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When will I have a crush on a man?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tim9788, Jul 19, 2020.

  1. Tim9788

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    Hi all,

    I am in a bit of a confusing situation at the moment and would really appreciate some help whether that be in the form of your own personal experience of experiences of others you know.

    I am a male who thinks he could be gay but am having many internal conflicts with my past, my current feelings and how inconsistent everything is.

    As a child from about grade 2 onwards I was obsessed with girls. I used to fantasise about them every night and had many crushes through primary school, one of which was very intense where all I wanted was to be with her for life. I used to think to myself, "how the hell are girls attracted to boys. There's nothing interesting about us and girls are so awesome". That being said, as a child I engaged in sexual exploration with both boys and girls and was excited by both. So to be clear I was aroused touching another boys penis but boys never made it into my fantasies or desires. That is something that I have accepted as an indication I have always been somewhat gay and that's okay with me. Through highschool I was super into girls and from as early as 11 I watched porn and was so unbelievably attracted to girls. It was not until 15 when I started to obsess I might be gay because of a random thought of "what if I'm gay?" That I had one day. At the beginning of the questioning I was terrified and had no arousal to gay stuff but after months of obsessing I had my first arousal to gay porn and although it felt so terrifying I legitimately felt I was going to die it was coupled with intense arousal. This kept happening as I tested myself and caused me severe anxiety but there was definately sexual arousal at time that felt incredibly strong. I even masturbated to it sometimes because I was excited even though I was having a weird panic attack thing at the same time. I then had a reprieve from the questioning for 9 months because I got a massive crush on a girl and wanted her so badly and didn't think of anything else but eventually I started questioning again. Since then my interest in straight porn that I used to love has been very limited and on the very rare occassion when I checked gay porn I would usually get aroused then get confused and anxious and start the cycle over.

    My current situation is that although I had a girlfriend for 5 years, sex was enjoyable however I was only occasionally interested. I have finally accepted my interest in gay porn and can even be aroused by thoughts of sex with men sometimes but when it comes to having feelings or crushes on people I have never had a crush on a guy. I don't have crushes on girls these days either. My question is when will I start to feel romantically for guys if I am fully gay so I can just be happy? How do I explain away a past of serious interest in girls and how do I know it's not still there buried under all this anxiety? Just the other night I had a dream of kissing a girl and felt euphoria for 3 days like I couldn't believe. I finally felt something after so many years. But after a few days it all went away.

    If I'm gay I want to feel for men like I used to feel for women because the uncertainty is killing me. It would also be great to hear if other people have had similar experiences to me of being primarily attracted to women for childhood and early teens to being attracted to men in porn but not romantically or in real life. What I mean by not being attracted to men in real life is that although I can imagine doing gay sexual acts and it being exciting I still don't see men on the streets and think they're attractive. Even recently going to the Japanese onsens and seeing all my mates naked I had absolutely no sexual response to it in the slightest. Naked men in general don't even do anything unless it's it's associated with gay sex. Why don't I see naked men like I used to see naked women. I just wish things would come together and make sense.

    Sorry for the long post. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you so much,

    Tim
     
  2. Leynz45

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    Bro your story is same like my.
    I had so many crushes for girls and watched different types of porns but i dont watched gay porn before.I dont know.I found that not hot to see mans they are sexual contact each other.I remember that i wanted a girl friend and was facinated to a womans body.Suddenly i had an question when i saw a picture of a class mate "am i gay when i find him he is good looking".The horror began.Directly i made gay tests,saw dick pics to analyze it.One day i had a feeling on my dick and i got an panic attack.All my dreams for me was a big lie.All attractions to girls in the past were fake.Everyday i thought about that more than 12 hours.I watched gay porn with full anxiety than switched to straight porn.One day i accepted that im in denial and iam gay because my thoughts dont gone.Every single impulse every feeling said to me that iam gay.I went to a gay community and told them my story and they said to me that iam not gay because i had an attraction to a girl before.3 months before i fall in love to a girl.She was gorgous but my mind said to me again you are gay.I felt depressed.My target was to know who iam.It feels like i was in the past a big liar.I want to understand it but i cant.Next week i have my first meeting with a psycolist and hope to know what is happening with me.
     
