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Found my 17 year old son looking at gay porn

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Open1221, Jul 12, 2020.

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  1. Open1221

    Open1221
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    Hello All,

    Last night while walking by my sons window I saw my son masterbating to something on the internet. I was able to get close enough to see what was on his phone and noticed it was gay porn.

    First of all let me say, I felt terrible violating his privacy unbeknownst to him and second, I really am not concerned at all about his sexual orientation. My wife and I just want him to be happy.

    The next day, I wanted confirmation of what I believed that I saw.

    My wife and I have an understanding with our kids that as long as they are under our phone plans and are not adults that we can review their phone history. Therefore, I looked under his browser history and saw nothing unique. I then noticed a private browser setting and there was all the graphic Gay content that I saw from a distance the night before.

    He is a terrific kid, in great shape as he is a competitor gymnast but he has always been very shy and too himself.

    I am torn as to what my wife and I do with this information. I have read input that says to just continue to be supportive and he will approach us when he is ready and then I have read conflicting advice that says approach him and let him know that you love and support him no matter what so that he knows that it is out in the open.

    I would love to hear your advice as this is a very sensitive time in his life and I want to navigate it properly.
     
    #1 Open1221, Jul 12, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2020
  2. Joelle b

    Joelle b
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    I can understand how flustering that must be for you. Finding out that your kid might be gay must be kinda new.
    Do not approach him. It may be possible he is gay but also straight people watch gay porn. Porn is different then sexual preference. I have perfectly straight friends who watch lesbian porn because they enjoy it. Porn is designed to turn you on regardless of sexual orientation or preference. So your son could really just enjoy that type of porn or maybe that was just what he had come across that time you walked in on him. I, for one, prefer M/F porn but I am sexually/romantically interested in girls as well.
    We tell this to questioning people that ask if since they enjoy gay porn, are they gay? No. Porn turns on every one. Regardless, because it is programmed for that.
    If your son is gay he will most likely tell you at one point. It might take him a while. Or he might never mention it to you, because he might not be gay. Don’t be voting your fingernails waiting for him to come out. It took me five years to fully accept myself and tell my parents, five years! It’s probably alien to him, especially if he doesn’t know any gay people.
    Hope that helps!
     
    #2 Joelle b, Jul 12, 2020
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  3. Vast

    Vast
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    I'd say hang back and wait until he's ready if anything. It can take a seriously long time for anyone to come to terms with their sexuality. I think the best thing you can do is consistently send the message that you're accepting of LGBT+ people. Though try not to put it in such a way that it seems as if you're hinting/probing. If you see someone being homophobic in real life, the news, or in media, express your views on it casually as you might on any other topic. Maybe work a few shows with prominent LGBT characters into stuff you watch together. Even just watching silently without being judgemental about gay scenes can mean a lot. On Netflix the shows Sex Education and Elite both include well-developed Gay characters and should appeal to most younger viewers.
     
    #3 Vast, Jul 12, 2020
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  4. Nickw

    Nickw
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    Hey

    I don’t think you should confront your son with his watching gay porn. I understand he is using your account and that is a bit of a concern. But, he is still entitled to some privacy and exploration. I agree that being sure you express that gay is OK is about the best you can do. It sounds like you are a very accepting and open parent. That’s really about all you can be. He needs to find out his sexuality on his own terms.
     
    #4 Nickw, Jul 12, 2020
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  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi, and welcome.

    First, you're an awesome parent, and I can't tell you how many kids would be thrilled to have a parent care enough to want to do the right thing.

    You've got to be pretty upset. I know I would be. Not because he's gay, as you seem to be fine with that... but just with... discovering something that pretty fundamentally changes your schema of who your son is. So give yourself some time to contemplate and adjust and, for that matter, grieve the loss of your perception of him as straight, because that's absolutely a real and reasonable thing. The truth is, no one wakes up and says "Hey, I want to sign up to be the subject of judgment from the religious right and the victim of gay bashing! That'll be fun!". And at the same time... acceptance of LGBT people is higher than it has ever been, and LGBT folks aren't really limited from much of any options any more, so it's very different than it was even 10 years ago.

    With all of that said, I think it's pretty likely he's gay. Where he is with being comfortable with that within himself is anyone's guess at this point. I do agree with the others: I would not confront him about this. He'd no doubt be absolutely horrified that you found him masturbating and whether or not it was straight or gay porn, it's horrifying either way. Nor would I suddenly make a bunch of obvious comments of your overwhelming support of LGBT people. Just keep being yourself. And here and there, when you have a chance to, you can mention something about your gay coworker or friend or whatever who is getting married or engaged or something like that, and if/when the opportunity presents itself (but not right away), you can make some comment to the effect of 'bringing home a girlfriend (or boyfriend if that's your thing) from college, or things of that sort. Or comment on something on TV or in the news. A few little comments, spaced apart, here and there, to make it clear where you stand.

    One of the interesting things to see here at EC is kids where their parent is literally tugging with all their might on the closet door... and the kid is literally completely oblivious to it... "Do you think they might have some idea?" after the parent has done everything but drape the house in rainbow flags. Even in the most accepting of families, it can be a challenge for a kid to come out, because it's super vulnerable. Part of it is the remote fear, no matter how unfounded, that they'll be judged, or their parents will be angry. And another part is that teens are generally mortified to mention anything to parents that remotely relates to any part of their sexual selves (gay or straight), and many parents are equally mortified to hear anything about it. And that's unfortunate because sex and masturbation and all those things are normal and shouldn't be shameful or embarrassing... but nonetheless are.

    I think, with luck, it will be out in the open soon enough. And when it is, feel free to point him here. In the meantime, feel free to stick around and share anything you wish or ask any questions that may come up.
     
    #5 Chip, Jul 12, 2020
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  6. quadratic

    quadratic
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    Parent here; one son is gay.

    Given that all healthy children will want to look at porn, and given that your son may be gay, questioning, experimenting... I'd just ensure that he has the privacy to have a wank whenever he wants to. Why worry? The only thing might be (at some stage) to ensure that he understands that porn is a fantasy, and that real-life sex, bolstered by a relationship, is a great deal better!
     
    #6 quadratic, Jul 14, 2020
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  7. KeLeWi

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    I completely agree. At some point your child may come out to you as gay, and it is wonderful that you and your wife are the type of parents who will love and support him regardless of his sexual identity. The only problem with porn (gay or straight) is that it can give one a false idea of what is or isn't normal. It can become a sexual standard that he may or may not ever live up to.

    Keep on being the supportive, wonderful parent that you are. He will be fine.
     
    #7 KeLeWi, Aug 4, 2020
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