1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Gay men realising they are attracted to women

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Whywhy123, Sep 9, 2020.

  1. Whywhy123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2020
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I was wondering how often it happens that a gay guy later in life realises that he is attracted to women?

    I have heard a lot of stories about women who first considered themselves lesbian, and then they were almost 100% about men. Not sure if that's a common thing either but you often hear people telling such stories, while gay men realising they're bi and more attracted to women isn't that heard of
     
  2. Andrew7

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2020
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    Canterbury, NZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    An interesting question. Some people on here have wondered if they're Bi or Gay, so I'd imagine it's possible to determine that you have an attraction towards the same sex before determining you have an attraction towards the opposite sex. (Maybe all those stories I'm thinking of were from females though, now that I think about it :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)

    I'm guessing people not realizing that they have an attraction towards the opposite sex happens less than the inverse, due to the straightness not being restrained by concepts like homophobia, making it much easier to embrace (if the person is capable of same sex attraction) without abnormal amounts of anxiety and what not.

    The majority of the time, my sexual thoughts are directed towards guys, so in different world I might have discovered woman later, but since same sex attraction is such a "default" it makes you consider it early on, before you even develop sexual feelings. (At least in my experience)
     
  3. RD Spencer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2020
    Messages:
    189
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    Western Wa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Among the member of this and other websites as well there seems to be a lot of different experiences in realizing their sexuality.


    As a young teenage I originally thought that I was gay, then within a year or two settled on somewhere in the middle. My sexual desires and attractions have always gone in both directions. For me it was the misunderstanding of the exact meaning of the label “gay”. At first I thought that any same sex attraction or desires meant that a person was completely gay. As I learned more about sexuality, I came to the realization that generally for the most part, gay men were only into other men and that straight men were only into women. From this I figured I must be somewhere in the middle.


    It does sound like not noticing or even blocking out attractions and desires is very common though.
     
  4. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,425
    Likes Received:
    110
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've heard of men who have lived as gay men later on "realize" they're actually bisexual

    Its totally possible they simply "lean gay" which would have made it easier
     
    Tightrope likes this.
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's pretty rare from everything I've seen for men, a bit less so for women.

    One reason that is theorized (but not confirmed) why it's a more common for women is that statistically, more women than men experience sexual trauma (about 1 in 3 vs. about 1 in 5 for men), and it tends to affect women and men differently. So there are at least some cases of women who are traumatized by men, and thus don't feel safe around men, but are able to find connection with and attraction to women. If they later work through the trauma, then they are more able to feel comfort being around men. (This is also a big part of the reason why the religious conversion therapy quacks can claim some level of success; the people they succeed with are the small percentage who weren't actually gay or lesbian in the first place, but trauma influenced their comfort level of being with the opposite sex.)

    There are also people -- and this seems to be becoming more common with younger generations -- who are less attached to the "parts" and more attached to the personality and energy of the person, hence more comfort dating trans people, people of the same or opposite sex, and realizing that sexual experiences can be enjoyable with someone you connect with.

    But on the whole, sexual orientation, as near as we can tell, appears pretty stable over time. It may take you some time to figure out if you aren't straight, for example, but you don't "become gay" when you figure out aren't straight; you just let go of the denial. And so whatever you are... you are, whether gay, straight or bi.
     
    Lek, Tightrope and Andrew7 like this.
  6. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I have had some gay and lesbian friends tell me that for whatever reason a person or two of the opposite sex really got them going. These situations would be slightly off one end of the Kinsey scale. There are situations like that of Chirlane McCray who married New York mayor Bill De Blasio. They're not common, but they seem to exist.
     
    gravechild, Chip and Nickw like this.
  7. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    173
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There is another reason why it's more common for women. Not only men but also women have a woman as their first love object. Info in my own words out of "Love in a time of loneliness" by Paul Verhaeghe (psychologist and psychoanalyst, page 48 and 49). It's very well explained in the book that you can read for free on the internet. Made me feel like I'm not an exception at all, more like really self-aware lol.
     
  8. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well. I “hooked up” with a guy a couple years back. We fooled around, but didn’t kiss. He was sorta out but not completely. He identified as gay to me. We keep in touch. He has a serious relationship with a woman now. I assume he discovered he was, actually, bisexual. It’s not like he is a kid...over 50. But, hadn’t really been interested in women...until this woman.

    I think this is uncommon. But, it can happen to a bisexual I suppose. In my own experience, I noticed guys as a young man more than women. But, once I was intimate with a woman, it changed me. I started noticing them more. Eventually, I married a woman.

    Was this fulfilling societal expectations or was it really that my attractions evolved because of life experiences? I, honestly, don’t know. I do know that it is easier to be in a relationship with a woman...because it’s expected. Maybe some bisexuals do what I did and take the easiest way?
     
  9. Whywhy123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2020
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wdym? Most women I know had a man as their first love. Yes, girl crushes do happen, but not to the point of wanting to enter a relationship with them
     
  10. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    173
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @JustAskin I meant their mother... Our first love object is our mother.
     
  11. Spatula

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2012
    Messages:
    854
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It happens. We get them in bisexual forums that I'm on. Maybe about 1/8th as common as ones coming from the straight direction, but that's still a pretty decent number of people.