  3. Tim9788

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    Hi Leynz45,

    Do you also find that you have a legitamate interest in gay porn now that you never used to have. I went through the whole thing where I obsessed for literally every waking minute (sounds like an exaggeration but I think we both know it's not) and watched gay porn with some of the most intense anxiety I ever felt. The thing I found though was that even with that anxiety I got legitimately aroused sometimes and it felt very powerful when mixed with the anxiety. 1.5 years ago I accepted im aroused by gay porn and have since even used it for masturbation and have even been excited by the thought of engaging in gay sex but I still can't get over the fact that I used to be in love with girls and found them so attractive and that I've never felt that amazing desire to be romantic with a guy like I have had for girls in the past. That's whats bugging me so much. It's so annoying that instead of the arousal I used to have for straight intimacy, all that's left over is anxiety when I think about sex with women or straight porn.

    Does any of this make sense to you? I'm just wondering how similar our situations are because we might be able to help eachother.

    Tim
     
  4. Leynz45

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    The difference between us is i dont like any gay porns.The reason why i watched gay was a compulsion where i had different tests like am i aroused.I watched it full of Anxiety and i was focused on my dick.I can only imagine have sexual contact with a woman.Over months years i had a fear that iam attracted to man.I had analyzed every emotion and feeling.I came in this website to explain my problem with members.They said to me im mentally ill.I think they are right.I think iam a person he
    exaggerate different things in my life.Its not normal to check every second your dick for arousal.Im really happy that people are helpfull here.I had a lots of fear that i life in the future alone.Until today i dont have a girl friend and iam virgin.The reason is i have a social phobia.I tryed a lots of to masturbate to gay fantasies but i dont know.I dont like it.I hope i will be in the future much happier than now.I hope you find your way.If you have any questions than tell me.

    Another question if you dont masturbate for a week which gender is for you more aroused.
     
    #4 Leynz45, Jul 22, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020
  5. Journey616

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    Very similar story here too, started with exploring with other young boys my age when I was a kid. Got caught by my mom and shut it down. In my early twenties began looking at gay porn occasionally and then more often. Not it’s pretty much all I watch when it comes to porn. But like I wanted men when when aroused but out in the world had not interested and then I began to accept I was bi. That’s when things started to shift. I’d see a guy on the street and think oh he’s hot or oh he’s cute. Then one day driving to work I turn over to the car next me and I see a guy and I got so aroused. So little by little as I started to accept that it was ok to be into guys. The more I am finding myself attracted to men. Now I fantasize about waking up next to another man.
     
  6. Journey616

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    give yourself permission to have a crush on a man rather than getting caught up in the turmoil or whether you late gay or not.
     
  7. Chip

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    Leynz45, your situation, as you have described it, is pretty different than what Tim9788 is describing. Leynz45, yours is likely (as previously described, OCD-related or at least OCD-like, in that you have no arousal but continually test in spite of the fact. That's a mental health disorder.

    What Tim9788 is describing is more ambiguous, because he has strong arousal from gay porn, feels intense feelings when masturbating to gay porn, but also has anxiety associated with the idea of being gay and directly related to the arousal and has seen his interest in women diminish. These completely differentiate the symptoms between the two.

    So... while no one on the internet can or should "diagnose" anyone else, especially based on a couple of Internet posts, what I can say is this:

    Leynz45, your situation, as previously discussed, really can't be classified as as anything other than an anxiety-spectrum disorder. There's no indication you have any actual attraction to guys. Discussing it ad nauseum is not going to help you or change anything. You need to get mental health care to solve this.

    Tim9788, nobody but you can know for sure what's going on, but your case is more ambiguous, because there appears to be genuine arousal and attraction to guys. So one question is: Do you have other obsessive/intrusive thoughts? Do you have anxiety in other ways or other situations? And what happens if you masturbate, thinking about guys, but without using any porn, compared to doing the same while thinking about women?
     
    Franz007 likes this.