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WLW Relationship and sex advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Nopeace, Sep 21, 2020.

  1. Nopeace

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    I've been in a relationship with a woman for a year. Very early on, a few weeks into the relationship, I expressed worry that sex may become one-sided (with her on the receiving end) and shared that I had been in a similar dynamic in the past that left me often feeling unworthy of pleasure. She was understanding and expressed that she wanted to bring me pleasure also.

    A few months into the relationship she still hadn't attempted giving me oral and was almost exclusively on the receiving end of sex. I brought this up and asked her if she thinks she'd want to ever try going down on me. She said she would but was nervous she wouldn't be good at it.

    A couple months later I brought it up again. This time she shared that she had some past trauma linked to this sex act, but with a cis man. I was understanding and supportive, but also greived (and felt enraged that a man had made his way into my sex life). It is unclear whether she will ever feel comfortable giving oral and I feel that it must be her initiating at this point.

    I've been feeling resentful. Partly because I know that this wasn't a problem with her most recent ex boyfriend (even though he's a cis man like her past perpetrator). It feels unfair that she would be feeling triggered now with a cis woman. She had been trying to give me pleasure in general more often over the months, but it still seems like I'm left for last/not prioritized.

    The most sexually satisfying thing for me is to receive oral because I am given permission to completely relax and receive--something that doesn't happen often as I have always been the more giving sexual partner.

    So íts now been a year and I brought it up again recently, but leaving out the bit about oral. My partner has been acting really down and self-defeated. She also had a recent opportunity to initiate and didn't, confirming my own insecure thoughts and beliefs of unworthiness.

    Sex is really good and compatible when it's focussed on her, or mutually focussed, so it's not all bad, but I don't know how to beat the thought that she doesn't desire me or find me sexually attractive, but simply likes me for my performance.

    I would appreciate any insight, especially from those who have been in similar situations.
     
  2. Aspen

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    Let me start with your partner for a second. You’ve mentioned that oral is the most important to you when you’re receiving and that she has expressed nerves and past trauma around that. Is it possible that she’s feeling a lot of pressure to perform and that’s making it even harder for her to initiate? It sounds like she has a lot of complicated feelings around oral and it’s possible that she feels that as long as she avoids it, then she can’t disappoint you. Is she experiencing stress in other areas of her life? Does she have a lower sex drive in general? Is it possible that there are other factors involved besides her attraction to you?

    It’s not unfair that she suffered trauma in the past with a cis man and that’s carrying over into her relationship with a cis woman. That’s normal. Trauma isn’t logical. This is a rather extreme example, but if a soldier suffered trauma in a war, would you think it was unfair for them to be triggered by fireworks when they return home, just because they’re not overseas anymore? This is true even if you don’t believe it was an issue with her ex-boyfriend.

    I know that oral is important to you, but are there other things that she could be doing? Could you propose a night that’s just focused on you, but without oral? Maybe even without sex, like a sensual massage. Something that she can do for you but without the loaded question of oral sex.

    My wife is sex-repulsed which, in her case, means any sexual contact makes her nauseous. I have a fairly high sex drive but I’m okay with the fact that we may never have sex because I don’t want to ask her to do anything that would make her uncomfortable. I know it has nothing to do with how attractive she finds me and everything to do with her feelings toward sex. The most important thing is to communicate and to listen. It’s possible that your partner may never be comfortable with oral, whether it’s because of her own insecurities, her past trauma, or the fact that she just doesn’t like it. You can decide whether or not you’re okay with that but you can’t require her to do something she’s not comfortable with, especially if that was the root cause of her trauma.
     
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  3. Nopeace

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    I think you're right about her feeling pressure and that making it harder for her to initiate. There are other things she can be doing and does sometimes, but I often feel like she's not into it, or is doing it out of obligation --maybe because this is after she has already cum... If I feel that she is not 100% into something then I can't enjoy it either and get all stuck in my head, which is often the case (with any type of sex focused on me). I just want her to want me, you know? She does have a lower sex drive than me, but quickly finds it and is down for sex when I initiate things and when I'm the "giving" partner which is something I don't quite understand.

    You're also right about trauma. I know it's not logical. I guess I find myself doubting whether that's the actual reason since I'm unsure if she can actually know whether it will trigger her without trying it. Regardless, although this is important to me, I am no longer bringing it up. I guess I'm at the point of deciding if this, and feeling desired in general, is something I can do without.

    I think we're stuck in this cycle of highlighting each other's insecurities. I feel like the sexual role she likes me in is a more masculine role which brings up a lot of my insecurities and internalized homophobia. But when I bring this up to her, she feels like I'm invalidating her queerness or not believing that she's queer.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I know I can challenge a lot of my pessimistic and "worst-case" thinking. I hope we can make it past this :frowning2:
     
  4. ChristelSa

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    Sex is an important part of a physical relationship for most people.
    I fear you will not be able to sort this out yourselves and it will ultimately lead to the end of your relation.
    You've already indicated that talking about it only worsens the problem.
    If breaking up is not your goal then seek out professional help.
     
