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Fell off eating disorder recovery plan and feel horrible

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by eismeister, Aug 4, 2020.

  1. eismeister

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    Hi all, it's been awhile since I've been on the forum, but happy to be back :slight_smile:

    I have come to accept in the last year that I have had an eating disorder - Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Most people don't associate it as an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia, but it is indeed one and serious.

    In hindsight, I've had an eating disorder since I was probably 5 or 6 as part of emotional abuse from a parent. However, through childhood and early adulthood, I, an others around me, failed to acknowledge any issue due to the fact I was a competitive athlete. I went on to eventually turn pro. The signs were there, but since I was exercising and practising sport for 4+ hours a day, 6 days a week, I didn't gain weight, and actually lost it. I was eating a lot, and not healthily a lot of the time. I overate fast food and comfort food with little impacts since I was burning it off as quickly as I was eating it.

    After semi-retiring and dropping to semi-pro in my sport and starting a master's program, the eating disorder started to snowball. At the same time, I was hiding who I was as a lesbian and miserably dating a man, adding to my stress. I stopped exercising altogether except for sports practice. I started to eat fast food every day, hiding it from my mother who I had moved back in with and eating what she cooked in addition to add to my charade. I drank a lot of beer to numb my pain and anxiety from school, hiding my identity, and my body that was starting to fall apart. I was an angry person and the only thing that made me feel better was food. After I graduated school, I couldn't find a job. My eating disorder and depression simply got worse. A therapist put me on anti-depressants, which made me want to eat more. This went on for almost two years.

    I finally found a job and came out with who I was, which helped my depression considerably. Yet, I was still battling my eating disorder, that I still hadn't acknowledged as one, and was with an abusive girlfriend. Symbolically, on January 1, 2019, I decided to do something about my body that truly was well on its way to falling apart. My back, hips, and knees ached. I had developed a heart condition. I stepped on the scale for the first time in 5 years. I am a 156 cm (5'1") female. When I was a pro athlete, I weighed 150 lbs. On that day, I weighed 16.5 stone (230 lbs) with a dangerous BMI of 44. I went for a run. I could barely finish 15 minutes. I had been a pro athlete, and now I was out of breath. This was it, I was done with the way I had been living.

    I started running every day, 15 minutes at first. Between January 2019 and July 2020, I lost 6.8 stone (95 lbs.) and got up to running 6 days a week for more than an hour. I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. More importantly, I admitted to myself I had an eating disorder. I drastically changed my eating habits and what I was putting into my body to mostly vegetables, proteins, some grains with one meal a week of something that was not as healthy. After going a year and a half with this new outlook, I really thought I was pretty much cured. I felt good and free.

    In early July, I relocated to a new country for a job and to be with my girlfriend. I started to slip off my strict regime. My job put a lot of work on me and my girlfriend is in the middle of a prolonged divorce process (long, long story I won't go into here). I stopped running every day and started running maybe 4 days a week and for less time. More worryingly, I started to feel the compulsion to eat again like I had. I binged for the first time in 18 months. I felt incredibly guilty after, but have done it probably 6 times over the last month. I stopped measuring out what I was eating, and started eating way more pasta and less vegetables, etc. I know I've gained weight, but not sure how much since I don't have a scale. My clothes still fit, but I can see my stomach is bloated looking. I'm still running, but the eating is worrying me. I realize that maybe my plan I was on for the last 18 months wasn't exactly sustainable, but I need balance of some kind that lets me eat healthily without binging and without putting on weight.

    Anyways, this lapse has made me way more anxious and angry than I have been and everything feels lost. My girlfriend is confused why I'm so angry. I feel like I'm back at square one, the 230 lb. out of breath person, though I know that's not possible. I'm terrified of going back to that. I'm having the compulsion to eat still and it's driving me insane.

    If any of you have had a similar experience and/or have any resources or tips to help me get a grip on how to get back to my disciplined recovery and figure out balance. Thank you all :slight_smile:
     
  2. Really

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    Hey there. That’s really rough. I don’t have direct experience with that but, like everyone, I’ve wanted to lose weight before. I have a few suggestions that might help you a little but if you aren’t in touch with your (or a) therapist, it probably couldn’t hurt.

    a) One thing I’ve done is to change the way I think about eating and exercising. They aren’t to help me lose weight, they are to make my “insides” as healthy as they can be. So, I run to improve my speed and by extension my cardio. I eat to give me fuel for the athletic endeavours I pursue. So, on a day I don’t get much exercise in, I eat less because my body has no use for extra fuel. On days I run or lift weights, I add a few more carbs beforehand to enable me to get the best out of my workouts.

    See? I’m working on what’s beneath the fat and if the fat goes away in the process, great but, really, I just feel great about the progress that’s happening beneath the surface. :}

    b) As far as adding some discipline, as you probably know, setting goals and working out a plan to get there is really useful. Maybe work out a meal plan and shopping list. Stuff you like and know that is healthier than the stuff we throw together at the last minute. ;]

    And in the exercise department, maybe look into the Couch to 5k program. It’s how I started running and it is really amazing. Going slower than you think is “correct” is actually better than going fast. And if you want to lift weights, there are a bunch of good resources of the Internet. Just don’t overdo any of it at first. :]

    I’m no expert but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Unfortunately, there is always a chance of relapse with eating disorders, so it's worth recognising that it might happen and prepare a recovery plan, in the event that it does. It doesn't sound like you have done that yet, but even now, it might be worth channelling the anger that you are feeling in that more positive direction. Always remember that anger can be used to motivate us and spur us into action, it doesn't have to be a negative that will drag us further down. The fact that you are talking about it here is a good sign because it tells me that you want to reassert control, so what would recovery look like and what do you need to put in place to achieve it?

    Think about the language you use right now too. It's very easy to beat yourself up with negative self talk like... "Here I go again, I haven't changed and knew this would happen... I'm so weak". Be aware of how this works and what it does to you; how it can trap you even further in the cycle of eating disorders. A better way to think is... "I am a bit disappointed that this has happened. I wish I had been better prepared and hadn't reacted to the recent stress in this way, but now I can see what I need to do differently next time. Slips are bound to happen, but I am still doing a lot better than before, so hope remains and now I need to focus on recovery and self-care and I will.”

    You have done all this once, you can do it again. Maybe you do need to reassess your plan and goals, but that's possible, isn't it? All part of the recovery plan? You've got this!