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Tired of my family not accepting me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Aug 8, 2020.

  1. mlansing

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    I just felt compelled to reach out here because you guys get what I’m going through. I’m tired of my family not accepting me. I’m tired of hearing that I can still be with a woman. I’m tired of trying to reason with them and point out that them saying I can be with a woman is as absurd as me saying they can be with a man (when talking to male relatives, that is).

    I’m tired of them not understanding why it was important for me to come out. I’m tired of doubting myself when I have these conversations with them even though I know I’m gay and I have known since I was a child. I’m tired of my mental health issues (as a direct result of trying to force myself to be straight) not being taken seriously. I’m tired of being made to feel like my struggles aren’t unique and that everyone has their own shit to deal with (which of course is true but when discussed in the context of me being gay is majorly missing the point).

    I’m tired of having to justify my sexuality, something a straight person will never have to do. I’m tired of the casual misogynist, racist, and homophobic language that offends me and that I feel compelled to constantly speak up against. It feels like no matter what I say nothing changed. I’m tired of the toxic masculinity. I am JUST. TIRED.

    In other news, I’m heading back home soon so I will be able to take a break from all of this. Time with family can be great and usually is, but constantly feeling I have to stand up for myself and other people is exhausting.

    Anyone else going through something similar? Feel free to vent with me, and thanks for reading.
     
  2. Ram90

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    It can be tough dealing with family, since most of the time they're people you care about and can't ignore. I stay with my parents who're pretty homophobic and continue to deny my sexuality even after I came out to them multiple times. Nowadays we just ignore it. Is it painful? Yes. But they've stopped talking about my sexuality, and also have stopped referencing marriage, in all its forms. So I guess it's a tiny win. That definitely made my life a bit better, since we have been stuck at home almost 24x7 since March with zero social interaction.

    That said, I'm pretty sure they'll start with the "get-married-to-a-girl" and "give-us-grandchildren" tirade soon enough. They've agreed to wait till 2022/2023 to get me married, so that's something I'm thankful for. And they've agreed to let me go and study in another country, though the current pandemic kinda threw the plans for a toss. So I'm still holding out on that. EC is keeping me sane, ha ha.

    Hang in there!
     
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  3. mlansing

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    Thank you for this. It is always good to keep things in perspective. Although some of my family members may not want this life for me, they know that I’m going to do what I want and there’s nothing they can do or say to stop me. Hang in there as well, and I’m wishing you all the best with your family dynamic.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    The only thing we can do in these circumstances is hold firm and be true to ourselves. It takes time for the reality of the situation to filter in and you will assist that process by remaining calm and steadfast, even in the face of their denial and questioning. What they are going through is the stages of loss/grief, explained here: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/parentfamily-stages-of-grief.php

    It's not nice to be on the receiving end of their confusion and misunderstanding, but if they see you getting upset and frustrated they may take it the wrong way and regard it as a sign of distress and uncertainty about your sexuality.

    It may help to visit the PFLAG website and look at the resources that are available. Could you download some information for members of your family who are struggling to understand? Is there a local PFLAG chapter that your family could make contact with?

    In the meantime keep visiting and talking to us. We are part of your community and you are part of ours. Let's journey together! :hugging:
     
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  5. MarianneC

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    Hey this really resonated with me. Im in the same boat. When i came out all hell broke loose. That was jan 2017 and since then a lot has changed in my mother, little has changed in my father but i have changed the most (not my sexuality ofc). When i was going through the worst of it i became my worst self. Angry, anxious, nervous, insomniac, didnt eat that well, insecure, overthinker and so on. Everything they said to me became my own thoughts about myself; and internalizing all their bull.s was literally ruining me. It was just the beginning of this summer that things switched up. I feel on top of the moon these days. I PROMISE you that in time you WILL be able to ignore what they say and have said, begin to heal the internalized bits, and only consider Your opinion. Thats the only one that matters. As members of lgbt, we often want to personally take on the task of ending homophobia by usually wasting our breath on homophobes. But that can take a toll at some point. If they dont want to see your points, deny and gaslight you and live in their own little world then let them live there. People hate getting their bubbles popped. They might pop it on their own later anyway. So the point is, at some month or year in the future you will reap the only benefit of homphobic abuse: total freedom from care of others opinions. It gets better! Feel free to dm.
     
