Hi everyone, i'm so glad I found this forum. I think I just need someone to talk to just to ventilate, but a little insight/ support is also highly appreciated I'm a typical Asian daughter in a highly conservative family. My parents expected me to be a good girl, to do what's right and to hace a good future. I did what I was expected and somehow had managed to be well off at my 30++. I was grateful for my parents of how they pushed me in that sense. However, the way that they are so conservative had made my life so difficult in another sense. I had unofficially came out to my mom when I was 13 after having a crush on my classmate, who became my ultra short-lived girlfriend. I got rejected by my mom, who strongly disagreed and convinced my that it was just my rebel teenager phase. I was so young and lacked self confidence so I agreed to hide that part of myself and tried to put my focus on something like having a good grades and building up my future. I always struggled to become "normal" and pretended to be attracted to cute guys like all my friends were. I convinced myself that it's the right thing to do then. However, I could never force myself to be with a guy and kept finding the flaws in all the guys and telling people that I was too busy studying and focusing on my future. At 27 when I was away from my hometown, I met my second gf. She knew that I was in the closet but she was patient with me. When my parents came visit, I had to introduce her as my roommate. I had to fight with the deep-down guilt that I disappoint my parents and that I could never give something more to my gf. We were good for a couple of years but then the strain drove us apart. After that, I knew that relationship is impossible to me and decided to have a celibate life, with a hope that maybe I'm bi and can have a relationship with a guy like my parents wanted me to, unfortunately, that's never became true. I could never talk to anyone, even with my closest friends. All of my friends are straight (how could that be possible!) and seems like lesbian is a rare species in my social circle, so far, only 2 open tomboys that I know of. At my current age, looking at all my friends settling with their lives, having family, kids, etc. I had a strange feeling yearning what my life could possible be. The covid epidemic made me have more free time so I read a lot of lesbian fiction just to get an idea of how the ideal relationship could be since I could never find one out in real life. Many books, especially those from Jae, are not only entertaining but also therapeutics. They changed my perspective in many ways. I can now accept and embrace myself that I like women and can never be with guys. They made me realized that love is the connection between two people regardless of gender, it's universal. Reading about the feelings described in the books also made me want to feel those feelings too. This could never happen if I'm still in the closet. So, coming out seems to be my only option. But how...? Would it affect my career/ social status? How would my friends who are straight treat me afterward? How heartbroken my elderly parents would be? They said coming out is easier if you have someone, but how to find that someone if I'm still in the closet? I gave me a near-panic feeling. Probably I need to find someone to confide to. Again, I'm so glad I found this forum. Feeling better already!
Hi booksmart, Welcome to EC. Parental expectations can be a big issue here in the US too. But from what you describe it sounds like much more placed upon you within your family, where you live. Here in much of the US there are PFLAG chapters - for parents, friends & family to get support and education when they learn their family member/child is LGBTQ. Is there anything there in that area of Asia? Is there any LGBTQ support center or hotline to call?
booksmart.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! Yours sounds like a very traditional family. You can find those kinds of families all over the world, but it seems that it happens quite a lot in Asian families. One of the big hurdles for you is to learn to live your life for yourself rather than for your parents. Of course, your parents want you to be successful and happy, it's just that their vision of what that means is different from what that means to you. At some point, if you truly want to be happy, you're going to have to pull away from what your parents see as your future and make your own future. Are you living with your parents now or are you still away from them? Of course, if you are not living with them it will be easier to start down the road of your own life. If you are still living with them I would suggest that moving out as soon as you can would be a good idea. Ideally, your finances would allow you to be on your own. If that's not possible at this time, then it becomes a goal to work toward. Honestly, you're not going to be able to live the life that you envision unless you can separate yourself from your parents. Since you say that you are 30+ years old, I would think that being on your own is something that you would want to do anyway! As far as coming out goes...you are the only one who can decide when, where, and to whom you can come out. Don't let anything push you into coming out until you are ready to do so. There are some excellent sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that you can use if you decide to tell someone in writing instead of face-to-face. Here is the link: COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php Also, you should consider talking to a therapist or a counselor. If you can find a therapist who lists working with the LGBTQ+ Family as part of their practice, they could be a very big help to you. The therapist that I talk to has helped me tremendously as I have dealt with coming out and learning to accept, learning to love myself as I really am. We're very glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how you are doing...we want to help in any way that we can. .....David
Hi David, thanks a lot for the reply. Unfortunately, I'm living with my parents right now. Not because of financial reason though, I own a condo near my workplace but I decided to stay with my parents a while ago since they are getting old and fragile. (again, typical Asian daughter) I am now accepting myself and feeling no shame of who I am. My next goal is to find a way to stop hiding/ pretending. I'll take your advice and will look into the link and therapists. Thx!
booksmart.....Congrats to you for caring for and sacrificing to help your parents. I'm so glad that you are accepting your sexuality in spite of the difficult situation that you are in. You might check to see if there is an LGBTQ+ support center anywhere near where you live. That could provide a place for you to meet other queer folk and make some friends! Also, centers like that sometimes have therapists or counselors that work with people at the center. Good luck, keep us updated, and remember you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family! .....David
Hi Booksmart I am so tired and falling asleep but wanted to say hello. Although the path ahead looks rather daunting, it is clear from your post that you have a sense of clarity regarding your future. I hope that just writing your feelings down gives you as much relief as it did for me. I hope to send you a better post when I’m not yawning. All the best. Frankie x
Very nicely put! That was the thing that made me finally stop living in denial. For whatever reason, (born that way whatever!) I have romantic and sexual feelings for guys, if I live in denial of that then there is no way I even have a chance at a real romantic relationship. It sounds like common sense but many of us never really just put two and two together
