It's OK if you didn't have a glow up and here's why.

So, I'm making this thread because I think that hearing this would've made a difference to me when I was younger and I hope that it may help others.

There's a lot of focus in society on self-improvement. In fact, so much that it can feel like a constant competition. On social media, we have picture comparisons showing how we've changed over the years. There is a great deal of pressure to be the best and prove to others that you've become better. So when you look back on these photos and find that you haven't changed much, you might worry that you aren't interesting or that there's something wrong with you.

I want you to know that there isn't. Personally, I stayed the same because I was heavily depressed for a long time. I didn't want to try new things or go new places; I barely wanted to exist. As a teenager, I had rather limited interests because I struggled to find joy in anything. I saw this as a personal failure. My life felt odd, I felt as though I wasn't living and that I was just a passive observer. That I was living my real authentic life in my head and that everything else was merely a formality. I was depressed from quite a young age, so I'd never really known any different. That's what made it difficult to find a healthier mindset.

What made it worse was seeing all these posts about glow ups and changes (I'm not insulting or complaining about those who make such posts) because I wondered why I wasn't having all these teenage interests in various subcultures that others talked about. I seemed forever stuck in a constant state and I wanted to change but I just didn't have the energy or the drive. Plus, I was bullied and ridiculed whenever I did anything, so I wasn't too eager to draw anymore attention to myself.

I grew detached. My clothes didn't matter to me. In fact, I often wore down my clothes until they were faded and had holes in. Even when I didn't like the clothes, I still wore them because I felt detached from my external body. I couldn't bring myself to care about my outward appearance because I knew that whatever I did with it, I'd get bullied anyway.

From a young age, I'd accepted that I'd simply never live the kind of life that I wanted to. I thought that it was impossible because I'd had the message that I'd always be a disappointment nailed into my head. Eventually I just stopped trying. I didn't see the point and for the longest time I just accepted this idea to be true. That my internal self was a different person from my external self.

When I was sixteen, my life started to change significantly. I found a supportive friend system. However, I was still struggling with depression and I felt annoyed about this since in my eyes I'd fixed the problem. Of course, years of bullying and abuse isn't something that you work through overnight.

I think that I've often felt broken because I feel as though I'm behind others. That I've only just started to find myself whereas others started much earlier. I want you to know that if you relate to any of this, you're not alone (as cheesy as that may be). When I see films about American High Schools, I sometimes wonder if I wasted my teenage years. I don't relate to the underage drinking, or the crazy fashion trends or feeling free. Rather, it felt as if I was just living someone else's life. When I realised that I could take steps to live this internal life in my external, I found my spark again. It might seem obvious but for the longest time it seemed impossible.

Anyway, the moral is- you don't have to figure yourself in your teen years. It's OK if that comes later and you never fully stop developing. You're not broken. We often idolise childhood and adolescence as a culture, but personally I only started to feel truly happy as I took my first steps towards recovery at sixteen and even then I had rocky time. I went in and out of existential despair and depression.

Flash-forward. I look back now on the start of my university experience at eighteen VS now at twenty-one and although the change isn't dramatic it is definitely important. You can tell that I look healthier and happier. I am starting to live a more active life rather than feeling like a passive part of the scenery.

Sometimes people like to snark "Well, you won't always like adulthood, you're just a college kid", which is true. I am aware that adulthood isn't always easy and that I don't yet know much but I refuse to be crushed by my negativity anymore. Listen, I know life is gonna throw things at me- and maybe I'll be ready for it. Maybe not. But at least let me freaking try. I've been happier as an adult then I ever was as a kid and that's OK. So, perhaps I am naive. Frankly I find it surprising that I've even made it this far successfully. It's just, sometimes it feels as though some people are jumping at the chance to crush my dreams. Hun, you're already too late. I'm fully aware of everything that could go wrong, my imagination loves to remind me! Even so, I'd like to say stuff it anxiety, I'm trying anyway!