I will try to be as brief as possible. I am a 45 yo male and was in a relationship with a woman for almost 20 years. Previous to our relationship, I enjoyed porn of all kinds. It started with straight porn then it progressed to gay porn which I indulged in almost exclusively by the time we got together. We had a wonderful sex life up until he end. The things she used to do no longer got me charged. But the gay porn would excite me to no end. I felt guilty about this. But I could never admit that that is what I was doing. It was unfair I now know and understand. Communication was a factor in our break up (obviously). During our separation has been a time of self realization and reflecting. I remember times as a child looking at other boys and feeling things that I could not explain. Looking back it was arousal. When I was 4 a boy my age “mooned” me. Seeing his behind was something I thought about alot. When I was 7 a couple of boys around my age “molested” me on two different occasions and there was really no resistance or trauma there. In 4th grade, I had a good friend that I hung out with every day. I was not attracted to him he was my buddy. I felt that we should have friendship rings. I gave it to him and it weirded him out so much that he stopped talking to me. I didn’t know that that’s not what little boys normally do. My teenage years rolled around and I was into getting as many girls as possible. And scored quite a few which I am not proud of, but there were guys that I was attracted to and wanted to approach but was afraid of the backlash of anyone finding out. At 45 I have finally had another experience with a guy and I did enjoy it I just could not carry through because I was nervous. But in another place and opportunity, it could happen. I have never had any sexual trauma or abuse by any adults in my childhood. So based on everything that I have expressed, am I gay? Or could there be another explanation? I think I am still in denial and would like to hear from someone who had a similar experience. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening
It sounds like you might have suppressed some feelings in order to conform to what (you thought) society expected of you. Maybe there is still a part of you that is trying to conform? Your porn watching habits are not necessarily a good indicator, but it is somewhat telling that you are exclusively drawn to gay porn now. What is more telling is your own fantasies... the things that come to mind and get you off when porn is not part of the equation. Do your fantasies correspond to what you are watching? When you see a hot guy in public do you find yourself looking a bit more closely? I think there is a good possibility that you might be gay, but the only person who can really decide is you. There are likely to be push-pull factors to consider - things like guilt and shame that can stop you from accepting what you are feeling and experiencing, so it will be important to try to look beyond those issues to arrive at a clearer picture about your sexuality. Based on what you have told us, I do think you should consider the idea that you might be gay.
Thank you for your response and insight! For the last 30 days I have taken a “detox” on porn and masturbation. I plan to go for as long as possible. It feels really good so far. Yes I do still get tempted and I still fantasize. And my fantasies still involves guys. So yes, I am leaning towards that as being a strong possibility. I have had ex girlfriends ask me if I was. My ex wife would make little comments alluding to it. So I think that I am. I’m just not ready to come out. You are so right, I have suppressed my feelings based on family and society. Thank you for a little more insight to help me find more pieces to this puzzle.
An Interest story.You had an relationship over years with your girlfriend but i have a question.You had a lots of sex with her but how you are attracted to her?Someone he is gay show no signals to the opposite sex.
Yeah,probably not all out gay. Bi, leaning mostly towards guys. I do find women sexy and get turned on by them. But the heart pounding head spinning, butterflies in the stomach feelings are towards guys. Maybe the subconscious “taboo” of it is really exciting to me.
