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Breaking out of my social anxiety and finding my real self

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by MRMitch, Jul 23, 2020.

  1. MRMitch

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    Hi

    I’ve not been on here in a while, and even when I was on here, I was kinda nervous about posting.

    Basically, I suffer from social anxiety disorder.

    I’ve always been a quiet person and found it difficult to socialize, but in recent months my issues have gotten worse, and led to depression.

    I’ve been receiving help for it through CBT therapy, and I’m trying to effectively use the tools I’ve been given by my therapist, but I’m finding it difficult, and there’s still things I’ve not been honest about to anyone regarding my sexuality.

    I feel stuck in the sense that, I wanna put myself out there, be more social and be the true me, but I don’t really know who that person is yet, and I’m also fearful of how I’ll be perceived and the judgement, rejection etc that comes along with it, and that’s led to me shutting myself away.

    You’ve got to start somewhere, so I thought I would come on here and post something about my circumstances, and try and make friends and chat to people who I have things in common with.

    I’ve seen similar posts, so I thought I would post about my situation, and also see if anyone else has or is going through the same journey of finding their real self, but has had difficulty along the way.

    Hopefully what I’ve written makes sense

    Thanks guys
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I am curious, does your therapist know about your sexuality? Vulnerability is a powerful tool to help us build confidence and self respect. The struggle is getting to the point of making ourselves vulnerable. Its a scary thought, and may be perceived even scarier to actually do. But if you take baby steps and learn to open up one step at time, you might find a strategy to live your truth and break free from the shackles which may be attributing to your social anxiety disorder.
     
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  3. MRMitch

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    Hi, no I haven't told my therapist, I thought it was something I could deal with myself once I had sorted my social anxiety, which sounds stupid I know, because how is he supposed to help me without knowing what my issues are. I've never told anyone about my sexuality before, and until recently I've always put it in the back of my mind and told myself that I need to work on my issues, be more comfortable in myself and then I'll address my sexuality, but that's probably just a safety behaviour I've got which I need to drop. its like you said I've just got to take baby steps.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    You may want to reconsider the order in which you addressing things. If your not living your truth, that has the prospect of potentially creating the circumstances leading to your social anxiety. You may want to consider talking to your therapist about it. If you don't trust your therapist, consider another one where you are comfortable speaking. The goal with any therapist is to be completely transparent, that ensures you get the best out of your sessions.
     
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  5. lonelygray

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    Hey! It's ok that you're having these difficulties and I understand the pain of them. I'm new here and trying to chat as well. Just know that even though you may not know anyone here personally, everyone here is proud of you. If you're not sure about who you truly are yet, don't force yourself out, and things may be frustrating but with time things can become clearer than they were before. Someday you may look/think back to this post and seen how far you've come since in the next week, month, year, maybe 10 years. Just know you don't need to rush and put more stress on yourself than there already is. Try telling your therapist that you're gay and they may be able to help your situation a bit more, it's worth a shot especially concerning mental health. Hope you find yourself and that your social anxiety and depression start to become easier :slight_smile:
     
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  6. MRMitch

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    Been trying to push myself to be more sociable, and put myself in uncomfortable situations, as the more you do the things that make you uncomfortable the easier it gets, but its a struggle, and I usually find myself slipping into back into my old ways. I'm trying to get out of that habit, but I never know what to do or how to act or what to say.

    I never really thought that my sexuality would be a contributing factor until recently, but I know that I need to break that barrier and be honest with at least someone. Its been good coming on here and taking that first step, as there is no one around that I know who I can talk to about that part of my situation.

    I'll definitely try and pluck up the courage and talk to my therapist, hopefully I don't freak myself out before I do and end up having an awkward conversation "My therapist: Hi Mitch how you've been this week" "Me: I'M GAY, I'M GAY"

     
  7. lonelygray

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    Don't worry you got this, but telling your therapist that you're gay would be a good first step to maybe eventually coming out to others as well. I've always been shy and introverted myself and I still am yet not as shy as before, talking to more people that had the same interests that I have such as art, video games, etc. has always made me more comfortable when I'm with strangers. Don't force yourself into VERY uncomfortable situations though!
     
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  8. R3TR0

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    Hi Mitch!

    Congratulations on taking the first step! This is HUGE and you should be proud! We all are! I totally get to social anxiety and honestly, I’ve replied to a couple of other posts on here saying that I feel like LGBT related social anxiety is hard in the UK (not saying it isn’t anywhere else but this is where my experience is).

    I feel like everyone has already got their own friendship groups, full of FULLY out LGBT community members and then there’s the likes of you and me who are standing around looking for people to become friends with! Imagine me and you are two people on a single forum, there must be THOUSANDS in the same boat!

    I just wish I could find them!

    Happy to connect! ❤️ & welcome to EC!

    Amz, 28, Female, London.
     
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  9. MRMitch

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    Hi

    Thanks for the nice words.