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  6. QuietPeace

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    I tried getting along with my family. After decades of abuse I decided that no contact was the best policy, I just wish that I had done that right away.
     
  7. mlansing

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    Thank you all for your replies and understanding. I’ve recently distanced myself/stopped responding to a long-time friend (we used to be best friends) for some of the same homophobic issues I’ve been having with my family.

    The thing is, I know I’m not going to cut off my family, which isn’t to say I judge anyone who does. But at the same time, I can’t keep feeling this shitty after my interactions with them. I’m going to have to just be honest and say you know what I’m not telling you how you should feel about this, but we need to find a way to communicate about it that won’t involve me walking away from the conversation feeling frustrated, put down, and not respected.
     
  8. mlansing

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    I like the idea of not caring what my family thinks, but I find it difficult to implement in practice. I really appreciate your kind words. It’s such a relief to feel heard and understood when you feel like you’re all by yourself dealing with it.
     
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  9. MarianneC

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    Yes, it takes years of planting self compassion/care seeds before you reap them. But you will. It might be motivating to know this is one of those big events in your life that will shape your character; at some point you have to decide who you want to be when terrifically unfortunate things happen to us. No worries, Anytime.
     
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  10. mlansing

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    I was just rereading this thread and your statement “If they dont want to see your points, deny and gaslight you and live in their own little world then let them live there” is honestly so powerful because it’s so true and I’m going to make that my mantra moving forward.

    The trouble I have is when they bring the fight to my doorstep when I’m just minding my own business, but I am going to remind myself of this truth again and again in those moments. Thanks again.
     
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  11. MarianneC

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    Man that is just golden. Im glad something clicked! Keep on swimming. Youll see brighter days. Good luck
     
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  12. NextEra333

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    One thing that may work well in this type of situation would be to get off the phone, walk away, and otherwise send a strong message that this type of behavior is driving you away. Unless they're the discarding types, I'd expect that this would get them to either stop going into these "discussions" entirely or be much less intense with it. And if they're actively keeping in touch with you, inviting you to family functions, etc., they probably wouldn't want to actually drive you away with this stuff.

    I had a somewhat similar situation with my family a while back, but the nature of the issue was different and not entirely related to my sexual orientation. Fortunately, after they got the message that their behavior was going to drive me away, they backed off completely. They have not returned to their old issues in several years now, and the overall dynamics feel very different to me nowadays. It seems like they don't feel like it's "their place" to control my decisions anymore.
     
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  13. wvbear

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    I am sort of going through the same thing. I came out when I was 55 after 20 years of marriage.

    My mother was very upset with me - "I can't believe God made you this way." But we continued to try to have a good relationship.

    Then I got the divorce and she got upset again. "mistake"... My brother said that it was dumb of me and i'm going to lose everything. (no I didn't).

    It was strained for a few months - so I finally just asked if she wants to know what's going on in my life and all that. I was with Pete at that time and haven't brought him home. She goes that when I first came out - she prayed that i would straightened out. (praying the gay out of me) and when that didn't work - she prayed she would accept it. And wants me to bring Pete over sometimes.

    So I brought Pete over next time ( BTW - I live in Delaware while my mother lives in Florida). She acted very accepting, et al. I thought she gotten used to it and all is well again.

    So 2 weeks ago, I married Pete on the beach at sunrise. So romantic and very nice! I told Mom - then i posted my wedding pictures on facebook to loads of congratulations, et al. No negativity. So I've been calling her the past week to no answer and she doesn't return my calls. So we're basically back to this cold shoulder, et al. Getting shunned sucks.

    And that is where i'm at. Sigh.... Thanks for listening/reading my long post. I'm all good - I'm with Pete who is my family.

    Stay proud and out! Mike
     
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  14. Lucy Marie

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    Good for you!!! It can be the most difficult thing to have to distance yourself from your family (FYI—been kicked out twice for other issues) (but that person passed away) so I relate to that. Here’s where I put on my Mom hat...family is what you make of it. You need not to share blood to be family and vice versa. Take a moment (journaling is beneficial) and determine who is the family of your heart? Talk with them, let them lift you up, etc. It is so powerful to have family who does not “have” to love you.
    Keep your chin up, okay?
    ((momhugs))
     
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