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I am ready to accept who I am but who am I?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Findmepls, Sep 26, 2020.

  1. Findmepls

    Findmepls New Member

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    I am sure I am at least bi, I am a crossdresser, I have thought about transitioning but at my age by the time I get things figured out that would be pointless. Maybe just having the surgery to remove the small appendage so I was not reminded of the fact I was born male and was never comfortable with that. I fantasized before puberty, not really knowing what I was doing , about being bi/gay and being the "bottom" .(Because of this I have always wondered if my sperm donor of a father had molested me. I have no proof only suspicions plus I know he molested my sister's.) I also started crossdressing at this time also.
    I had a few ok experiences experimenting with same sex play but they didn't amount to anything. My desire did not waiver just kept things hidden after that.
    I have only been able to satisfy a female orally not any other way. I don't know if I could satisfy a man my limited experiences lacked satisfaction. My ex never really enjoyed sex maybe it was just with me, she had made mention several times how big her ex was.
    I think I would rather live as a female but I don't know which type of relationship or sexuality I prefer.
    I don't even know if I want a relationship maybe a friend but I don't know . I have no friends or family(basically estranged for about 30 years) I have failed every relationship I ever had. I am a complete selfish mess and a friend may be what I need but I am at a very selfish point and don't think I would make a good friend
     
  2. Findmepls

    Findmepls New Member

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    I don't know if I am male or female or some weird thing in between. It doesn't matter I just want to know the real me so I can tell myself that I accept who I am.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I have known of people who transitioned in their 70s, so long as you are breathing it is not too late to make changes in your life. Transition is not magic, it will not fix your problems with being selfish or not being able to relate to people. It sounds as if you should work on those things in therapy, you would need therapy to transition anyway. While in therapy working on the other issues you can also bring up the gender issues.

    Also, being nonbinary might be unusual to those of us raised that both gender and sex are binary but it is best to not think of it as "weird". Rather it is just another way of experiencing gender. Sex is not a binary (there are intersex people), why should we insist that gender is?
     
    #3 QuietPeace, Sep 26, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2020
  4. Findmepls

    Findmepls New Member

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    Thank you for your insight.
    I should clarify a little , I have dealt with severe depression and severe social anxiety most of my life. Before puberty by several years.I have had therapy and prescriptions and hospital stays. Nothing has ever helped. I hid everything very deep inside of me and I actually taught myself how to pretend I was ok/normal. I struggled with the people issues but I survived.Last fall I had a complete breakdown...by complete I mean I quit a good job threw away a lot of my stuff shredded all my Identification papers and destroyed everything that even hinted at my other self. I tried numerous times to kill myself and like the rest of my life I failed to succeed. I had no job no money no insurance and no future so I checked myself into a hospital for help.This is now on the government's dime. With my breakdown and finally faced with dealing with everything I actually thought I was going to get the help I needed at least get me headed in the right direction. I was wrong everything was based on group therapy and with my severe social anxiety and being at the lowest point I had been in a long time I couldn't join groups I could barely get myself to go out and eat. So because I didn't participate in group I was released with no assistance or guidance.
    I then after a few days tried to get some assistance with meds and some therapy financial etc. The doctor refused to ok my not working due to my issues and assistance was denied. I know and I want help but I have a real bitter taste for therapy right now. I was never selfish about listening and trying to understand everybody else's issues. I tried to be a good listener. But right now the past several months I have been trying to figure things out mainly on my own . I am wound up so tight trying to deal with everything in my head plus I had to take a job in retail dealing with people for most of my shift. Great for the anxiety. I have become selfish with my concern and have a hard enough time dealing with myself much less other people's issues.That is wrong but I can't help it. If transitioning does prove to be in my future then I will have to do therapy for that .
    You are bringing up terms I am unfamiliar with, nonbinary, intersex.
    I have heard of them but I not sure how they relate to gender.
    I apologize for the long response but once I started I thought that I should tell all of this.
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    First vocabulary.

    Binary means two states, as in male and female. A nonbinary gender is any other option than simply male or female and there are many, here is a resource that may help with that. In many societies historically they admit to more than two genders.
    https://gender.wikia.org/wiki/Non-binary

    To be Intersex (the new terminology is DSD or Disorder/Difference of Sex Development) means to be born with biological differences that make you not stereotypically biologically male or female. There are many conditions, some are diagnosed at birth while others may not be noticed until very late in life, even into the seventh decade in one case that I have heard of. Here are two resources
    https://ihra.org.au/
    https://isna.org/

    As far as exploring your gender, you are going to need to get your life at least a little bit together first. Transition is expensive, especially so in the USA. Much of what is required is not covered by insurance even if you have insurance. If you cannot get treatment locally in any other way you can try NAMI
    https://www.nami.org/Home
     
  6. Findmepls

    Findmepls New Member

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    Thank you again and I will not ramble this time.