  5. Nopeace

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    Do you have any suggestions for affordable and accessible queer friendly trauma informed therapists or relationship counsellors? Something online or remote would be ideal
     
  6. Aspen

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    I'd recommend checking online and looking at therapists that focus in LGBT clients, relationship counseling, and/or trauma. It might take you some time to find a professional that you click with and that's okay. In my experience, there are more online and remote options now than usual because many offices are suspending in-person treatment due to the pandemic.
     
  7. Lin1

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    As a sexual assault survivor who has dated fellow women with past sexual trauma, trauma really isn’t logical and it’s can be very complicated to navigate sex and trauma.

    I think it is super important to detach sex acts from attraction/love. Sex acts don’t define whether someone is sexually attracted to you or not, one can give oral to anyone (willingly or unwillingly) and that doesn’t mean they are into the person or find them attractive. So your girlfriend giving you oral wouldn’t necessarily mean she is any more into you than she is now.

    Sex-related trauma is complex and deep-rooted, it’s not logical and it’s very often composed of multiple triggers than can come and go anytime. It’s been over a decade since my first sexual assault age 12 and my sex life is STILL impacted by it, not to the extent it was years ago but there is no knowing when or how I am gonna be triggered and my triggers are not necessarily the same or logical. My ex also had triggers due to her own trauma and our ways of coping where different so we had to learn to adjust to each other’s triggers and needs and while it was hard at time it definitely was bonding.

    You can’t compare experiences though. The fact that her trauma was with men (as was most of mine) doesn’t mean that it can’t be triggered by women. I am less triggered by women by default but I am also more relaxed around them and because I feel safer I feel like I can be open about my triggers and like I can “indulge” in not forcing myself to perform certain act. So while your girlfriend might have given oral to her former ex-boyfriend and you perceive it as weird that she could with him but not you, think that maybe it’s because she felt pressured to do it with him because when you have an experience of sexual assault you tend to want to “give in” rather than take the risk of being sexually assaulted again. You stop trusting that men will listen to you when you say no and often you indulge in their desire to avoid potentially having to survive rape again.
    The fact that she was having oral sex with him didn’t mean that she was “doing it no problem”.
    I have consented to a lot of acts with men that I didn’t actually want to do so I wouldn’t get raped (at least it was my thinking) because saying yes to it and doing it in a way that felt like I had agreed to it was easier than saying no and running the risk they would force it anyway which would just add further trauma.

    The fact that she feels comfortable enough saying no to you, while it might hurt, is proof that she TRUSTS that you will listen and that she can safely say no and if you aren’t a rape survivor you cannot possibly grasp how huge that is, but it is genuinely a massive deal.

    I think the focus shouldn’t be on a specific act. Oral shouldn’t be the only thing where you feel you matter and can relax. And putting so much pressure on an act is bound to lead to in satisfaction. I think what you seem to crave is feel wanted. Maybe start a routine where once a month each of you is in charge of organizing a special date night for the other, the pressure isn’t/shouldn’t be in having sex but in making the other feel special and building the mood that way, have it involve things that make you connect and get to know each other deeper.

    Maybe also talk to her about what it is about oral sex that you miss. More often than not when you miss something it’s mostly the things that surrounded it and what that means to you, which are often sensations and feeling that can be reproduced doing something else and hearing what’s missing for you might give her a better idea of how to remedy that without the emphasis being on the sex.

    Ps: as for “I feel she won’t know until she tries it” that’s NOT how triggers work. Sometimes the thought of an act triggers me. I was chocked during my sexual assault and sometimes I go to the hair dresser and when the hair dresser put the thing around my neck before cutting my hair I have to inwardly take deep breathe because I know I will feel it around my neck and I have to struggle not to reap it off. And it obviously have nothing to do with what happened yet it recreates a sensation I had during the act and that’s enough to really trigger me. It doesn’t mean that I can’t reproduce any act that happened to me during my assault but it means it need to be on my terms. If I feel pressured to do it only adds trauma linked to that sex act.

    Any pressure surrounding sex really kills it for me. Nowadays my triggers are minimal so my sex life is pretty much unimpacted with girls but any girl pressuring me to perform any sex act would be a massive no-no, regardless of feelings and attraction a casual “ I would love to try that, I think it could be fun.” Is fine a “ whenever you don’t give me oral I think you don’t love me/aren’t attracted to me.” Would NOT be as I find it highly manipulative and cohersive.

    I think in sex unfortunately there isn’t much compromise to be had and the one who wants it the least should always have the last word. Now it doesn’t mean you have to stay in a situation you are unhappy in but it might simply mean that breaking up if you can’t talk it through and find a solution might simply be the solution. Good luck.
     
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  8. Nopeace

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    This was very helpful and reassuring. I feel reassured that this is likely indeed trauma and has nothing to do with me or her wanting me. I'm also feeling thankful that I haven't said some of the manipulative and coercive things you've mentioned. I also think you've given some helpful advice -- to focus on what I miss about a specific experience and seeing if that can be recreated in another way. Thanks for sharing your experience