I seem to be stuck. I do live in an extremely reserved part of the country, so I'm wondering if that could have something to do with my confusion.
The what-ifs on the specifics and wondering what could have been, can be a lot to handle, especially on top of losing your brother! Therapy wasn't a cure all, but it really did help me sort though my grief-related emotions (and honestly even some unrelated emotions). You say you "grew up" with that all, how are you feeling about it now? I'd say living in a reserved/conservative environment where you are experiencing implicit and explicit homophobia could very contribute to denial and conflicting feelings regarding same sex attraction.
mountainman.....I hope that you have not tried to carry the burden of the accident by yourself for all of these years. If you haven't talked to a therapist, please give it serious consideration. I know that I have made serious positive changes as a result of talking to a therapist. There are just some things that we can not "fix" by ourselves. We don't hesitate to go to a doctor if we break a bone but we seem to resist seeing a therapist when we are emotionally or mentally in need of help. Please consider seeing a therapist...I'm sure it will help! .....David
Hey @mountainman, I don't know what you are going through emotionally from direct experience, but I can tell you about a friend of mine who had a similar experience. I met my friend, Bruce, in the military. He had a massive scar around part of his jaw because of a car accident in his early youth (about age 6, like you) which killed his parents. He was from a Catholic family and was adopted into a Mormon family. He is straight and his crisis, in later years, wasn't about sexuality, but, rather, about religion. Perhaps what you are going through isn't directly connected to the personal crisis in your past. Perhaps you are trying to use that crisis to explain a reality that you aren't yet comfortable with accepting for/about yourself. Just my thoughts. QR
Thank you for the replies. I am seeing a grief counselor, and for the first time I feel like it is helping. Quantum, I am curious if you could help me understand what you mean by "explain a reality that you aren't yet comfortable with accepting"?
I have just had one of the worst weeks in years. On the 7th, I got diagnosed with "survivors guilt." So given that, I'm starting to wonder if my whole life up until now has been misleading at best. I never dated, never partied, never did anything "normal," and therefore I feel like I don't know who I am.
I'm sorry this week has been so rough How many appointments have you had? Do you feel like in the broad picture therapy is helping? I remember, some sessions feeling better leaving, and some sessions feeling worse. Just as long as they are being a professional therapist and it's helping you a bit
Tomorrow will be my first session just since being diagnosed. I'm seeing this grief counselor through BetterHelp, so I can leave messages anytime. I think I have left about 20 messages so far. And I think the therapy is definitely helping. I don't feel better yet, but I tapped into some feelings that had been buried for 30 years. I feel like this is just extremely difficult right now.
