After almost a decade, I still am not ok with it all. I’ve been in and out of the closet at different points. It clicked and made sense initially. It felt like a weight off of me. (Came out as lesbian) But then some people reacted poorly and felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough to be with men. After a may/december relationship ended 5 years after being out(only female relationship I’ve ever had), I went back in the closet/called myself bi and that i was mistakened in being out as lesbian and into the first guy’s arms that showed interest in me(with the push of several friends in a mutual social circle he and I were in). Had a kid too soon into the relationship, broke up because I was unhappy, empty and envying LGBT acquaintances getting engaged. I want to be straight. I can’t stand myself. I can barely say out loud anything remotely related to my sexuality unless it's heterosexually related. I am highly uncomfortable with most people who are from the LGBT community(friends, neighbors, etc). I’m also relatively miserable about all it all and not sure what to do. I don’t even know if I’m lesbian or bi and how much of it is my skewed mindset vs. the facts. (and yeah in a way the definitive answer to that matters to me even though labels shouldn't be relevant.). Note: I am in therapy for this. I finally decided to address it after ignoring it for months. But they don't specialize really in LGBT issues. As uncomfortable as this is for me to post this to strangers, I have very few people in the community to go to for advice.
Hello, lostmyname. EC is a great place for support! I'm sorry to hear of the struggle and difficult circumstances that you've gone through. It sounds like you have been really hard on yourself. It's good that you're seeing a therapist, but is there any way that you could switch to one that is more familiar with LGBT issues? In terms of figuring out your sexuality, try to be patient with yourself. One thing I have learned from joining this site is that it takes many people in the LGBTQ community years to finally accept or figure out their sexuality. For me, personally, it took over a decade to come to terms with the fact that I'm bisexual. I didn't have my "light bulb moment" until a few weeks ago. Instead of focusing on trying to find the right label, perhaps it would be better to sort out your thoughts and feelings first. Ultimately, you have to be true to yourself.
Hi @lostmyname and welcome to EC. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time working out and coming to terms with your sexuality, and also that you’ve had negative reactions to your sexuality in the past. It’s good that you’re in therapy. How is that going? If you feel that your current therapist doesn’t fully understand your situation and that talking to an LGBT specialist would beneficial, then I agree with @Songful that it would be worth exploring other options. Not everyone finds the right therapist the first time, so if the fit doesn’t feel right then looking at other therapists would be a good idea. My therapist isn’t an LGBT specialist, but the fit is right so it does work. Well done on joining EC and posting here. That was brave. It’s not uncommon to take time to realise and come to terms with your sexuality, as you’ll see from the stories shared by other members on EC. I was in a long term relationship with a man when I realised my sexuality. So, you’re not alone and I hope you find the support you’re looking for here. Be kind to yourself and take care.
Welcome. I am sorry that it is such a struggle. Wanting to be straight and being straight are two different things. Being straight is fine if you are, but if you are not then hating yourself for something that you have no control over is not healthy. I hope that your therapist can help you to accept who you are, even if you cannot find the exact right label yet. There are plenty of accepting people here to help you explore what that might be.
@lostmyname, for the longest time I desperately wanted to be straight, and for many years I'd done a good job of convincing myself that I mostly was. Whenever gay thoughts would enter my mind I would immediately shut down emotionally. I even believed that over time, as I got older, those feelings would completely disappear. Well, that didn't happen! After years of emotional suppression I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I hated that fact and it took therapy to help me work through it. Now, while I'm not out, I do accept who I am and love myself. That removed a huge weight from my shoulders. Even if you never choose to come out to friends and family, just finding a way to accept and love who you are can be very empowering and ease a lot of the inner turmoil you're experiencing.
I agree with this ... the key is to accept yourself without judgment ... maybe not being thrilled about it, but simply saying it is what it is. I think human sexuality is really on a spectrum and also somewhat situational, but each individual has their own unique make-up in this regard. If you can accept that this is true about yourself without trying to leap ahead to what it means regarding the gay community, relationships, etc., you may be able to have much more peace and serenity. I hope that helps!
