so i attend an all-girls high school and as such I haven't talked with a boy my age in over a year. I honestly have no idea what a 17-year-old boy even is. I remember getting crushes on boys during middle school but that just feels so far away and impersonal, like it happened to someone else. I go to college in a year and i'll meet guys my age then but this is kind of bothering me and I want to figure something out, even if it changes. I cannot picture myself dating/marrying a boy in the way I can picture myself doing that stuff with a girl but maybe that's because I just have so little experience with boys. If I were to start an account on a dating app, I would look at girls only but again, idk if that's just because of my background. I honestly have no idea how I feel towards guys and i want help figuring it out. thanks...
I should add that when I say I would have crushes on guys in middle school, I mean I would get warm-and-fuzzies about them or hanging out with them in a way that could be platonic or romantic. I didn't think much about being physically activie w/guys (e.g, kissing, cuddling, etc.) because I thought I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.
Honestly it’s hard to know for you, especially if you aren’t around guys ever. I am also wondering about wether I am lesbian or bi. I am identifying as bi for now, because I think that I like guys, but I also don’t know if I really think they are attractive. I look at pictures of hot guys like, Shawn Mendes and stuff (chosen because all my friends are obsessed with him) and I can tell that he is hot and stuff, because my girl friends are all obsessed with him, but I don’t know if I actually see it. I actually will print out pictures and try and stare at the photos, trying to see what I feel. Most of these photos end up covered in pen mustaches and a lot of added piercings. I just get bored of them. I don’t know if I see it. I have kissed guys before. I don’t really know if I liked it. I mainly did it imagining how much fun it will be to tell my friends. And I do recount the stories with pride and stuff, but I don’t think I feel anything. And when I see guys in public I watch them, but more out of curiosity, trying to see what is hot about them, and if I am attracted to them. I can see when guys are hot. Like, my brother is very hot (he got all the good genes), he is ripped and has perfect hair and a charming smile. I look at him and I’m like, oh, girls are going to be crazy about him. And I think I regard a lot of guys in the same way as I regard my brother. But I also dunno. Maybe I do like guys and I just think they are stupid. Ok, because there is a gang of boys in the hood who I flirt with for fun, but mainly just so I know I can flirt. Some of them are hot, and I can tell.but they are teenage boys, which are the most stupid things on earth. Anyways, I am rambling. Penises also gross me out and I mainly want sexual relationships with girls, though I still sometimes talk to my girlfriends about being with a guy possibly. I imagine my self marrying a guy, but is that just because my parents standards are that and also I have been raised in a community that assumes everyone is straight. This could affect me in the same way that you being at an all girls school. We kinda have to look past that, because it can really cloud out thoughts up probably. Also, I don’t think that I have ever had a crush. I had thought I had a crush on this guy in elementary school but I really don’t know what that was, and maybe I was just swing what everyone else was. Besides that I have crushed on a celeb, and I have flirted a lot, but I have never been like, I am OBSESSED with someone. I notice girls and I watch them very carefully. I watch guys too, but I think maybe I am just like, apprehensively watched them, wondering. My mind defiantly doesn’t think about them sexual when I look at them though I do have fantasy’s about sex with guys, though i don’t enjoy it as much as when I think about girls. Also, I am the same around both genders when it comes to being comfortable and not caring how I look (minus my eating disorder self consciousness about thinness.) So after all that I am not quite sure, but I am identifying as bi because I think being a lesbian is too extreme right now, when I don’t know what I think. For you I think it really is hard, and depends, when you look at photos, do you recognize when guys are hot? Do you get butterflies? -Roura
