First off I just want to say that I'm not at all having a good day today. I feel empty and alone, although I'm not alone, and I just want to literally escape this life. Sort of recently I did seek mental help and so far have been told it's likely complex ptsd stemming from childhood. But this is my issue. This isn't the first time I've reach out for help in my adulthood, not counting all the therapy I was forced into as a preteen/teen. And legitimately every time I see someone new they diagnose me with something other than the previous person. So really idk wtf is wrong with me. I don't exactly want to take any medication for something that's not 100% wrong with me, plus I would like to know what actually is wrong so I can fix the problem, or at least acknowledge it more. I don't have the funds to see like the greatest therapist so I feel like I always get stuck with people who don't care and don't even fully know what they're doing or talking about. I've been feeling so lonely lately and like I'm just gonna be alone or bouncing between toxic relationships going nowhere forever until I die. And this thought hits the deepest.
I don't have much advice to offer, but I wanted to express solidarity. At times in the past, I have had very similar thoughts. I spent a large part of my adolescence in mental health crisis, and the disruption to development has made healthy relationships difficult. I don't have any answers, but you are not alone in feeling this way.
Complex PTSD is a likely diagnosis for someone who had traumas in childhood. Unfortunately, the quality of psychotherapy in general, at least in the US, is pretty bad and so finding a good therapist isn't the easiest, and also explains why you've gotten a bunch of different diagnoses. Depending on the symptoms and childhood traumas, medication is frequently not helpful, especially for CPTSD. Good therapy can be an enormous help... but finding a therapist who is both competent and can connect empathically with you is going to be crucial to resolving this. One suggestion I have is to talk with four or five therapists before choosing one. Most therapists will give a short phone or Skype consult without cost, to help you determine if there's a good fit. That in itself won't guarantee a good fit, but may help you to rule out some folks. The right therapist will help you put your experiences in context, examine how they have affected your current perceptions, and help you identify the areas you need to work on to get you where you want to be. What I can tell you is that unresolved mental health problems from childhood are the single most common reason why people keep making ineffective choices with relationships and friendships. Working through the core issues that are causing you to seek out those people can help you understand why you are drawn to them, and learn to change how you interact, helping you to make better and more fulfilling choices.
