1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

New on the block..

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by DomLezStud, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. DomLezStud

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2020
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Frederick,MD
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey everyone,

    My name is Jay... I have been a lesbian my entire life. Unfortunately, My grandpa and stepfather are pastors. I grew up in a very strict Christian household. When I was younger I was always attracted to pretty girls. I was raised that this behavior was wrong, so I never said anything. When I was 14 I was supposed to go on a Christian camp out with the other kids at my church, but it rained. So we had a campout in the fellowship hall with tents and stove cooked smores. I couldn't sleep and found myself wandering the halls, that's when my friend Brandy yelled "Boo!" at me because she couldn't sleep either. Long story short, she was the pastor's daughter and it was my first female experience...I was shocked... I didn't burst into flames and realized... I really do like girls, not boys.

    So when I was older I moved away from my family, fell in love with a girl, and felt like myself for once. After we had been living together for almost 7 years, I asked her to marry me and she said, Yes. Now I realize I have to tell my family the same way she had to tell hers. Neither of us expected it to go as bad as it did. Her family disowned her and my mom had a heart attack. We moved back to my hometown which was a huge mistake.

    My family called for intervention with a pastor and even threw holy water on me, as well as tried getting me admitted to a mental hospital. Obviously I am an adult and being gay isn't a mental illness so the hospital somewhat laughed at them. They continued putting a wedge between me and my now ex... It worked. She left to go back home, 1600 miles away from me, and my crazy family.

    My kids had to watch me being emotionally and mentally tormented and I finally caved 2 years ago and married a man from my Stepdads church. He moved us from the midwest to the east coast where he is originally from. I have no friends here and nobody to talk to. I am so miserable I can barely breathe.

    I developed high anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and have frequent panic attacks, as well as suicidal thoughts. All of which I am on medication for. I am made to dress girly and go to church and be a submissive wife. I look in the mirror and I don't even see myself anymore.
    I feel about as comfortable as a straight man being forced to wear a dress and make-up, on the arm of his wife out antiquing. Or at least that is what I feel my feelings are similar to. This Just isn't ME. My kids can see I am not happy.

    So my daughter who is 13 and smart, came up with a plan. Saving money in an account he doesn't know about and leaving soon as we have enough to just go... far away from him and my family. That sounds childish to me though, but I am fearing it is my only way...He is very controlling and 100% narcissistic.
    I am not allowed to touch the money in our joint account without permission or I get scolded like a child.
    I make all the money, and I have been the only one that works, and I can't even spend $5 without asking. I would never treat anyone that way so I don't understand why I am being treated that way.

    I just want to go,...somewhere I can just be me, and breathe...
     
  2. PrideOwl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.A.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi, my name is Sarah K.M (just being a little anonymous), I feel sorry for you. I know it's hard for you and your family.
    It has been hard for me living in Georgia, U.S.A.
    Hope you and family are staying safe.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi @DomLezStud and welcome to EC.

    I’m sorry to hear about your past and current experiences. My (male) ex was emotionally abusive, which is hard in itself, but made harder by having to pretend to be somebody that you’re not, so I have some idea of what you’re going through. I hope you find support at EC, as well as somewhere that you can be yourself.

    Welcome to EC too, @PrideOwl. Just to note, you can’t post anything that could be used to identify you anywhere in the public areas of the forum (i.e. threads, profile messages, blogs, etc.), so anonymous is the way to go. :slight_smile: I hope you enjoy being a part of our community!
     
  4. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,154
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello and welcome.

    Your story is very familiar. I hope that you can manage to get out of that abusive situation sooner rather than later. My advice to my younger self and to you now is that once you are out that you cut everyone who refuses to accept who you are entirely out of your life wherever possible.
     
  5. mellissa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2020
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It is not at all childish to want to leave this man and this life. Many have had to do it before and found leaving to be the best option for them and their families. Please stay strong. I know that is easier said than done, but I beg you to stay strong for yourself and your children. Your daughter sounds like a very intelligent and brave girl and she is lucky to have such a strong mother.

    If you are the one making the money, then you have EVERY RIGHT to do with YOUR money what YOU wish. Your husband has no right to control the money that YOU make. I capitalize these words because I want you to see that you have the control, not him. He just uses tactics to make you think that you are powerless, but in reality you are in the stronger position.
    My suggestion is that before leaving, you ensure that there is a place to live (apartment, house, hotel, motel, etc) and that you can pay for it. Ensure that wherever you are going, you can find work or maybe even keep your old job. As for your children, it can get tricky. If you had kids with him, then you might have to prepare for a custody battle.

    If you don't want to leave, then you need to put your foot down and tell the Mr. that you will not be treated like a child anymore. If you are the one working, then you have the sole power of the family finances, he has no right to disrespect you like this.
    I wish you the very best of luck and remember that we at EC are here for you and want to listen.
     
  6. PrideOwl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.A.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for your compliment. I will be remaining anonymous for a while in the coming end months of this year and maybe next year.