I need to come out but I can't find the words

I'm 39 and married with 2 lovely kids who are 4 and 7. I do not love my husband any more, I'm not sure I ever did, and now I don't even like him. He has mental and physical health problems which makes leaving him very difficult and I feel utterly trapped. I've known I had feelings for women since I was about 13 but for various reasons I felt I had to bury them to survive, so I did, and in almost all parts of my life I thrived. Until she walked in and my heart jumped out my throat. This was 2 years ago now but I can still feel it. There is just something between us, I've never felt chemistry like it. I know she feels something too but I also know nothing will ever happen with her. We flirt with each other but every time she does it I sense her shame. She is not someone I can be with but my God do I want her. I'm almost a bit obsessed, but my thoughts of her just feel so good.
The thing is I feel like I can't live with the lie any more. I've tried to tell a couple of people but the words just get stuck in my throat. How do you say the words? I know I need to move on with my life but I just cannot get the words out but I feel like they're screaming in my head. How have you found the words, to tell anybody, do you have any advice?

 

Thanks for your reply. It's always helpful to hear other people's stories. I'm lucky really as I have some really good friends I feel I can trust, I think it's more me that will freak out than them tbh.

 

That's great that you came out to a friend. I think it would be easier to come out to a LGBT friend but I also think it would be easier to come out to a close friend and although I have LGBT acquaintances my closest friends are all straight.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and for the warm welcome. I have tried writing it down. It somehow feels too impersonal to me. I was on the way to a friend a couple of weeks ago and had my phone or to text her the words but bottled or at the last minute at just said I'd be round soon. I feel of everyone this friend would be the best person to tell. She's an older lady but very open minded. I have no doubt she would be accepting. I think it's me that's the block. I do need to look into therapy though, I think you're right

 

Than you for your reply. I do feel suffocated you're right, not helped any by covid and the dependent nature of my husband. The house feels like a prison sometimes tbh.
Yes, therapy sounds like a good idea although goodness knows how I'd get there privacy for it as it's all online now. Hubby rarely leaves me alone for now than a few minutes.

 

And you did tell your friend. Yay. That's all I want to say 'i'm gay', nothing complicated or earth shattering really but oh dear god is it hard to say and oh how it's hard to get into a conversation. About twice a year some random person will ask if I am though. I obviously give off some sort of vibe. Of course since November when I became sure of my feelings noone has. I like to think if it happens again I could at least day 'yes'

 

Thanks for your reply. I can actually say it to myself in the mirror no problem at all now. I used to struggle but I'm mainly self accepting inside now. It's hard to get privacy my husband is very clingy and never leaves the house, he's also very paranoid and jealous but about all the wrong things. I need to be honest with him really but he had no friends and no family support so I'm very worried about him. I don't know if he'd actually respect my privacy of I told him I was having therapy tbh but I think it would be worth exploring.

 

Having a tough time today. Just feel like I can't hold this in much longer at all. I can't help but sometimes think that I don't deserve any of the good things in my life because of this lie in the middle of it, like it somehow outweighs all the things I love and have built. I'm trying to be the strong person that people expect me to be but it's like the pressure of it is just getting to me. I had someone tell me that I impressed than and they looked up to me again today. I know it's a compliment but I feel like screaming out 'but I'm a liar'. Is that what my turning point is the shame of the lie feels greater than the destruction admitting to it will undeniably bring? Sorry rambling on a bit, just annoyed at myself.

 

Yeah it definitely changes how I feel about it all. When i have the time to and let myself indulge in my fantasies about what being with a woman would be like I feel so alive and happy and full of joy.
Other times I'm just overwhelmed by the enormity of what I have to do to have the kind of relationship I want and guilt over the woman I struggle to get out my head. She's the first woman I've ever let myself truly explore my feelings for. While I've had crushes before she just bowled me over. But she's just wonderful and I can't help but feel guilty about the non pg nature of my feelings for her. She does flirt with me a bit which makes it all worse. Back in November she told me that we needed to not spend as much time together as it wouldnt do either of us any good and she didn't want to break her boundaries. It knocked my sideways because she was admitting it wasn't just in my head whilst pushing me back but having to see her again now kills me but neither of us have been that good at keeping apart. It will never happen though, she really does love her husband so I need to accept it. Was there anyone who helped you come to your realisation?
Feel free to hijack me all you like. I like talking to you. Its nice to think I'm not the only one with these kind of feelings even if you are at the other end of the country.

 

Thanks. I don't want to stay. I wouldn't even if I was straight. My husband is dependent on me and an incredibly negative person. He chooses misery over and over again and then tries to get me to join him. It's a very unhealthy relationship, for me to stay healthy I need to leave. I'm pretty familiar with my options re housing etc (former housing officer). My major concern is that I doubt he will accept it or be willing to leave the house. (he's only left the house 3 times in the last 6 months).
I think my next step had to be come out to someone and then to try and find a way to start therapy. I need to build myself up to get the courage to leave. It does feel like kicking a puppy, he tries so hard to make me feel sorry for him every day and I guess on some level it works.