I'm 27 and have posted a couple of times before but would love someone to chat to over message or whatsapp. Let me know. I've always had gay curiosity throughout my life, I've watched gay porn on and off since I was around 13 and have always got turned on by it. The thing is, I kinda wish I was just gay and that I liked guys how I like girls but I don't. I'll explain below, but I'm a straight guy who can't stop fantasising about dick and getting fucked in the ass. I don't know why, but life got the better of me and I ended up sleeping with lots of girls and having relationships with girls and am now at a place (or so I thought) where I was confident with who I was and that I get a 'fair share' of attention. When I was at school/college, no one really fancied me and since then I've worked out loads, got my teeth done and am really attractive. I live abroad and move to a new country every 2 years generally. I moved to a new country last year for a new job, met a girl, we were just friends and things were great. We started sleeping together after a boozy night out and now she spends most of her time at my apartment and wants a relationship with me/to move in. Both of which I've said no for different reasons. I'm in the process of trying to transition back to friends but don't know how to exactly do it. Whilst this has all been going on, my desire to have sex with a guy has grown and grown. Within the last 3 months I've bought an anal dildo and use is for spells every month. I've even bought some jock straps and ass-less boxers. [overly graphic material removed by mod] I don't think I've ever been so turned on in my life. I wasn't doing/watching for long when I started to wank and before I knew it I came, so much and so hard. When I'm horny the desire to be fucked is so high, I honestly can't believe what I see sometimes when I look in the mirror [overly graphic material removed by mod] After that I felt total disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed in what I was doing. Looking at the laptop screen with all these dicks did nothing for me and I just felt so weird in myself. I know that I need to eventually meet a guy to explore these urges, but I can't possibly meet someone if there's a chance I'd feel like that with them still fucking me. Whats strange for me is that I'm not really attracted to guys at-all. There's just something about dick that really turns me on. How do I get over these feelings? I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy and feel like this is all just a bit too much. I wish I'd tried to deal with it at a younger age. I feel so lost and trapped in my own mind and who I am as a person. I've got no-one to talk to about this and would be far too embarrassed to tell anyone. I just need some help as to what I can actually do. It's tearing me apart and I've got no one to talk to about it. No one would suspect it and it would change everything.
First, welcome to EC. You're in the right place, and there are lots of folks here who have been through exactly what you are experiencing right now. The picture you paint is clearer to others (especially others who have been through it) than you may realize. You're saying that you've watched gay porn continually since puberty and always been turned on by it, you enjoy anal sex, and clearly are aroused by thoughts of guys (or at least, guys' dicks) and anal penetration. So you're definitely aroused by gay sex. (Put aside the after-orgasm disgust for a moment, we'll get to that). So the "how do I get over this" answer you're not going to like: THe answer is, you can't. because this is how you're hard wired. What's going on is the hard wiring to gay sex and guys, which is coming from unconscious, is in conflict with your conscious self, which doesn't want to be gay. (And 'not wanting to be gay' is something that nearly *every* gay guy went through at some point, because, let's face it, nobody is thrilled with the idea of being discriminated against, looked down upon by religious bigots, having to tell friends and family, and dealing with the loss of the "american dream" of the wife, kids, house with picket fence, and so forth.) So this conflict between conscious and unconscious is what's getting in the way of your actually feeling attraction to guys. Going back to the loss thing for a second, as we process loss, there are stages we go through - denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptanace - as we process the loss. The denial is "I'm not gay." The bargaining in your case can look like "OK, I like getting fucked in the ass, and I have the most intense orgasms thinking about guys, but I like girls too." Bargaining is the bridge between holding onto the old beliefs and accepting the new reality. The stages can take anywhere from hours to months, sometimes longer, to go through. Now... only you can truly know what's going on for you. So what I'm saying isn't telling you what you are feeling or who you are, it's instead offering an interpretation of what you are describing. And the denial is likely in the way of going "Oh, ok, then I guess I'm gay." Because of all the baggage and feelings and shit that comes with accepting that. And as you said, it *will* change a lot of things. So no wonder you want to run away from it. But... I can say with a pretty high degree of certainty that this won't be effective. (Don't believe me? Spend a couple hours reading threads in our "later in life" section, where people describe trying to hide from being gay for 10 or 20 or 30 years and what an enormous mess it makes on so many levels. You really don't want to do that.) What I can tell you, based on the hundreds of people who have posted here at EC over the past 15 years saying nearly identical things, is that, with time, it will become easier to accept yourself, and as you do, you'll likely find that suddenly, attraction to guys will start flooding in, because as the denial gives way, the unconscious attraction and arousal comes more to the surface. And eventually, you'll be OK with it, you'll be happy with yourself, you'll find someone who can love you, and you'll feel strong attraction and love for him. I'm sure that's a scary thought. It is for most everyone going through it. And you'll be OK. With regard to your girlfriend... it may not be possible to transition back to friends. In fact, it's unlikely. She is probably way more into you than you are into her (if I'm right, and it's because you're gay, that's completely understandable.) So I suppose you could try the "I need some time alone to think" or "we need to take a break", but usually people see that for what it is. You can try, but be preprared for her to end it. (And perhaps, again, if I'm correct, you can become best (non-sexual) friends somewhere down the road... that isn't uncommon.) In the meantime, I encourage you to keep talking about what you're feeling, It's the best way to process it and get it out in the open so you can move forward.
Well, i have to say i am/was pretty much the same. But i started to experience with men at around 22y and i liked it. Now i‘m 47y and my attraction to men hasn‘t changed at all in 25 years. I don‘t feel attraction to men in my normal life and never have. For me Gaysex is the way i can express my feminine side. And i have big attractions and fall in love with girls/women. But i got used to have sex from time to time with men. I learned to like it more and to be less ashamed. But i still have no interests in a love relationship with a man, but a lot with a woman. So its just like it is. I see myself as bisexual.