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's funny, I looked back at old conversations I saved from when I first came out around 2010/2011 and I find not a whole lot of change or progress has been made in 10 years. I tried to deal with some of it and then buried the rest. I wish I knew what it exactly was I'm really afraid of. In myself and when I'm around other LGBT folks. I worry too much also what others think of me and I know I shouldn't. I don't correct my kid's teacher when she refers to my ex as my husband. I don't stand up for myself when one of my best friends tells me not to give up on men, thinking that she's right, I am the problem. A former best friend of mine had been encouraging 10 years ago but I wasn't allowed to tell her family at all that I was anything but straight. When I dated a man again, my mother was thrilled. She was kind of crappy when I came out to her. (Funny enough my dad was ok with me being lesbian and he was homophobic as hell.). She'd tell me I was disgusting and not to share a water bottle with my brother because "who knows where my mouth had been" and why I couldn't just be normal. Because of the age gap with my ex girlfriend and because she was a family friend as far as my mom was concerned, our relationship was never taken seriously. That and no one else ever suspected us as a couple either. So I guess in some ways, I still was able to hide myself. If I let myself just really focus on it and what it is I want (forgetting about my concerns and fears), I most likely I am lesbian. When it comes to guys, it feels like ok im doing what im supposed to and purely ideal fantasy of what being normal should be. When it comes to women, I want to have this close bond with someone and take on the world with her. Even if I look back at my past, I had my first female crush (didn't know that's what this was at the time) at 10. Female celebrity crush at 8. Crushed on guys around that age range because I wanted to fit in, not because I had any interest. Had a crush on my best friend in high school but thought nothing of it. But then when I got to college/started retail work, guys were interested in me and figured that was the right thing to do. The first guy was verbally abusive and only wanted to be friends with benefits. So I did. Two guys after that were only crushes but it never crossed my mind to want to have sex with either of them. The fourth I was talked into by my friends to date and lo and behold I ended it 3 months later because he was creepy and selfish. 5 years later I met my ex girlfriend, 5 years after we broke up and I was heavily pushed by my friends to date the man I later had my kid with. And then here I am. As for my therapist, while she's not specialized in LGBT stuff, she's helped me a great deal and we've just begun addressing my issues as of last week. So far she's made a few good points so we'll see. It's night and day between her and a therapist I had when I first came out who flipped her lid and told me to stick with guys and how careful I needed to be. Yikes. Needless to say I never went back to that one. I'm also trying to be more active on social media with LGBT pages. Maybe even make friends as 85% of my social circle are straight couples. Anyway, thank you to those who read and responded. I really do appreciate it.
It sounds like you have a good therapist. I hope that you continue to find your sessions with her to be helpful. Best wishes to you!
1) You are the only one who knows your sexuality and it might take time to discover and accept. 2) If you feel uncomfortable talking about LGBT+ issues, just know that this is a super safe space to try out. 3) All of us at EC are rooting for you and are here to support you. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
This one hits right at home for me. All through my teenage years, I couldn't stop thinking about how much better it would be if I was straight. But you know what? You can't condemn yourself for the way you feel. Was there some button you could press during the start of puberty where you could pick which sexuality you prefer? Of course not - it happens and that's just who you are. And honestly, if those people aren't gonna accept you for you, then they were never going to be good friends anyway. If those people were actually good to you, you wouldn't feel the need to hide from them. There's literally millions of people around the globe who couldn't give a single damn about whether you like men, women or whatever else. Moral of the story, be yourself - and you will find the right people. I promise.
I hope you will find the peace you seek within yourself soon. And I hope you will find EC as supportive an environment as I have. My heartfelt good wishes to you as you face the ups and downs of your own journey.
lostmyname.....Hello and just in case no one has said it...welcome to Empty Closets! There are a number of sub-forums here on EC. The one titled "Sexual Orientation" could be a very good place for your posts. The folks there have dealt with quite a few issues that are similar to what you have already posted here on EC. Some people discover what their orientation is quite early. Unfortunately that's not how it works for all of us. Not only does it take longer for some of us, but as another person posted there is such a thing as an orientation "Spectrum" where a persons' sexual orientation can "slide" around to a certain extent. Everybody is different and we are the only one who can say for sure where we fit on that scale. Labels can be a problem as well as a good thing. When I accepted that I am and always have been gay, that label really did help me start to understand my self better. Other people feel that a label is confining and makes things worse for them. You'll have to decide whether a label is helpful or not for you...that's something that you could talk over with your therapist. Speaking of therapists...I am so glad that you have one with whom you feel comfortable! A therapist can really be a huge help as you work out how all of this comes together to make the person that is "you". Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family, that we do care. Please Keep us updated! .....David
I felt and sometimes feel this way too. I also slowly realized it was the language of denial.. I realized I was thinking"I want to be straight" ...not I am .. Yes. When I was in denial or 'arguing' here that "I can't be gay because" someone asked me, who could you imagine coming home and kissing and saying I love you. With all the years of denial I never allowed myself to do that, when I felt an emotional tidal wave. You with guys, I was like 'eh' about women, when I thought about my 'dream guy' I was like "OH! this is hetero people feel!" I realized that a lot of 'I couldn't be gay because..' were just like you say, concerns and fears - that's not to say that concerns and fears aren't real!