    Recently I spoke to my mum about my circumstances, because I thought, if i cant be honest with my mum, who can I be honest with. So I sat down and spoke to her about my feelings, my sexuality, and everything, which was good, but to my surprise, she said she already knew I was gay, and that she loves me no matter what. So my mums very cool with it and extremely supportive of me, so I feel very lucky to have my mum. It takes a lot of pressure off certain things, I mean no one else knows about my sexuality, but at least my mum does, which is the most important thing to me anyway. :slight_smile:
     
    #9 MRMitch, Aug 21, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2020
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  10. R3TR0

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    So glad you were able to tell your Mum & she was supportive! My Mum, Dad & Sister were the same and to be honest I’m sure the rest of my family would be too. But I do know that the way they’ll actually find out is when I finally bring a woman home and not a man...

    The relief you feel after telling even just one person is amazing! ❤️
     
  11. MRMitch

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    Yeah, Its definitely a relief, even with just my mum knowing. I'm not sure how the rest of my family will react when I tell them (eventually). Certain people will be fine with it, however, others not so much.
    I couldn't imagine at this moment in time, just bringing a guy to meet family and being like.... SURPRISE, it would be funny though :laughing:
     
  12. Fishtail

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    You sound like an Introvert and i feel like it´s harder if they have anxiety. Because i´m not but your thoughts and overthinking where very similar when i was stuck in the same period in my life.

    After talking with your Mother did it lessen some of your worring thoughts?

    Congarts on telling somebody:gay_pride_flag:. Did that also help with lessen you anxiety abit?
     
    #12 Fishtail, Aug 26, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2020
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  13. bingostring

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    Hi Mitch,

    Congratulations on telling your mother!! That takes real guts!

    As far as your social anxiety is concerned, I wonder if the “elephant in the room” is your sexuality. I say that because I had so much fear about being “found out” in my younger days that I withdrew from social situations. I was nervous of being in groups and just wanted to be wallpaper. It’s all about internalised homophobia. I am sure you have read up on that before.

    does that sound like you at all? Or is your experience different?

    I do agree that sharing your sexuality with your CBT therapist could be very helpful. It will give them a whole new part of you to think about and it may bring quicker results.

    you need to take steps and I think you realise that by posting here. The key is to take some bold steps but not so big they become overwhelming.

    may I ask how old you are out of interest ?

    you are my 2001st message on EC!
     
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  14. MRMitch

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    Hi

    Telling my mum and taking that first step, has helped me.

    I mean, I'm still dealing with my issues, but I have a clearer mind and stronger focus

    I've been thinking about how me being gay, effects my social anxiety, and I think a big part of it is self acceptance and the worry about my sexuality being exposed. I tend to see things through my filtered feelings, and that changes the way I think, feel and act in certain situations. So coming to terms with things and being more open and honest will hopefully help.

    I'm 32 and I've shut that part of my life away for a long time, so feel like I've wasted a lot of years.

    But I'm slowing getting used to things and trying to break away from my issues, so I'll get there eventually.

    Thanks for the responses.
     
  15. bingostring

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    I suggest ... don’t beat yourself up about “wasted years”.
    You have done the best under difficult circumstances and ruminating over it won’t be useful for you.

    The main thing is that you seem to be waking up to what you now need to do to make your life more fulfilling moving forward.

    use the CBT the best you can however uncomfortable it makes you feel. Then, as CBT tends to be for a limited time, maybe think about longer term plans for therapies to support you.
     
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  16. Fishtail

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    #16 Fishtail, Sep 9, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2020
  17. MRMitch

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    Hey Guys

    Just a quick update, I recently came out to all my family.

    My mum already knew I was gay, so with her support I decided to come out to a few close family members. It went really well with them, and they were all very supportive.

    What started off with me deciding to only tell a couple of people, ended up with me telling everyone in my family lol. I thought why not.

    So I'm feeling a lot more relaxed, and ready to put myself out there.
     
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  18. R3TR0

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    This is such great news! I’m so pleased for you!!
     
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  19. BlueLion

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    Hey MRMitch!

    Congratulations on the important steps you've been taking. I'm glad that your family's response has been so positive. You must feel so relieved at the moment. :slight_smile:

    Coming out to your close family in the first place requires a lot of courage, so you should be so proud of yourself.

    Hopefully, this will help you to have more confidence in yourself and to handle your social anxiety in a better way. Have you noticed any improvements in this sense, if I may ask?

    That's not true! Those years haven't been wasted at all. I'm sure you've learnt a lot about your different experiences in life and those learnings will never be lost. You are still very young too. Additionally, look at all the achievements you've reached in such a short time. That's impressive!
     
    #19 BlueLion, Oct 22, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2020
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  20. MRMitch

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    Hi

    I do feel very relieved, I feel a lot better in myself, and I'm gradually building my confidence. But I've still got a long way to go.

    Now that I'm starting to accept who I am as a person, I can start to work on myself and any issues I have.

    But I feel a lot lighter :slight_smile:

    Thanks for the kind responses.
     
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