another weird rant

I know I keep making these weird venting posts, and I don't really know where I'm going with any of them. I don't have anyone I can really talk about this with, so it helps to throw it all out there somewhere.

For a while I thought I was making progress, but just like every other time that has happened I always end up doubting myself. I've mentioned this before, but some stuff happened between me and a friend I've talked about in other threads, and I thought that that helped. The problem is that he's gone back to school and is out of state now. Go figure, I was just starting to get more used to/comfortable with everything we were doing. I miss him a lot to be honest.

I don't know what attraction is. I always thought I would be physically attracted to someone first. I thought I would see someone I thought was so physically attractive that I just somehow instinctively wanted to have sex with them. This might sound stupid I don't know. Either way that's never really happened. I can look at a girl and think she's cute, but I think it sort of ends there. The problem there is that I don't feel anything like that for men, and I feel like I'll never be able to say anything for sure until I can say for sure that I've felt something like that. Even with my friend, it's not that I find him physically attractive, I think it's just the connection we have since we've always been pretty close.

The problem with that is that I've never really felt the same way about anyone else. That makes me worry that to even feel "attracted" to anyone like I do my friend I'll have to build the same kind of connection with them as I have with my friend which has taken like half of my life at this point. I'm not a very social person and I'm not good at developing relationships so I guess I'm just worried that I'll never feel "attracted" to anyone else like I am my friend. That bothers me because at the moment I can't really imagine myself feeling like this about anyone else.

Not to get too NSFW but I guess I have pretty weird tastes in porn, I've also talked about this before. Occasionally I'll get the urge to look at something more straight and this always freaks me out. It sort of makes me feel like I did back when I first started wondering if I wasn't straight. It's almost like I've gotten so used to this weird confused state that going back to realizing I could just be straight is as worrying as thinking I could be gay was when I first started questioning myself.

I haven't been feeling that great lately. I hesitate to say I'm depressed, but I think I probably am. I've definitely been feeling shitty since I started all of this worrying, but maybe even a few years before that. I wonder if this could be part of that. l don't know, maybe it's just fucking with my so much that I'm confused about basic stuff that I should just know about myself. I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. Sorry for this weird ranty post, I'm a bit drunk and this has all been on my head so much the last week or two and I just wanted to get it out somewhere.