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Biromantic?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Rhierakin, Jul 16, 2020.

  1. Rhierakin

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    This had been spinning around in my head for a while, so I decided to finally ask here. Maybe some of you have been on the same thought train and can offer some advice. Be warned, this might become long.

    A bit of background: I'm 35, female, married to a man, two young kids (4 and 7). Neither of us had been in a relationship before we met when I was 19. A year and a half ago I realized I was attracted to women after thinking I was straight my whole life, so I came out to my husband and a few friends as bisexual a while after.

    Here's the thing. Since the 'wow I like women' realization has settled, I've been thinking about where on the sliding scale of gay I'm most comfortable. I kind of assumed bi since I'm married, sex has happened, and that was what I was familiar with. But now...
    I'm realizing that I'm definitely closer to the lesbian side of things. Sex with my husband has always just been okay, and now it seems to go beyond just him. I'm just not sexually intrigued by men. I've even done the thought experiment where I've thought of guys I find attractive and imagined them suddenly turning up in my bedroom, and I just go "nah. No thanks."
    With women, that's so not the case.

    I do enjoy m/f love stories, though. And I thought I was in love with my husband. (We're having problems now because of unrelated issues, so right now I'm a bit shaky on that front.) So I remembered the term biromantic, and I'm wondering if that might be a better fit for me. That I'm sexually lesbian and romantically bi.

    Anyone of you landed on the biromantic identity? How did you realize?
     
  2. BaconBacon

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    I am the same age as you and I thought I could be Heteroromantic bisexual. However, I don't think the evidence supports the separation of sexual feelings and romantic feelings. So if your attraction is to the same gender sexually then you will be able to have romantic feelings. I thought I would stick with the facts and look at my sexuality from the view of the current evidence-based facts. I found that thinking in terms of biromantic, heteroromantic, etc was misleading and didn't help me. Sexuality can be very complicated so go easy on yourself, learn as much as you can about yourself, be honest with yourself. It can be a long long long process.

    I think you need to elaborate more on what makes you think you're attracted to women and have you have been attracted to men sexually?
     
  3. justinf

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    Without trying to disregard those who experience that their sexual and romantic orientation are two separate things, I’d say in the overwhelming majority of cases, that is not how it works. And given what you’ve said here, I highly doubt it’s the case for you either.

    For most people, finding out that they’re gay is not a realization that happens overnight; rather, it’s a process that can take anywhere from a few weeks to several years.

    As a part of that process, people will sometimes recognize and accept that the attraction is there, while simultaneously holding on to whatever is left of their straight identity: “I’m sexually attracted to women, but I’m in love with my husband, who is a man, so romantically speaking I must still be at least bi.”

    The problem with that reasoning is that it simply isn’t reliable. No matter how open-minded you are, very few people would choose to be gay if given the choice, and so the unconscious mind will go to great lengths to try and find ways to convince you that you are not.

    Now of course that in itself is totally understandable, especially when marriage and kids are involved, but at the same time it means that your reasoning which has led you to the conclusion that you may be bi-romantic probably isn’t objective. As a more objective outsider, all I see is a pretty strong attraction to women, and little to no attraction to men.

    It’s also good to remember that there are actually many gay men and women who marry, start families and build meaningful relationships with people of the opposite sex before coming out (as evidenced by the many members on here who have walked that path). In other words, getting married, having kids, and loving your husband aren’t necessarily reliable indicators of where you orientation lies.

    While I am certainly not claiming it’s impossible that you are bi-romantic, more likely what’s going on is, as you’re becoming more comfortable with and aware of your attraction to women, the unconscious resistance is slowly giving way to feelings that you weren’t aware even existed.

    Maybe that isn’t the kind of answer you were looking for, but I think it’s an important possibility to consider regardless.
     
    #3 justinf, Jul 16, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
    Chip likes this.
  4. Chip

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    Justin and BaconBacon are correct, there's no credible support for discordant sexual and romantic orientations. However, men and women typically do experience love and romance very differently; women tend to enjoy more stories and romance and caressing and that sort of thing, while men tend to be more visually driven. So you're pretty consistent on that front.

    From what you are describing, it sounds like you're simply closer to the lesbian end of the spectrum than you are to the straight end.