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Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by CityBoi, Jul 1, 2020.

  1. CityBoi

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    Hey Everyone

    I am new to this group and super happy that I found this platform.

    So I have found myself in a difficult situation which I need some advice on/best way forward.

    I a 28 year old guy who is currently in a relationship with a guy. One year to be exact. He is such an awesome guy.

    The first problem is that I am not out yet to my family and friends. I met his family and friends. I am just not sure if I have it in me to ever tell me parents that I am dating a guy (they are very religious and I just don't want to hurt them). So definitely first red flag in this relationship.

    Secondly, I was thinking would it not be easier to date a female. I would not need to hurt my family and close mates and can still be true to my Christianity principles and religion. I use to date girls in high school and had great sexual experiences with females. I am just wondering if I would be able to get physically turned on if I had to date a women.

    I am wanting to actually give this relationship with the guy a pause and then try and see if I can be physically attracted to women. Go on a few dates with women. I think this will either give me the clear answer that hey you definitely not attracted to women or hey there is still something there to work with.

    As you can see I am indeed of some serious advicd :slight_smile: anyone else experienced the same problem?

    Thanks
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Its a tough situation. Ultimately only you can decide what you want to do but to me it sounds like you already think you won't have the same attraction to a woman that you do to your boyfriend. I totally understand you not wanting to hurt your family but what about the potential girl you might end up dating. Is that fair to them?
    Ive been in a relationship where one person isn't out to their family and it is super tough but perhaps in time this is something that you can work towards. Are you out to anyone?
     
  3. CityBoi

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    Thanks so much for the advice.

    I have come out to some distant friends who I knew would be fine with it. I just want to be 100% that I am not into women as much as men before I start telling my closer friends and family. Once you tell them then it's out there and you cannot retract.

    Touch situation which is sitting really heavy over me.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC.

    I don’t think that it’s really fair to ask your boyfriend to pause your relationship in order for you to find out if you are attracted to other people. If think you have to be prepared for the possibility that it will be the end of the relationship.

    Before questioning my sexuality, I was in a long term heterosexual relationship and my ex requested a similar thing from me. We had hit a rough patch and neither of us had previous experience of other relationships, so he wasn’t sure whether it was something we could work through or whether we just weren’t right for each other (We weren’t in the end, but that’s another story). He proposed we had a six month break to explore, and if we hadn’t met anyone else by the end, we could just get back together. Can you guess what I told him?

    Anyway, the break did not happen and we stayed together for another four years, and it was hard work. Being in a heterosexual relationship, when you’re not heterosexual, is suffocating and exhausting. Keeping up a pretence is incredibly hard and it wears you down, you lose motivation for life.

    I don’t know if that helps, but hopefully it will give you something to think about.
     
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  5. BiGemini87

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    Pretty much in agreement with silverhalo and LostinDaydreams: I've never been in that situation, but I don't think it would be fair to your boyfriend, yourself, or any potential girlfriend to put yourself in that situation. It sounds to me like that you don't have a genuine attraction to women, but perhaps one you forced on to yourself because of societal and theological expectations.

    There's another part of my mind latching on to you mentioning having great sexual experiences with women; I'm not sure if that makes you bi, or if something else was at play back then that no longer affects you now, and you are truly only same-sex attracted.

    I think these are things you need to sort out for yourself, certainly--but like has been said, you should probably prepare yourself for the fact that it could genuinely mean the end of your relationship.

    I encourage you to think deeply on the matter and really weigh up how you feel about your boyfriend, and hard as it might seem, push aside all feelings of shame and pressure from your family or religious beliefs. Or I suppose determine whether your religious beliefs are more important than the relationship you have. If needs be, talk it over with your boyfriend, so at least then he can be prepared for whatever might come. It wouldn't be fair to blindside him with this, otherwise.
     
    #5 BiGemini87, Jul 2, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2020
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  6. silverhalo

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    I can understand that. Putting it out there can be a really daunting prospect. When you think back to the relationships you had with women previously, how do they compare to your current relationship?
     
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  7. justinf

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    I think most has already been covered, but I’ll add just one more voice to the choir.

    I’ve been in your situation and I know how persistent the battle in your head can be. In fact, I’m pretty sure I came up with a lot of the exact same reasons why being with a girl could work.
    It would be easier for my family. I wouldn’t have to tell my friends. My boyfriend would be happier with someone who was out. I’d had satisfying sex with girls before, so surely that made me at least bi and being with a girl could work?

    The thing is, if you have to actively search for reasons why something is the right thing to do, it generally isn’t the right thing to do.

    The decision is ultimately yours, but as BiGemini87 pointed out, you have to decide whether this experiment is something you’re willing to lose your boyfriend over. The way I see it there are two possible outcomes:
    1. You realize you’re not attracted to women, and most likely lose your boyfriend in the process.
    2. You find you do manage to get physically turned on by women, and settle for “something to work with”.
    Neither option sounds all that great to me.

    I know it isn’t easy to figure this all out, and letting go of the fear of how others will perceive you is incredibly difficult, but I think that is the goal you should be aiming for and working toward.
    In a perfect world, where your friends and family are completely indifferent to your orientation, who do you want to be with?

    Lastly, whether you want to figure this out with or without your boyfriend is of course completely up to you, but as long as you’re in a relationship, keep communicating your thoughts and feelings. It’s your journey, but he’s traveling along, which is important to remember.
     
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  8. CityBoi

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    Hi Everyone,

    Firstly thanks so much all the advice. I really appreciate it. Trying to navigate through all these thoughts is definitely not recommended to be done on one's own. It helps so much to get constructive advice from others.

    I definitely have a lot to think about. I slowly started talking to my boyfriend this evening about a few of the above mentioned topics. He has honestly just been so supportive.

    Again I really appreciate you all taking time to provide some advice.
     
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  9. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m pleased to read that you’re talking to your boyfriend about some of this.

    I hope you can work through your thoughts and feeling, and then work out what you really want. Keep us updated.
     
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  10. BiGemini87

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    No problem, I hope we've been of real help and that you'll be able to navigate towards whatever ultimately makes you happy. Best of luck! ^^
     
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