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Being disabled as a teen

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by deadseal, Aug 24, 2020.

  1. deadseal

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    Ok, so 4 context i have CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) which basically means my nerves are :sparkles:damaged and no longer function properly:sparkles: so basically any amount of stimulation makes my nerves think that my arm is getting chopped off. I know, what bs, right? Well anyways, i got diagnosed when i was barely even 12, so basically i got fucked over by life young. And keep in mind, ever since that day in late august, my life has literally never been the same. I can't wear long sleeves anymore. Taking showers causes me pain, so i have to be fast. I can't swim or workout. Fun, right? Well anyways, with this :sparkles:fun little disease:sparkles: it can be fatal! thats right, f a t a l ! so im just vibin, trying to ignore the fact that crps will literally kill me. Oh, did i mention that most kids when diagnosed with this barely make it to 30, because they commit suicide due to their pain? Yep! 30! And guess who is high risk? Thats right, me!

    I literally hate it with a fiery (haha) passion, like, my body will *literally* kill itself. Either i commit suicide, or my body does. So as you can tell, i try not to obsess over the fact i literally have a death counter. So what do i do when im not narced up on pain killers? Do typical teenager stuff. Like graffiti, drugs, petty crimez n shit. and it sucks ass! my friends literally call me feral- i mean, theyre not wrong. Literally when i'm not asleep i do pretty feral stuff. But its all because i know i won't live long. I won't make it past 70, even if my crps doesn't kill me.

    Crps shaves off 3 years off your life expectancy if you're lucky- And i'm not. I am literally struggling every single day that i live with pain. It's tiring. And with all my other medical issues, i am quite literally a human dumpster fire. Ffs, i even have depression! And if you dont know, depression can cause memory loss. I literally do not remember anything from ages 4-10, and i'm closer to 10 than 20. Even then, i have big gaps between when i was 10 til now. I cant even remember what i had for dinner last night- and that scares me. The fact that i wont live long; i won't remember what i did do when i was living. That scares me.

    Despite this, i aspire to be a taxidermist. Being face-to-face with death on a daily, i don't really fear it anymore. Maybe its the depression speaking, but i find the concept of death soothing. At the end, there is nothing. No pain, no thoughts, just... nothing. And most people fear what i deal with on a daily basis, so i should embrace it. Plus, taxidermy is just one of my passions! I've been mounting mice since i was 12, and i even have some squirrels in my body freezer in the garage!

    I get really exicted when talking abt death sometimes, and that has caused people to call the mental hospital several times in fear i was going to kms. I wasnt- just loved taxidermy! But, thats another thing i fear- i fear that i will barely make it in the taxidermy world. I may never visit the world championships. I may never get to live as my authentic self, as a vast majority of my life is going to be when i'm a minor. Unsupportive parents + trans child + short lifespan = big yikes.

    (Oh, and stupid make-a-wish doesn't consider crps "life-threatening" so that sucks. I would totally use it to get my name changed or to get surgery or some shit like that lmao)

    i just feel so fucking off sometimes. I just want to be a normal kid. I just want to be able to do normal things, like skating, without writhing in pain.

    idk. maybe i was meant to live like this; proving god has a bdsm fetish and gets off to others being in pain.

    sorry for the vent. -stag.
     
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  2. mellissa

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    Wow. That was a lot.

    First and foremost thanks for sharing.
    Next, with whatever time you have left, you should spend it living life to the fullest. I know that it is not possible for somebody with your medical condition to enjoy life, but it sounds like you found something that you enjoy. No matter what your parents, friends , and others think, you need to live your life to the fullest.
    As a devout Christian stories like yours really test my faith. I don't know why you have this condition. All I know is that you do have a purpose and I hope that you can find it before the end.
    Anyways. Whenever you want to talk, I'm here.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I am so sorry that you have to experience this. I hope that you can find some things in your life that you do enjoy and that somehow you are able to live your life as your authentic self at some point.
     
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  4. Loves books

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    First off, there’s a world championship in taxidermy? I used to be grossed out about people handling dead animals until I realised I eat dead animals but they have already been skinned. I have thought about death a little and I know mine is going to be bad. I might make 50 if I’m lucky. But for years before that I’ll be stuck in a wheelchair unable to move and according to my online support group, in pain. I’ll probably want to kill myself but be unable to. A lot of friends are dead. But though life sucks sometimes try to live it the best you can. Do you while you can. I’m super annoyed that my muscles weakened enough I was slowly suffocating on a ride using gravity to hol me to a rotating wall but it stopped before I got so bad I passed out. I had been fine on the same ride a year previously. It did make it clear my dream vacation to Disney is better sooner than later. And no matter what my mother says Disney land is not just for kids. Try to enjoy what you can do. Stuff dead animals all you want. The fact that you store dead squirrels in a freezer is a little odd. I really hope food gets nowhere near that freezer. Taxidermy sounds like an unusual hobby but go for it and try to reach the top. I don’t think it’s a competitive skill though.
     
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  5. deadseal

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    Haha, yep, theres a world championship! And don't worry- the freezer is just for me!
    Surprisingly, the competition in taxidermy is FIERCE. Back in the 70's, it was much easier to get high up in the business, because things were still new! people were just now finding alternatives to cyanide for preservation, for example.
    Ever since the death of a really popular artist, people were finding more and more ways of making things look realistic. It's gotten to the point that people argue over things such as the best kind of wood polish for hooves! But i don't mind it, as long as i get to the championships in missouri before i die i think i'll be fine. Let's hope my physical therapy will be able to wait when i go there, though!
     
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