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Feeling confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by TrashBoat, Jul 12, 2020.

  1. TrashBoat

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    When I was 11 years old in the sixth grade my close friend introduced me to his older buddy. We would spend hours at the older friends house playing video games and eating snacks, just regular kid shit. One day my close friend decided we should have a sleep over at the older friends house. I agreed and obtained my moms permission, natrually she said yes. After a while of playing video games the older guy suggested we participate im some sexual activities with him. I kept refusing but he kept pressuring me and saying its ok. I gave him a handjob. It escalated to the point where he tried to force himself onto me. Luckily his father was home so I made a ruckus , prompting his father to check on us.
    Afterwards I got up and slept in the other room. I don't really remember much after this but I'm pretty sure they did something to me in my sleep.

    I didnt tell anyone else about this experience. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. I thought that If I were to tell my story to anyone they would accuse me of being gay or liking it, so I kept it to myself.I fell into a depressed state and started watching porn heavily. Looking back now I used at almost as a coping mechanism. I watched all kinds of pornographic material straight , gay ,trans , beastiality , defication. It even escalated to the point where I was looking at nude photos of my cousin.

    In retrospect I deeply regret my actions and I'm ashamed of the things I did. This whole experience had led me to question my sexuality constantly. Any advice for me ?
     
  2. Nic2552

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    I’m sorry to hear you had to go through that. I’m wondering if the older kid did that to your friend as well. You were the victim , you did nothing wrong. What actions do you regret? Have you tried counseling?
     
  3. TrashBoat

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    I'm pretty sure the older kid did the same thing to my friend. I'm im therapy right now I just can't find a way to bring this to the attention of my therapist
     
  4. BiGemini87

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    I'm so sorry you went through that. What the older boy did was completely and utterly wrong. Your reasons and fears regarding coming forward are valid; as someone who's been sexually assaulted by two people in my life, I know all too well how other kids react when they find out--and some of the very things you've expressed fearing were very much the case.

    Everyone copes with sexual assault differently, and I've a feeling the porn you chose to watch was just your way of working through it.

    You have done nothing wrong. I know it might frighten or embarrass you, but your therapist is there to help you work through trauma and the like--and what you went through is part of that.
     
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  5. Nic2552

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    I agree, you will feel better inside once you finally express to your therapist happen, maybe you should write it down on paper and hand it to your therapist. But you were definitely a victim and who knows how many others that kid raped. Something probably happened to the both of them, it’s a chain reaction. Which is sad but at least your speaking about it. That’s a huge step.
     
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