Hi to whoever's reading this, I hope you're well! I'm Ash, 24, and Irish. I've identified as bisexual for years and have recently started to embrace that. My attraction to women is too big to ignore. Whereas my attraction to men is basically zero. When I think about being with a woman (sexually) I'm excited and aroused, I want it. When I think about men I feel nothing; I feel bored. When I've come out as/accepted that I'm bisexual I've felt a huge relief. All the worry and stress over am I straight? Am I gay? fades because the internalised biphobia is 'solved'. Now, I don't feel that euphoria. I don't feel it when I say "I'm gay/a lesbian". I do when I say "I'm pansexual" because for some reason that label takes a lot of pressure off. It's very hard to deal with because I'm an obsessive person by nature. I want an answer to my question - what is my sexuality? I'm not attracted to (nor repulsed by) men's bodies; I am very much attracted to women's bodies. But I can notice an attractive man (whether I'm actually attracted to him or just giving into comp het) is really puzzling me. It's like logically, all the signs point to me being gay. But I'm "not ready to give up men" is a thought that's stopping me. Is it attraction, or compulsory heterosexuality? The main reason I've made an account and post is because of biphobia. Years ago a bisexual character came on the show my dad & I were watching. His immediate reaction was "she's greedy". I got upset, he asked me if I'm bi (to which I denied). The same thing, 7 years later, happened tonight. I kept my mouth shut because I knew I'd accidentally out myself. He's really upset me & I hate having to hide this part of myself. He'll never know the person I really am. None of my family will. It's so hard dealing with internalised homophobia and biphobia from myself. But being told that I'm "greedy" after overcoming that thought myself. It's disheartening. I broke up with my ex boyfriend a few months ago, and he assumed I was cheating on him. During a global pandemic, he still thought that me being bi = cheating on him. After telling him how afraid I was to come out, he lied and pretended he was okay with it. I feel so shitty and like I can't trust people; especially not future boyfriends. This turned into word vomit hahaha I'm sorry.
Welcome to EC. I have had several friends who identified as Bisexual and they say the same thing about being called greedy or being told to make up their minds. You are better off without a boyfriend like that. As far as what label is right, just go with what feels right for now. If you decide later that it needs adjustment do so then. For years I did not use a label at all and after a lot of bad experiences with men I started just saying that I was a lesbian (I much prefer looking at women to men). After much other searching I am now going with Panromantic and Demisexual, especially now that I find myself interested in a certain cis man much to my surprise. I firmly believe that labels are just for letting others know a bit about us and that they should not be allowed to define or limit us.
Welcome to EC! It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to adhere to one label or another--and trust me, I get it. Sometimes it makes things so much easier when you have an easy, go-to explanation. Sadly, things are seldom that simple. I can't say for certain whether or not your bi anymore than anyone else can. I think it's something you have to work through on your own. But it's important to note, even if you're not that into men, as long as you still bear some attraction, you can still be considered bi--if that's what you're comfortable with. You mentioned pan being a comfortable fit too, so perhaps it's a matter of figuring out which one feels like it fits you and your attractions best. The fact that it upset you regarding your father, and the way things went with your ex boyfriend... Well, I'm given to wonder if those experiences might have had some adverse effect on your perception of yourself. I can't say for certain, though; just that it's worth thinking on. I'd say you've come to the right place, though. At the very least, there are lots of great people here who can help shed some perspective.
Was your attraction to men always basically zero? When my relationship with my BF didn't go well I wasn't attracted to him or men in general but I was to women. It confused me, I thought I was gay, which I am most certainly not. Things got better, the attraction for men came back. So it's possible that your negative experience with your ex BF still influences your attraction, I think.
