what did it feel like when you first realized you were trans gender?

Elated...and terrified.

It was like being struck by a thunderbolt; as if a switch in my head had been thrown from male to female. Suddenly a whole load of things in my life made sense, at last.

Beth

 

I agree about life making sense. I've called it my M Night Shyamalan moment, where I could see my previous world view as a tangle of rationalizations and all the dots connected cleanly by themselves. I'm nonbinary, and early on I remember talking with a trans guy who (sympathetically) said, "Well, at least I know who I am." At this point I'm kind of less concerned about my specific identity, and I'm more concerned with simply allowing myself to exist as the person that I am. In a way it's just one more relationship.

Everyone tries on different identities as they live, and being transgender means that there's a whole lot more variation about who you may be or how you want to present yourself. Play around and keep what you want or what you need.

 

Well, first I was like: "oh wait.... I don't want to be a boy........ but I don't have a choice............. oh...................."

And then I was like: "OMG YES I CAN DO THIS I'M NOT CRAZY...... OMG WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!"

So I nothing.
But I'm doing stuff now!

 

I was sitting in the bar for karaoke between sets(Ironic, Alanis Morissette and Criminal, Fiona Apple), in “Girl Mode” when I had my moment of “this is me”. And I know that time is really the only way for alcohol to leave the system, but I suddenly felt more clearheaded than I had in several months.
I immediately asked if a friend was coming, because I had something important to tell him. His immediate thought was “oh crap, she’s going to jail and needs the bail money.” (Yes, he was already using she/her pronouns for me even before my transition) and then I panicked because I realized I needed to let work know. So I sent them an email, wanting to set up a meeting to “discuss a major life change” with them—they figured out what it was themselves.
But I’m rambling, it felt amazing when I had my “this is me” moment

 

For me it was not a sudden realization that I am not what the doctor said I am. I knew that I was really a girl as far back as I can remember. I had been fighting living as my true self for years because when I was around 4 or 5 I tried to tell my mom and that was a disaster which shoved me way in the closet for years. At 23 for Halloween I dressed up (pretty stereotypical right there). At that point it flashed, I cannot NOT do this, this is me! I came out to a friend, he helped me find a therapist who I saw for several months and within a few months I was on hormones and only a couple months later I was living full time.

 

Total joy and relief. I spent decades I internally tearing myself apart because my thoughts, needs and feelings didn't match anything I knew about. I felt free.

 

It was a gradual path for me and I am currently wrestling with what transitioning means for me. What I know, however, is that when I admitted to myself the need to transition my world began to make sense in a way it never had previously. Today I got the cutest pair of pink short-shorts for lounging around and it brought me a moment of such joy. Such a small, silly thing but an affirming moment nonetheless and only possible because I was open to a simple desire that would not have been possible in my man mode.